Twilight: The Movie
My long-awaited review of this much-anticipated mushy romance with sparkly vampires and Cedric Diggory.
It's been a few months now since I saw this thing, and I've hesitated several times as to whether I should actually write/publish this. That being said, I should be doing homework and since I don't want to, I'm forcing myself to finish this review of this awful film. (I'm so harsh. Right off the bat. You might think I'm too judgmental. If you liked the books/movies, leave now or forever hold your peace.)
I never thought it would be possible to make Bella an even more boring character than she already was in the books, but somehow the filmmakers outdid themselves and made her worse than Stephenie Meyer could have ever dreamed. Kristin Stewart (I think that's her name, don't know, don't care) was in some sort of zombie trance the entire movie. Also, I thought Bella was supposed to be "plain" (and yet at least 17 guys ask her out during the course of the story…) but KS is not at all plain. She is boring however, and slightly annoying.
And then we have Edward: perfect, sexy, and a vampire. Oh what a wonderful erotic novel this would make, with a better writer and some sex scenes. I'm just saying. I still don't understand how these teen girls are all in love and obsessed with Edward. He is borderline abusive, conceited, and in vampire terms, not that cool. In the film, all of these things are even more apparent than in that awful book. (I will never forgive my sister for making me read it). I think he even physically grabs Bella a few times, especially in that weird Hungry-Like-the-Wolf-by-Duran-Duran scene in the forest. That seemed very out of place to me. I expected Merry and Pippin to walk out of the trees looking for Longbottom weed (nerd alert).
I don't even think I can go on. The vampire family looked bored the whole time (the fans will say, "That's how they're described in the book, that's how they're supposed to be!"), the humor was sporadic and out of touch ("Sex. Money. Sex. Money. Cat." The only mention of the word sex in a film about vampires. I've said it before and I'll say it again, vampires are a metaphor for sex. Vampire teeth—>Sleeping virgins—>penetration—>exchange of bodily fluids—>a disease following. It all makes so much sense. You can't have vampires without sex. Impossible. Look at Anne Rice, if you want some good vampire fiction. Nerd alert again.)
And finally, I get to the PSA about teaching young girls about the wrong kinds of values. I know this review has been sporadic at best and kind of a mixture of book and movie, but no one reads this so I really don't care. But all I want to say is that this series is so anti-feminist as to make me physically sick. Bella has no voice, she only lives to "belong" to Edward, who is a terrible/abusive boyfriend, and kind of a controlling narcissistic prick. Bella doesn't make any of her own decisions, she's like a small child who is lost and can't take care of herself. Not a good image for girls to strive for. I hope someone writes something better to replace this awful fad.