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May 03, 2007
At the Onion...Again
It's another nice day in Minneapolis again, and I decided to skip an actual workout in lieu of it. It's sunny and 72ΒΊ and it doesn't get much better than this. So I walked from my house to the Purple Onion and it's patio overlooking University Avenue and downtown Minneapolis.
The last time I was here I started doing some "fuzzy math" for estimates for the total eligible gay male population in the Twin Cities area... and this is my result:
5,000,000 people in minnesota * 50% that live in the metro area * 50% male percentage * 5% gay percentage * 20% (within the acceptable age range 20-30) * 20% (the ones that are actually datable) * 50% (the ones that are single) = 1,250 eligible gay male bachelors.
That 5% was being very generous. Same with the second 20%. However, if we're going with the percentage of men on the patio that are gay right now... we're looking at 6/7.
Okay, whatever, critique my estimates, I don't care. So I was reviewing this math with Peter B one Saturday morning, and we, understandably, became depressed. Considering we know, or know of, almost 1,000 gay men in the city. That leaves 250 datable gay men left.
We were ready for a break.
My solution to our worries was to take a road trip somewhere. Chicago was too far for a Saturday afternoon. On top of that, if we went anywhere we would need a place to stay. Duluth? no... LaCrosse? no... EAU CLAIRE!!! For anyone that doesn't believe me, I will testify that Eau Claire does indeed have a gay bar. So do Duluth and LaCrosse, for that matter... but where would I have stayed there? I've never actually stayed in a random hotel ever. I was not about to call the Eau Claire Marriott and ask them for a room. No... Trying my options, I finally came across crazy Ben. He's a freshman at UW-Stout in Menomonie, Wisconsin. Yes, he lives in the dorms. We've hot tubbed together after the Saloon one night.
Around eightish Peter and I departed and headed east on I-94. Part of the deal for putting up with us over the weekend, I offered Ben that we buy him dinner. So, we arrived in Menomonie around 9, saw UW-Stout, picked up Ben, had dinner, dropped him off, and continued the extra half hour to Eau Claire.
It was around 11 oclock when we finally walked into Scooter's. Perfect bar time, right? Indeed. I'd estimate the place probably had about 100 people in it. It was definitely not disappointing; at least not at first. I'm not going to lie, it felt good to have everybody stop what they were doing to look up at us. I am somewhat narcissistic like that. We both had to pee, so that was priority #1. Peter went first, while I worked on priority #2: getting drinks. I ordered two beers and handed him a ten, hoping it would be enough.
He gave me back seven fifty. Excuse me? Two beers? Two Fifty? Beers in Minneapolis cost anywhere from four to five dollars, even six. This was ridiculous. It was my turn to pee.
I was waiting in line when I noticed a stack of Lavender magazines on a stand by the back door. Even 100 miles away, we could not escape the reach of Sven Sundgaard. It's uncanny. I did dine out for life, by the way. They better find a cure for AIDS now. [P.S. Sven needs to not be so orange.]
The rest of the night was a broken record for the most part. I found the 10 cute (or close enough to cute) guys at the bar went up to them with my beer and started talking out of nowhere.
Me: "Hey dude, what's up?"
Dude: "Hi there."
Me: "So... are you from Eau Claire?"
Dude: "Yup, I live right over there..."
Me: "What do you do here?"
---Peter jumps into the conversation---
---Five More minutes elapse---
Dude: "Well, my boyfriend does this and this..."
Me: "Oh that's cool."
---Five more minutes of chit chat---
Me: "Oh! I need another beer! See ya later dude!"
Repeat previous sequence five times.
I'm not joking about the boyfriend line. Literally everyone that was cute at Scooter's had boyfriends. Peter and I had to give it some thought. How does this happen? I can't find a boyfriend with a dating pool 50 times bigger. Yet, in Eau Claire, everyone seemed to be dating someone. Not that I'm really that desperate by the way. I guess it's different in Eau Claire. The guys there try a lot harder to make relationships work out because, well, nothing better is ever going to come around. So what, they'll put up with dating a republican, an complete idiot, or someone who insists on having much too much facial hair, simply because there isn't anyone else moving there. Boyfriends by default. Cheating can't happen, there aren't enough men.
I did meet one decent guy, he was cute, nice, athletic, and very down to earth. If I lived in Eau Claire I would date him, despite being ten years his junior. It's not what I look for in Minneapolis though.
By 1:30 a.m. I was ready to go. Peter and I were both sick of this boyfriend bullshit, and we headed back to the Volvo and went straight to Menomonie. Arriving at UW Stout proved to be a greater challenge than we had anticipated. Finding a parking space was a challenge, and then trying to find Ben's residence hall was even trickier. It was warm enough. I just wanted to crash in the sand of the volleyball court.
Ten minutes later, we found Ben's building and he let us in. I nearly hit my head on the ceiling of gopher holes I was winding through. The air had that musky dorm smell of 50 boys compacted into a few cubic meters. Ben's roommate was out, which meant it was only going to be the three of us that night. I immediately stripped down to my boxer-briefs and crashed on the futon, only to find my myself double handcuffed a few minutes later to the futon, while Ben tortured my nipples.
It stopped, I was released, and I passed out.
Taco Bell the next morning perhaps wasn't the best thing to be eating. But I didn't care.
Posted by piep0058 at May 3, 2007 06:47 PM | Nightlife
Comments
unbelievable, i looked at the maps of both eau claire and minneapolis and they're both so endlessly angular. the city-planners have put just as much grids in as possible. then some parks and some extra grids. good for people who like things well organized i guess.
Posted by: martin at May 13, 2007 04:55 PM
just a suggestion..maybe you should just change and look for eligible bachelorette ;p i bet there's tons of girls in minneapolis who wants to date you..
Posted by: me at August 14, 2007 02:49 AM