May 31, 2004
Memorial Day!
yay, it's time to do everything i always wanted to do but never had the time. like e-mail people i have long since ignored.
but i would rather much prefer to barbeque and just sit around. perhaps i will call dan. ok i just did, no answer. but boy is his answering device ghetto! i don't mean that it doesn't work. i just mean that he sounds like he should be on that movie "soul plane" -- i don't know. but he's white and from minnesota. i don't know how i feel about that.
by the way, i had to deal with the dumbest kids last night
I FUCKING HATE KIDS, I WANT THEM ALL TO DIE.
Posted by piep0058 at 02:01 PM | Comments (0)
May 30, 2004
parties are fun!
ok so i went to a party last night at the Le Meridien Hotel next to the Target Center downtown. it was pleasant. good times had by all. i'm really glad i went. now i have a friend in L.A. of course, i drank way too much and got way too drunk and way too naked. but it was all in good fun. the view from the top floor was great, as i expected. and i slept really well. then we went out to the perfect place for my next date: this malt shop at 50th and Bryant. boy was it cute, just like in scooby doo.
again, i have to work, and i'm still hung over. sad! and i don't feel like typing anything anymore.
Posted by piep0058 at 02:31 PM | Comments (0)
May 29, 2004
the world ends?
so i saw "the day after tomorrow" the day after yesterday. it was really poor situational acting, just as i had thought. the whole movie was more about dennis quaid's quest to feel united with his son. and what did it take? a really really big ice storm. how sad. that's the biggest tragedy of the movie. some dad is so dumb that he feels the need to bond with his son. and his son just accepts it all. i felt bad for jake gyllenhall for taking such a bad role. they could have done so much more with the romance between him and the chck. but they didn't. why? i don't know. they are just dumb and were hoping people would be more excited about the effects with all the snow and ice and water. and the japanese people getting killed with hailstones. well, i was sorta impressed with that.
but honestly, the whole message of the movie was so dumb. i wish they would have done things differently, but oh well. i did like seeing everyone die though.
so tonight is the night of the big party. oh my god this is the first time i'm socializing in a LONG TIME. i haven't really been going out and meeting people since...since...i met some people at jon's birthday party, so that was cool. and it's at the top floor of Le Meridien downtown. this is the same building that has the crown theatres and escape ultra lounge. but then again. it also has applebees --- ewwwwww!. but this will be exciting.
oh last night some old guy called me a chick meister. HAHA. yeah, once you're a chick meister you're always a chick meister. according to this 60 year old man of course. and you know he gets sex all the time.
ok maybe if it were just me that would be one thing. but i was standing around with jason helm and tony richards. and he was calling us all babe magnets! ha!
ok i better get going if i want to be on time to work.
Posted by piep0058 at 05:19 PM | Comments (2)
May 28, 2004
vacation...
so this is what my parents bought: our second home
it'd be nice if i could actually go see the place in person, rather than just hear about it in person. this would require getting the time off from working constantly. no joke, i work EVERY night. i hope i don't become old and bitter that i never get to have any fun. but it's ok. i can still have fun. or can i!!!
so this weekend i'm going to see the day after tomorrow with ken. this will be the highlight of my weekend! for real! i'm kinda excited to see this movie. i mean, it's not everyday that you get to run through the streets to save your life. it's prolly going to be a cheezy romantic subplot, but that's ok, they should make up for it with the mass killings.
i'm also looking forward to this one "SAVED!" movie that's coming out soon. krissy said she wanted to see it with me, but i think i'm going to ditch her. she will have to see it with my "saved" super christian cousins or something. muahahaha.
then i get to go to work. that will be, as tony says, the time of my life.
then it's onto some hi-class party -- i'm confused about it. more details later. believe me, i will write another essay about my experience there. this is the first time i'm going to some social event in a long time. we'll see how well "the observer" can interact with other people.
i say observer because someone asked me about being one. and i think he might be right. i've always appreciated not involving myself in social contact and rather watching it from the side; like having my own peanut gallery. interacting with large groups of people makes me upset at times because...hmmm, more thoughts on this later.
oh, i finally bought groceries. now i can enjoy the nutritiousness of oatmeal and peanut butter and jelly on wheat bread and eggs and canned pineapple and orange juice. and don't forget my tea! i remebered why i didn't want to buy any groceries before: my refridgerator looked like this.
Posted by piep0058 at 02:05 AM | Comments (18)
May 27, 2004
wow, caribou was fun!
ok so working the bar at caribou was actually fun, believe it or not. like, doing all the drinks, it was like i was in my own kitchen. now this is, of course, a weeknight. i hope the weekend isn't TOO crazy with people steppin into my space. but i'm makin money. so that is fun.
so i don't know when i can go back home. and i want a vacation so bad! and my roommates are being really nice to me. i am happy. now i just need to find that something extra.
whatever. time for cartoons.
Posted by piep0058 at 11:06 PM | Comments (1)
May 26, 2004
waking up alone?
is sleeping with someone else really something to be desired? i havent' done it for a while, but i know it's not that special. it is a lot of fun, i will admit.
today i'm beginning an experiment. i'm drinking green tea again. let's hope this makes me more at peace and smarter and blah blah blah.
i want to cook, why am i stalling? that is a big question which i can't really answer...perhaps tonight i will understand.
Posted by piep0058 at 12:21 PM | Comments (0)
May 25, 2004
the cure?
so lately i've found a newfound interest in the cure. they're really good. so i hope my roommates will appreciate me cleaning up THEIR kitchen today. it's such a mess, how could anyone let things ever get so dirty. it's ridiculous.
but whatever, i don't mind, i just want things to be clean.
Posted by piep0058 at 02:14 PM | Comments (0)
eyes wide open
i just saw "supersize me" at lagoon with sexy scott. it was a great movie; there should be more of them like this. people don't realize how much others are controlling them. these companies are after making money, and they are being so sly about it. it's very wrong what they are doing.
i will never eat at mcdonals ever again. and to think, noodles is owned by mcdonalds! well i guess i will eat there.
but yeah, i'm hungry, but i'm sleepy, so i'm going to sleep and then eat tomorrow morning. yum yum yum.
Posted by piep0058 at 12:54 AM | Comments (0)
May 24, 2004
i'm so dumb
ok so i decided to take a walk around lake of the isles today. and then i was like oooo, let me go around lake calhoun too. well i did both of them, it took me 2.5 hours. and then i drove around lake harriet. there are a lot of nice houses. it'd be nice to live there one day... *i stare off in the sky*
so then i stuffed my fatass at noodles, yum! and i got a mocha at caribou. and this one homo with really bad hair had to follow me. i don't know what he was after, did he want me to know that he was a homo? so what would i have done, asked him out or something? he looked way too young and was prolly there with his mommy. at noodles. all he got was a krispy bar too! what's up with that? no one goes to caribou just to get a krispy bar! and he had really annoying shades on, and he needed a haircut bad, too. some people can be wierd, me included...i was walking around the lakes will bed head. oh my god i looked so silly i bet with my hair sticking up...that's no way to attract anyone!
i wish i had someone to walk around the lakes with...sigh.
Posted by piep0058 at 06:44 PM | Comments (2)
vacation!!!
i am soooo going to iceland.
i want to so bad. i hear gay life is really neat there, read this article for an explanation.
now all i need is a plane ticket.
this would be AWESOME!!!
and oh, FUCK THE TRAFFIC COPS!
Posted by piep0058 at 01:33 PM | Comments (0)
moved in!
ok so i've moved into my ghetto home in dinkytown. and it's not all that bad. i almost had a bad brush with with my new roommate, ryan. he wanted to move into my room and i was going to get the crap room. but i bitched it out to erin and she talked to him. so i'm in the good room again with the nice electrical outlets. yay. which means i'm IN MY ROOM typing this and not at walter or at bretts.
anyhow, i'm sure this will be just fine. right?
Posted by piep0058 at 11:24 AM | Comments (1)
May 23, 2004
am i really anorexic?
ok so anyhow, i'm fine chillin out right here for now. my weight really doesn't bother me. i mean, i feel fine, i'm not malnurished or anything, but i just don't feel like eating. i have plenty of food.
so tomorrow is sunday and the real move in day. thank the lord, i've been staying with brett far too much. i need to move on (and the bitch needs to move out!) but my place is awesome.
ok now i know i'm better than everyone else and so that may make it seem that i am pretentious or something. that the one problem with being better than everyone else. you have to pretend to be stupid so other people won't think you're too smart. i've been doing it for far too long, and i'm getting real sick of it! i should just be rude to everyone and have no friends. or just get drunk. i don't know, but it's getting harder and harder not to be myself just for the sake of having friends. fuck friends. i need friends, i know that, but please, don't bother me with petty problems. and i hate bitchy customers. just accept your fate and MOVE ON! I DON'T CARE HOW FUCKED UP YOUR LIFE IS, JUST PLEASE KNOW THAT WE IN THE RESTAURANT INDUSTRY ARE PEOPLE TOO! and we know what's best for you! so please, TAKE A SEAT!
ok i am done. now i can go back to being really lame and uninteresting.
Posted by piep0058 at 12:30 AM | Comments (0)
May 22, 2004
smelly mcsmellerson
oh my god i'm so nasty right now. in fact, i'm like nasty in general. i hope i don't smell when i move to dinkytown. cuz that place is kinda old and prolly a lot of people have smoked pot there. gross.
but i get to move in tomorrow. and i am putting my foot down! no ifs ands or buts about it, i seriously need to move in. i already have most of my stuff in the house, just not my clothes.
and i get the internet too! yay! that makes me super happy because i know i am addicted to using online chatting devices to give me entertainment.
and my life is boring enough as it is...i mean it's really not all that boring, but i don't know, i don't see myself meeting any new people anytime soon, so i'd like to change that. i'm really bad at meeting new people, somewhat by choice, because i know i make myself to seem pretentious or something. it's something i don't have that much control over, but whatever, i'm convinced that when people really get to know me they will see someone better than my outward appearance.
i love working at the loring pasta bar, did i tell you? especially compared to caribou, this job rocks! but i work at 5 and i need to shave so i better get my arse in gear and shower up!
Posted by piep0058 at 12:33 PM | Comments (17)
May 20, 2004
rolls eyebrows
so i still have not moved into my dinkytown apartment. which is kinda sucky, i mean I WANT TO MOVE IN, you'd think they could like hurry themselves up. i had to move out of my dorm by 8 p.m. on saturday. can't they set themselves a date and time or something? how hard can it be?
so i guess i'm getting used to having no one to date. i figured i would get used to it. it took a while for me to get used to dating people in the first place. but i swear it's like a drug.
so these yucky 40 year old men decided to flirt with me at loring last night. is this my job? NO. but i'll do it anyways. i know it's not something to be proud of when i can only attract 40 year old men, but when you're not attracting anyone else, i guess it's somehow comforting. but i know that last comment was over dramatic. i just haven't gone out in a long time. i'm sure i could meet some nice boys if i go to the saloon, right? WRONG. the people there are usually so wierd. i wouldn't trust anyone there to have a sound mind. but at least they're being social, which is important for any relationship that isn't based solely on online interaction.
who wants to go skinnydipping in the st. croix river? i know i do! there's this cute boy from my gay class that is working up there (because they rent out cabins) so one of these days i'm going ot visit erin mullan and who knows, he might catch a gilmpse of me naked. tee hee.
ok how many computers are there in this lab? and someone has to sit down right next to me! he's prolly reading this as i type. oh well.
i guess i should just go to work now. fucking big fucking mall. it pisses me off sometimes. but at least it pays me. YAY. and oh my god i have no money. can i please start making money now? obviously not.
muah love you bye bye.
Posted by piep0058 at 01:15 PM | Comments (2)
May 19, 2004
if i could put an angry face in here, i would...
oh my god i'm so fucking angry right now. well no, not really, i'm just a lil' flustered. if i would have been able to move in last night i would not have goten a parking ticket. oh yes, i got a parking ticket. i'm just going to pay the 33 dollars and get it done with. i could contest, but that would require caring too much, and apathy has set in already. i really just want to move in, is that so much to ask, i mean, these girls are crazy, and i'm getting sick of living so far away from my car. sad. really sad.
and my poor cell phone, it's dead, so i had to search through my car to find my charger (i have a car charger, but i don't feel like wearing down my car's battery).
so it's like i just went on a really nice date and wasn't able to experience any of it. oh well, i will survive. but i have to beg the question: was my car really messing up any system. on the ticket it said i was 6 ft. into a no parking zone. was this really a problem? i'm just going to accept it and pay it.
it's like legalizing gay marriage. is this really going to change anything? i think it's kinda funny that gay people can get married in massachusetts now. it hasn't really registered in my mind. i don't really even care. but i know other people do care, so good for them. in the meantime i'll be working 4 jobs to make ends meet. perhaps i might have more to say about this once i get over getting a parking ticket.
here are some haikus inspired by my rage right now:
sure it's a nice smile.
deep down there is a furnace.
soon it will cool off.
these girls are crazy.
i wish i could move in now.
EMILY! ERIN!
the mall is so big.
america would be proud.
e'erthing looks the same.
caribou's boring,
my life is sinking away.
hope it gets better.
Posted by piep0058 at 02:47 PM | Comments (0)
May 18, 2004
move-in day, supposedly
ok so today is the day i'm supposed to move into my ghetto-fabulous house. yay, i'm going to have a blast. i just want the person to move out and call me!!! i think i might stop at noodles to get some food, even though i know i have food at brett's apartment. why did i just say that? i don't know.
but it'll be cool to finally have to stop relying on brett to get into a place to live. it's like, he has to come let me in everytime i want to be let in. which isn't the most pleasant thing. i know it's not a big deal at all, he doesn't care, but i mean, it's like EVERY time.
i am suffering from online withdrawl. i seriously need to get back to talking online or something. either that or go out with someone.
i got pretty drunk last night. it was fun, i hadn't been drunk in a long time. i had probably one full bottle of wine overall (well maybe a little less). but everyone was awesome that i met. i met this one cute boy from duluth (i think, he had these duluth shirts on whenever i saw him). his name is jesse, and he's really good a volleyball--he took the 8 a.m. class right before me. i always thought he was cute, but i didn't consider him to be a homo. i mean, i wasn't surprised to see that he was a homo, he just didn't give me any absolute signals, so i had no reason to suspect that he could be so open with sexuality.
hey would be fun to date, perhaps. i wonder if "brent's buddy" is more than just a buddy. i'm sure he is--well it seems every hot tall student that i know has a boyfriend or refuses to consider dating a boy (i.e. "straight") anyhow brent and i might never meet. so no use barking up that tree.
i'm not like this in real life, i can have fun just fine. but--it's just a pressing issue. i was so used to having fun being so intimate with someone....nevermind i'll stop. i'm in no rush. i just have to convince myself of that.
and oh my god i'm so hungry--time to go to noodles or something!
Posted by piep0058 at 01:21 PM | Comments (0)
May 17, 2004
fuckity fuck fuck fuck
soooooooo...i was talking to nick today when he said "i don't mean to seem like and ass, but could you not talk to me while i'm working." which is kinda sad. this one girl he works with knows i'm a homo, and thus, talking to me, he MUST be gay too. yeah i was a lil' upset about it all, but i guess that's just the way the cookie crumbles. now i really got pissed when he had to say it again (as in he said it twice on another occasion). i mean, it was like an insult to my intelligence, which i never take very well, as anyone who has met me in person knows. perhaps i am pretentious, but i don't care. assuiming i have the intelligence of a 5 year old is not nice! it's one thing to be scared of being outed, i mean, it's a fear all homosexuals shared at one point in their life. but no one deserves to be treated such, simply out of fear.
but while i'm on the topic of other people being in the closet, i shall shed more light onto the subject of being in the closet in general. i've always maintained my refusal to give into fear. fear is the primary cause of why people can't be happy. some types of fear are good: for instance, i fear that my actions will cause hurt for another person, so i don't do them.
people also fear others believing they are homosexual. and i don't need to tell you why homosexuals have been stigmatized. but perhaps by staying in the closet, people are giving power to the belief that homosexuals are stigmatized. this is a real condition: people fear homosexuality. but why do i have to recognize that? i only know homosexuality is a bad thing because of other people fearing it. if i don't fear it, it's not a problem right?
but it still is, because other people don't see it the way i (and so many others) do. and it's everyone that counts, not one person. but perhaps by seeing it this way it's a form of passive resistance. power lies in discourse, and perhaps i can change the world with this persuasion. ( i know i am the worst person to persuade ANYONE. i would be the worst suicide counselor in the world ).
thus, there is only one way to make sure people like nick don't feel uncomfortable around people like me: change the minds of everyone else. needless to say, it's impossible. but by starting with one mind, perhaps thats a start. and i know i'm not alone on this one. but a secret to finding happiness is throwing away the fear of pursuing one's desire. another secret is knowing where to look (see previous entries). thus, the idea of coming out gives substance to this mythical closet, so don't come out, please. however, todays society operates in a thought process where heterosexuality has been naturalized. so everyone is aware that they need to inform people of their "unnatural" homosexuality.
this is the advice i would give anoyone seeking my counsel: don't do things/not do things out of fear of someone else's thoughts or actions. even if you might feel the exact opposite, act as though homosexuality is as completely natural (because only a few things are truly natural) as heterosexuality. eventually you get used to it, and (at least i can't remember the last time i denied homosexuality, i think it was some time in middle school, and it was very short lived).
please note my behaviour at home though: i share nothign with my parents, not out of fear, just out of habit. how many people do they know i've dated: 0 how many
allright, that being said, it's time to move on. i just ran into Russell! that made me happy, he's always been so nice to me, ever since i met him at the 90s that sunday after thanksgiving. and i'm so excited he's going to St. Louis. he is doing grad school work in german for washington university, right in my neck of the woods! oh it will be so fun, i will actually have a reason to go back to st. louis now! yay! and if he will be in soulard, mardi gras 2005 will be awesome (and i'll be 21 too!)
i like brett a lot, but i really am in instant messenger withdrawal. and i want my own space. it's cool to hang out with him but--i hate living in someone else's place without a key. it's hard to feel dependent on him whenever i go somewhere--i have to have him let me back in the apartment because i don't have a key.
but i get to move in tomorrow! tomorrow, tomorrow, i'll love you, tomorrow...
Posted by piep0058 at 05:01 PM | Comments (2)
May 16, 2004
i could go on a date or something...
i mean, i just want some excitement in my life or something. it doesn't have to be a good date! i'll settle for someone i can make fun of later on! i don't even want sex or any of that cuddling shit...i just want to meet someone new that is either cool or is totally nuts or both.
but until that happens, i'm stuck here at brett's. thank god he's being so nice and letting me stay with him. i guess i have cathal to thank for me meeting brett. and i guess i have the gay frat to thank for me meeting cathal, so it's not all stupid. this is the first time i'm think i'll ever thank that dumb frat for existing.
it could be so much better. they really need a house again. being on University Avenue is such a status symbol. it gives access to people that live near campus a place go and party and meet people. right now, it's total shit.
i know it's going to be a lot of money, but this should really be something they should set their sights on. the simple fact that the frat does not have a house is very detrimental to the idea of it being and organization. the only thing that draws people to join is the fact that it's gay. this is sooooo minoritarian. not that other frats aren't (rich white males) but the whole idea of the frat was that it was a progressive institution for all men.
the idea of having a specific frat for homos is ridiculous. it's a tangible object for gays accepting that they should be segregated from the straight world. now, there are some pros: it does provide a community for some homos coming to college and looking for other people to identify with. i know my freshman year, i was somewhat interested in the frat (i never went to any of the meetings or anything like that) but since i was in a transitional period of my life, learning so many new things, it would have been nice to have met some people back then. but i am still ok today. and in my mind, still being in this queer postion to those guys i guess gives me and edge.
i mean, i'm totally happy the way my experiences have gone. homosexuality is so different for everyone else. it's not just as simple as liking men. just because we have always been told NOT to do that, deliberately doing something you know to be wrong is an experience that is unique for everyone. most people who believe themselves to be straight don't understand it.
i think i might pick up a 3rd job. but only after i figure out what my hours are at caribou.
Posted by piep0058 at 04:41 PM | Comments (4)
May 15, 2004
moving out
so this will be my last entry from middlebrook hall. so sad. actually it is, i'm not being sarcastic here. i've lived here for 2 school years, and it's wierd as i'm living it to say i won't be here tomorrow, and i won't ever live here again. which really isn't all that bad, i mean, dorm life is kinda dumb.
oh well, whatever, no big deal--this is just a transition, and new surroundings are always cool, so i'm excited to move into my apartment.
so last night i went to kennedy high school with brett to see his sister in their song and dance performances. it was ok, there were a few good ones, and then there were a few not so great ones, and then there were a few bad ones. but the most interesting thing i saw were these japanese students visiting the high school. it's so wierd to see them--they look like america in the 1950s wearing their sport coats, except too perfect. when they were standing in line, they were all evenly spaced, perfectly. it's like they were on a grid. i've never seen such a thing in such an informal setting. i was quite intrigued.
japanese culture in general intrigues me. they've adopted american styles so much. and yet, it's all so traditionally japanese. i'd like to visit some day (considering i can speak japanese).
oh, in case you were wondering--Straub's is on a level higher than Byerly's. I forgot that there were some people unfamiliar with the St. Louis chain.
and oh, i need a haircut, bad.
Posted by piep0058 at 01:26 PM | Comments (0)
more "it's over!"
allright so in case you might have been wondering--i'm leaving nick behind. i'm through determining what his emotions are. if he wants me, come and get me, but i'm not waiting. before i was willing to wait. but i don't feel like it anymore, it doesn't make any sense, even if he was a really cool guy, there are other really cool guys out there. i know a lot of them. i also know a lot of really not cool guys out there.
needless to say now, i'm putting myself out on the market again! but oh no, this aint "shop 'n save" --i'm going high class here. i'm referring to straub's. yup, i'm putting myself up for sale at straub's, the high class market.
who knows when someone else will come along that i will feel like sharing the "not alone" feeling with. i should investigate this feeling more...i'm so sick of using quotes to describe this feeling.
let me sleep on it--am i alone with this feeling?
Posted by piep0058 at 01:14 AM | Comments (0)
May 14, 2004
it's over!
well, my sophomore year at college is officially over, and now it's time to reflect on the past year:
good experiences:
dating cathal, dating mike, finding a job and an apartment.
bad experiences:
cathal moving back to ireland, breaking up with mike, christmas.
experiences that made me grow (academically):
honors organic lab, gay men and homophobia.
experiences that made me grow (emotionally):
the 3some with chad and aaron, meeting cathal, struggling with mike, meeting nick.
most memorable moment of the year:
getting in a fight with a fucking drunk and annoying fatass at the 90s.
what i regret the most (not that i ever have any regrets at all, but if i could do something differently...) :
not reconciling with andrew glazebrook.
well, i'm movin to dinkytown! i'm so excited, aren't you?
i'm sure it will be a blast! i can't wait for all the countless hours talking online! oh my god my life is so sad--wait no it's not, i'm going to work out with aaron quick (and maybe brad so that i might eventually look like this.
allright, time to get my stupid black shirt for caribou ( i start on monday )
Posted by piep0058 at 03:55 PM | Comments (4)
May 13, 2004
emptiness fills me
ok so dan's moved out...kinda sad. and i have to move out too. that's pretty sad too. i don't know, things have to change, and things were great the way they were. but i'm on to bigger and better things. yay! dinkytown here i come!
so i talked to nick today--there seems to be a problem with our messengers, because he can't get the messages i send him. i hope he was just joking when he thought i was ignoring him, cuz i wasn't, we just can't receive each other's messages...
and why do i let myself become to enticed by talking to him? i don't know, i'm just tired of waiting. i wish he knew how much i am interested in him. i think he does and it scares him sometimes. but sometimes i don't think he even knows i get excited when i talk to him. there's something wrong with his phone too...is this a common problem? whatever, if he's working tomorrow night, i'll hopefully catch him working. but if not i'll just go find a black shirt for me to wear to caribou.
and i don't want just any black shirt--i want one that's actually fashionable! There are a lot of ugly back shirts out there--i want one that's actually sexy in some form. and doesn't cost too much. well, either a blach shirt or a white shirt--caribou let's me decide on that at least.
and now--it's on the p-chem (among other things, like cleaning up my room) because i have a final tomorrow at 1:30! oh my god! it's my last one! i'm like freakin out!
ugh--that empty feeling is coming back
Posted by piep0058 at 05:21 PM | Comments (0)
May 12, 2004
relative humidity: 100%
oh my god the air is like saturated right now. but that's ok, CUZ I HAVE THE MOST AWESOME CELL PHONE IN THE WORLD!!! It's so nice. My number is 612-703-7495. I'm working on my phone book right now, so if you want me to add you, just ask. so far i have 3 phone numbers! now i don't have to worry about all these phone numbers written down on these little scraps of paper laying around my desk!
so the kitty cat klub was pretty boring last night, i mean, i really didn't know what my job was--it's not like people can't seat themselves. working at the LPB is a lot more structured.
and my family comes to visit me tonight! i think they are already on their way...now they can see just how stereotypically gay i have become. oh well, whatever. if they're lucky they'll be able to come into loring and eat there. i'll still be workin until 10 p.m.
i'm not that stereotypically gay, am i?
Posted by piep0058 at 12:33 PM | Comments (1)
May 11, 2004
tick tick boom
Just one more final left on friday, and just 5 more days until i have to move out--what a rush! as much as i don't get excited, it's going to mark an important point in my life: when i move to the most ghettofied house i will ever allow myself to live in.
i mean it's really not that bad, i mean i am basically living below the poverty line. but whatever.
so this is my first day at caribou (just orientation) i hope i don't get all ruffled up when it comes to making coffee and asking someone if they want more than what they asked for. and then i'm off to check out nick and let him know that he is actually very sexy. i wish he would stop fishing for compliments all the time. and i wish he would want to hang out with me more often. but hey, like i've said before, i'm not pushing him to do anything he doesn't want to do.
oh my god my brain hurts right now...
Posted by piep0058 at 01:00 PM | Comments (2)
May 10, 2004
ahhh, i feel a lot better
ok so biology is over! yay! no more fucking lab and no more fucking boring lectures. all that's left is 2 finals at 2 hours each, so that's like 4 hours! needless to say, i'm in a great mood.
and i'm also in a great mood because i just talked to nick. i was worried he wasn't interested anymore because we hadn't really talked a whole lot. but then someone very smart pointed out the fact that perhaps he doesn't see a problem, i mean, he's not out, and he's prolly never been in a relationship. i never really valued talking to someone else until i dated Cathal, and at first i thought it to be bizzare that he called me so much on nights just to talk. talk about what? i didn't know then, but now it makes all so much sense. he called me sexy! isn't that great? but he has this wierd system of gauging someone's attractedness by his erectness, which is bizzare, especially because i have a really bad sex drive when it comes to things like that. and especially when i'm really nervous. the final point i want to make is that i'm in no desperate need to be around someone all the time (even though i'm so used to knowing how good it can feel to sleep together a lot).
so i don't want to be one of those needy people that rate their own value by who their dating. i am perfectly happy being alone. and sex is nothing i'm interested in right now. i just am looking for that "not alone" feeling you get when you date someone you really like a lot. i hope nick will find that same "not alone" feeling with me.
i'm in no rush to get into anything, but at least i will understand it more when we go for periods without talking to each other...maybe once i get my cell phone we'll keep in touch more often.
well, maybe i should get some solitaire out of my system before i start going over chemical engineering.
Posted by piep0058 at 03:07 PM | Comments (0)
biology ho!
So this is what i look like if i were in south park...
so what do you think?
Posted by piep0058 at 09:35 AM | Comments (1)
May 09, 2004
my thoughts on emotions
ok so right now in mikes profile it says that maybe he's cursed or it's probably just him. how do i respond to this? well it makes me feel sad, i mean, nick and i aren't really dating now and it's not like we had any intention of dating while mike and i were still together. i mean i would like to date nick...but i'm not forcing anything, he needs to know what's going to make him happy. (and actually talk to me too!)
and, to top it off, it's not like i said "i'm not gay anymore" after i dated mike. and i think it's mean to compare myself to arthur. but whatever, i know mike will find the happiness he wants, soon, he will forget about me. and i hope i'm not lumped into a huge category of suppressed memories, but we can't always get what we want, can we?
that being said, now it's on the more philosophical issues. like emotions in general; here's my analysis of why mike (as do many others) feels the way he does: people desire what they see. it's been engraved into everyone's mind that people are supposed to be with someone, whether it be homo- or heterosexual. that's what almost every romance is about--someone always ends up paired up in the end with someone. 2 exceptions are Along Came Polly and the Rules of Attraction. the former, ben stiller and jennifer aniston are basically just "hanging out" in the end. but they're happy, without a declared commitment. the the latter movie, all three characters are alone in the end, but is that so sad? no.
so why isn't it so sad, i mean, they all could have had something really rewarding. well i believe the answer lies in what they view to be happiness. i know i can handle living alone for a certain time. i mean, i won't be alone my whole life will i? why should being alone for a few days or weeks or months or years mean so much? i know there is someone out there that is right for me. but until then i'm not going to be sad because i'm not with that person. because life is too short to be sad about what might have been. it's too short to try to hold on to things that don't exist or to things that hurt you. well my life is too short at least.
by the way, don't read anything i say as absolute, this is just how i'm feeling now.
i've always believed happiness is best attained in finding the beauty in the simplest things in life. there's always so much around you, how can you ever feel sad? it happens when you become blind to such beauty, when your constructions in life have clouded your sight to view such beauty.
oh god i sound like something from american beauty...shoot me now!
well, it's finals week folks, and you know what that means, i'm playing spider solitaire instead of studying.
Posted by piep0058 at 04:04 PM | Comments (3)
i should be understanding, shouldn't i?
ok so apparently it's like a celebration that people avoid joe on saturday night. i don't know, i know i'm being over dramatic here, but it would just be nice to hear from some people who need to talk to me. namely this one girl, emily, whom i happen to be subleasing from. however, i havent' seen the place and she hasn't e-mailed me back since tuesday with any info. so i'm still left in the dark on where i'm living, but I WILL live there.
and nick, good ol' nick, why didn't he call me? i sure wish he did - that woulda been nice, but you can't always get what you want. so i'm not going to worry about it too much anymore. oh what a bunch of crap, you know i'm going to pull my hair out of my head. but i'll try not to.
if you want to see a funny online journal check out my friend brett's journal.
soooo, i went to a party at cody's last night which was fun, preggers meggers was there as well as lily and kit. i drank a full bottle of boons farm, isn't that nasty? it was raspberry hard lemonade. i woulda preferred a bottle of cabernet sauvignon. or a bottle of jack daniels. but it was good i didnt' get drunk, i have a biology midterm on monday that i need to actually do well on. which makes me sad, because this is the easiest class ever. and i need like 40/50 points to get an A. i can do that. it's just evolution and all that crap.
i really spend too much time on these online journals. but oh well, that's good for me and bad for you.
Posted by piep0058 at 10:05 AM | Comments (3)
May 08, 2004
I'm so smart!
so i decided that i'd change things up a lil bit on my journal. i added a picture of someone i think is really sexy but don't expect other people to find attractive. i'm so narcissistic. and i switched colors, from maroon (that you might see on david mackereth's journal) to georgia blue. i think it suits me better. the maroon was too...ummm...mellow in that off-beat way. the blue is more mellow in a more mainstream way, but i'm not that off-beat. so i guess i have become capitulated by someone else's created color, sad!
i'm going to e-mail that sober irish bitch, cathal, today. and tell him to look at my online journal. it's been so long since i've talked to him. it was so much fun while he was here, i think we got along really well; i wonder what would have happened if he were coming back. i mean, we never really had any problems while we were dating, perhaps that could have been because we knew he was leaving. but honestly, i didn't see us splitting up anytime soon.
so i have to work tonight at loring, good times, i hope i get off early enough to go out with nick. he's so funny, like, he gets excited, but not in the spastic way that i get excited. getting him to bust out laughing is a big accomplishment. but i'll settle for just seeing him smile. tee hee.
ok so the whole gay marriage thing: pros, marriage would be like THE final step for gay liberation, so people wouldn't have a problem with gays after a while. cons, isn't this just a way to limit people, i mean, why are people forced to mate up for the rest of their life? but at the same time, why can't they mate up? all in all, i'm in favor of gay marriage, but it would be nice to just "hang out" and when you're done, just "not hang out" without worrying about marriage or divorce. look at this site if you still need more convincing.
Posted by piep0058 at 01:39 PM | Comments (6)
May 07, 2004
He's not avoiding me!
Ok, so the banquet tonight was a good time, sorta. On one hand i got to eat some awesome food (who knew chocolate covered pineapple could be so fun?) and on the other hand, i missed my phone call with nick. sad! but we talked on the phone for quite a bit after i RAN FROM COFFMAN TO MIDDLEBROOK. i could hardly talk, but he was already on his way back to Faribault.
So apparently his mom was snooping through his closet and found some gay pictures. Yikes--i was so paranoid growing up, the closest thing i had to hard evidence was men's health (they're hot! for being in their 30s) so he's got some tough times ahead--and i'm sure things will turn out just fine; it's just hard for any parent to deal with the fact that their son isn't going to surrender the the capitalist dream of marrying a woman and breeding a lot. it's what they've always dreamed of living, and what they envision their children doing.
i know my parents will cry or yell at me a lot when they find out i date men. but i have bigger and better things planned for myself. and they don't involve slaving away at caribou coffee and the loring pasta bar for the rest of my life. i'm going to take swedish, move to sweden, and have swedish babies. and then invent some cool snack bar that i will make a ton of money selling them.
Posted by piep0058 at 10:54 PM | Comments (0)
and today the world begins...
so i have succomb to the awesome power of online journals--what has become of me?
oh hell i really don't care all that much, i think this will be fun so in a week i can see see how stupid i was the week before, or month, or year...
today was the last day of classes. sad! but not really, it's good to be over.
and one thing--i'm desperately waiting for him to call. well i'm not desperate, but i have that feeling one gets when he realizes that someone isn't interested in him. if you know what i mean. life will go on, but it would be so good to see him.
well, i better go back to playing spider solitaire and get ready for the Hall Council Banquet. i'm just going to get dessert and then run back to my room to check my voicemail--i need a damn cell phone!
and i love all of you! yes, that means you too!
Posted by piep0058 at 04:51 PM | Comments (5)