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June 04, 2006
Emotional Rollercoaster
Wow what a weekend! It certainly has been a lot to deal with. I'm not even sure if I can take it.
For the two months since Sam and I have broken up, it has been a rather mediocre dating scene. (If anyone I have dated since then is reading this I apologize.) I have found it very difficult to find the right person to date. Maybe I have had unrealistic expectations. When I dated Sam I loved his parents and family. It was so strange to meet someone's parents, and yet, it was so great to be accepted into a family. I want something like that again. I don't want to have to be that "friend" that is always there under any circumstances (well at least most circumstances like friends and family).
It was so great to know that someone cared about me and was genuine with their feelings. I could tell him anything. And he knew (for the most part) when I would be bullshitting about things. I could call those times out for him too... but sometimes I would be too embarrassed to actually say something. If there's anything good that I've found is that it is so important to communicate how I feel immediately. I found myself burying my emotions and I would lash out in frustration when I could not express them to him. Perhaps I just thought myself as worrying too much. And I didn't want to appear as an über-jealous neurotic freak that freaked out at every slight detail. I know there is a good balance between communication of real concerns and disregarding actions that mean nothing, but I decided to remain at the extreme end of the disregarding side. I mean, words should be the final say.
So, now the purpose of the entry: Sam came back for a visit this weekend because his sister Martha was graduating from high school. And in the course of the visit, we managed to get back together, sleepover, spend a day with his family, play a game of tennis where I whooped his ass, decided to just be friends, and then become tragic at the Saloon.
It really did come full circle. It started and ended at the Saloon, that wretched faggy bar. Thursday emerged all the emotions I had tried so carefully to bury. He claims it was not the alcohol speaking, but I am not too sure. We decided to get back together, which, I will admit, was an attractive proposal. It meant the end of all this struggle I had been having in the past few months to find someone. I could finally relax.
The day of Martha's graduation party was okay. I mean, I had meant to play a game of tennis with Sam. for a few hours and then head back. And then head back later for Martha's graduation party. Instead however, I sat through it all. Helping out wasn't so bad, there was something to do, family to talk to that I have known for a while and knew who I was. The actual party itself was hard to deal with, though. It might have been a dream for networking skills, however, I was just so worn out from the day that I couldn't get excited about it. By 9:30 I was asleep in the TV room at their house and was not woken up until 10:30.
The next morning Sam and I played a game of tennis. And I managed to address the lack of contact I had been experiencing from him. He admitted that he had doubts on getting back together, and I also expressed the same doubts. I mean, I was willing to continue the long distance thing because it had simply gone so well. But all he could think about was the bad times, apparently. Or he just thought I was fat, that might also be a possiblity. Or he knew there was a better match for him out there. Of course he will never admit any of this. He has told me over and over that he has not met anyone better, and doesn't want me to think anything otherwise. Long story short, I also agreed that not being officially together while he's in Cincinnati is a good choice. And it really is. Both options have their pros and cons. So why not just see where fate takes us. I can't argue with that.
Later on Saturday night we headed to the Saloon. I picked up Sam around 9:30, headed to Benny's at 10:00. Talked to his parents for a while, I pretended to flirt with a picture of Benny's younger brother Chritty, and headed to Alan's house. Sam made it clean on several jokes that he and I were just friends. I didn't think too much of this at first. He even told me that the idea of getting married eventually when he comes back to Minneapolis was attractive to him. Whatever.
So we went to a bar in St. Paul called Trikkx. It wasn't bad. I mean, would I go there again? Yes, but only with friends, and preferably if they were doing a special even there. But to be honest, compared to the Saloon it's rather boring for the young gay crowd. Although, I really liked it! It was clean and friendly, no leather daddies, no overtly sexual things that you might find at Over the Rainbow.
So, what do you do on a Saturday night in Minneapolis if you feel that you need a more exciting gay time? Go to Saloon. And we did. It is probably the most exciting gay club on any given night. Maybe 90s has it beat on a Sunday every once in a while. All four of us, Alan, Benny, Sam and I drove from Trikkx to Saloon. It was exciting, I'll say that. Especially exciting at the end of the night. I dropped off Ben. And I dropped off Alan next. And apparently Sam decided he would stay with Alan that night. And Sam also left the key to his house in my car, indicating he wasn't going home anytime soon.
So Sam and Alan messed around. I would never suggest that Sam would ever do that to intentionally hurt me emotionally. That's just ludicrous. Do I think he was doing what he wanted? Yes. I mean, doesn't everybody do what they want most of the time?
Was I crying on the way home? Yeah. Should I have been? I don't know. Why was I so hurt? There was some rejection of me on Sam's part. But I was okay with just being friends. But hooking up like that in front of me? I guess we're even from the night when Sam almost ran me over with Chris Farrar. While he intended to or not, he got me back. I don't think I can deny I wasn't disappointed. I honestly felt hurt by this blatant act of intimacy with someone else right in front of my face. But back to the question: Should I feel hurt?
No. I shouldn't. Sam and I are just friends. But what about all he said about marrying, and not finding anyone better? Was it even true? Sam, I'm sure, will insist that he was speaking the truth. And I will believe on the grounds that it might have been his conscious truth. It might be what he has told himself, and what he knows won't hurt me.
Yes, I'm saying he's lying to himself about what he wants. And he actually believes what his superego is telling him. Isn't that truth enough if he believes it?
I always felt that a hard moment to believe in the movie Closer were the characters abrupt "I don't love you anymore" quotes. They all said them. I never understood how someone could do that. How can someone's deep feelings change so fast? Well, perhaps I know now.
Posted by piep0058 at 08:13 PM | Comments (7)