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May 17, 2004
fuckity fuck fuck fuck
soooooooo...i was talking to nick today when he said "i don't mean to seem like and ass, but could you not talk to me while i'm working." which is kinda sad. this one girl he works with knows i'm a homo, and thus, talking to me, he MUST be gay too. yeah i was a lil' upset about it all, but i guess that's just the way the cookie crumbles. now i really got pissed when he had to say it again (as in he said it twice on another occasion). i mean, it was like an insult to my intelligence, which i never take very well, as anyone who has met me in person knows. perhaps i am pretentious, but i don't care. assuiming i have the intelligence of a 5 year old is not nice! it's one thing to be scared of being outed, i mean, it's a fear all homosexuals shared at one point in their life. but no one deserves to be treated such, simply out of fear.
but while i'm on the topic of other people being in the closet, i shall shed more light onto the subject of being in the closet in general. i've always maintained my refusal to give into fear. fear is the primary cause of why people can't be happy. some types of fear are good: for instance, i fear that my actions will cause hurt for another person, so i don't do them.
people also fear others believing they are homosexual. and i don't need to tell you why homosexuals have been stigmatized. but perhaps by staying in the closet, people are giving power to the belief that homosexuals are stigmatized. this is a real condition: people fear homosexuality. but why do i have to recognize that? i only know homosexuality is a bad thing because of other people fearing it. if i don't fear it, it's not a problem right?
but it still is, because other people don't see it the way i (and so many others) do. and it's everyone that counts, not one person. but perhaps by seeing it this way it's a form of passive resistance. power lies in discourse, and perhaps i can change the world with this persuasion. ( i know i am the worst person to persuade ANYONE. i would be the worst suicide counselor in the world ).
thus, there is only one way to make sure people like nick don't feel uncomfortable around people like me: change the minds of everyone else. needless to say, it's impossible. but by starting with one mind, perhaps thats a start. and i know i'm not alone on this one. but a secret to finding happiness is throwing away the fear of pursuing one's desire. another secret is knowing where to look (see previous entries). thus, the idea of coming out gives substance to this mythical closet, so don't come out, please. however, todays society operates in a thought process where heterosexuality has been naturalized. so everyone is aware that they need to inform people of their "unnatural" homosexuality.
this is the advice i would give anoyone seeking my counsel: don't do things/not do things out of fear of someone else's thoughts or actions. even if you might feel the exact opposite, act as though homosexuality is as completely natural (because only a few things are truly natural) as heterosexuality. eventually you get used to it, and (at least i can't remember the last time i denied homosexuality, i think it was some time in middle school, and it was very short lived).
please note my behaviour at home though: i share nothign with my parents, not out of fear, just out of habit. how many people do they know i've dated: 0 how many
allright, that being said, it's time to move on. i just ran into Russell! that made me happy, he's always been so nice to me, ever since i met him at the 90s that sunday after thanksgiving. and i'm so excited he's going to St. Louis. he is doing grad school work in german for washington university, right in my neck of the woods! oh it will be so fun, i will actually have a reason to go back to st. louis now! yay! and if he will be in soulard, mardi gras 2005 will be awesome (and i'll be 21 too!)
i like brett a lot, but i really am in instant messenger withdrawal. and i want my own space. it's cool to hang out with him but--i hate living in someone else's place without a key. it's hard to feel dependent on him whenever i go somewhere--i have to have him let me back in the apartment because i don't have a key.
but i get to move in tomorrow! tomorrow, tomorrow, i'll love you, tomorrow...
Posted by piep0058 at May 17, 2004 05:01 PM | Homosexuality
Comments
good post
Posted by: at August 29, 2005 11:14 AM
"now i [sic] really got pissed when he had to say it again (as in he said it twice on another occasion)."
Imagine how pissed he was that he had to tell you again. I suppose his main mistake was presuming that you had forgotten his request instead of realizing that in actuality you just "... don't care." Given your admission that the repeated noncompliance with his request was at least partially due to your conscious judgment of the request as lacking merit - and your apparent choice to therefore ignore it - perhaps he should have told you to not talk to him _ever_.
Posted by: at June 8, 2006 09:29 AM