Category "My Mind"
May 08, 2008
My Battle With Bigorexia: The Illusion of a Real Athlete
Here's a newsflash: I've been hitting the gym recently. And by recently I mean almost everyday for the past 2 years.
It all started when I started working at 3M. Having a gym within walking distance and a less than stressful job have really allowed me to have an active gym life. Recently it was commented that I was looking really good and I should keep up what I'm doing at the gym to get bigger.
Okay, the truth is, I don't really have bigorexia. And here's why: I don't freak out if I don't get enough protein, I don't stress out if I don't make it to the gym when I want to, and I don't sacrifice other relationships for the sake of going to the gym, and I have no desire to spend money on steroids.
That being said, I do examine myself in the mirror on a frequent basis, I take protein supplements, I get upset if I miss a workout to do nothing at home, and (here's the issue I wish to discuss) I never seem to be satisfied with my body's appearance. I should point out a few things: I am not unhealthy by any accounts, I have around 10% body fat, I have a healthy heart, I can run a six-minute mile at any given moment, I'm 6'3" and weigh 190 pounds.
This is what I do not want to become. What a nutcase. Absolutely not gonna happen. What went wrong with this one? I don't knw. Did anyone see him practice boxing? He's not athletic at all. Why does he get attention then? Why is he even a character on The Real World? Almost every season there is one character on The Real World that takes working out to the extreme. Seattle: David. New Orleans: David (woo woo). Chicago: Chris. Hollywood: Joey. (I know I'm skipping a few, I'm not a huge fan of the show since I got to college.)
Okay, I might not have been entirely clear from the start of this essay. My battle with bigorexia is not the internal one that you might have been thinking of. It has nothing to with being insecure, even though I might be from time to time. I just wanted to get it on the table that I was not a total fatass.
The real battle was prompted by this exaltation of the bigorexic man. What images are evoked when the topic of heroes is brought up? More often than not, a herculean image will eclipse anything jasonian in our mind. (Jason of Jason and the Argonauts was a weak little prick who only is a hero because he was helped by women, only to leave them.)
The problem I am getting at is this: these neo-herculean actors are rarely truly athletic. Big muscles might suggest strength, but speed or agility do not necessarily figure into the picture. And yet, extremely muscular men are idolized in bars, in movies, and other public venues. For why? They spend hours at the gym and consume copious amounts of protein and, if that is not enough, resort to anabolic steroids. Very admirable, unless they are listening to books on tape while pumping iron. I know I love liseting to War and Peace while doing the bench press.
Point of the story: I applaud serious bodybuilders for their efforts and dedication. It's not easy to get to the gym everyday. What I do not applaud is deifying serious bodybuilders into sex gods or superheroes. I'd rather have a decathlete, in my opinion.
Posted by piep0058 at 01:57 PM | Comments (1) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
April 03, 2007
On a Roll!
So I've been writing a lot lately. I'm not entirely sure why. There seems to be a lot of time on my hands, I guess, but then again, there always is a lot of time for me these days.
I would most likely be walking outside right now; however, it's snowing. While I know it's Minnesota, I think snow in April is a bit excessive. I would be generally okay with the idea if a) it hadn't reached 80 degrees here last week and b) the snow hadn't froze on my windshield causing me to have to scrape it.
Missouri better have some better weather when I'm down there this weekend. Speaking of traveling... I might just stop in Davenport, Iowa.
And then I can stop at Coral Ridge Mall in Iowa City! Yes? I think so! Oh what a poor representation of Americana. I really don't think one can find any less sophisticated shopping conditions in the United States. The sad part is, they really tried hard to make it a nice mall. It's big, yeah, it has all the stores anyone expects (but no abercrombie kids!!!). The Sioux Empire in Sioux Falls also does not have an abercrombie kids, but I think it's done a lot nicer (for just being one floor!). Not that it's really saying much, but if I had to choose which small town to drive through, Sioux Falls beats Iowa City. Or maybe I'm basing my opinion upon the amount of gays I saw at the respective malls... hmmm who knows. Bottom line? I better have some 70 degree weather in St. Louis or I'll be pissed.
Posted by piep0058 at 09:05 PM | Comments (0) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
Category "My Mind"
March 27, 2007
Dreaming of Iceland
In case there's anyone reading this that doesn't really know me or talk to me on at least a weekly basis, it may come as a surprise to the reader that I am heading to Europe this summer. I've scrounged up a few pennies and some vacation time here and there and talked with some people I know that will be there.
For some reason this is all I can dream of right now.
I could just camp here and watch this everday, and I would be happy.
This is my proposed route. Yes, I am flying IcelandAir. I know they're cheap but I just don't care. They're the only major airline to go to Iceland from Minneapolis.
It's strange but I've never really had a particular desire to go to London. I'm sure it will be great though. I might meet up with Cathal, or Mr. Smith perhaps. Or just, you know, meet random people, which is always fun to do when traveling alone. And since it will just be for about a week or so, I won't have to pack too much clothes, which means I only have to worry about carrying just some slutty clothing, which usually weighs less than normal clothing.
Posted by piep0058 at 09:41 PM | Comments (3) | My Mind | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
Category "My Mind"
Dreaming of Iceland
In case there's anyone reading this that doesn't really know me or talk to me on at least a weekly basis, it may come as a surprise to the reader that I am heading to Europe this summer. I've scrounged up a few pennies and some vacation time here and there and talked with some people I know that will be there.
For some reason this is all I can dream of right now.
I could just camp here and watch this everday, and I would be happy.
This is my proposed route. Yes, I am flying IcelandAir. I know they're cheap but I just don't care. They're the only major airline to go to Iceland from Minneapolis.
It's strange but I've never really had a particular desire to go to London. I'm sure it will be great though. I might meet up with Cathal, or Mr. Smith perhaps. Or just, you know, meet random people, which is always fun to do when traveling alone. And since it will just be for about a week or so, I won't have to pack too much clothes, which means I only have to worry about carrying just some slutty clothing, which usually weighs less than normal clothing.
Posted by piep0058 at 09:41 PM | Comments (3) | My Mind | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
January 01, 2007
Oh my god it's 2007
Yay Heroes is on right now!
-Picture from NBC.com
Okay so the premise of the show is that people are realizing that they exhibit supernatural abilities that basically make no sense for the most part. Precognition, levitation, time travel, telekinesis, etc., they all appeal the this mythological need in my psyche. It's not that I really expect anything like this to ever actually happen. Sure, over time it might be possible for humans to heal faster than they do now, and I could even imagine that some day people might have the ability to possess greater strength than they do today. These are most likely going to be much more gradual changes. Unfortunately the way natural selection works nowadays we probably won't ever gain a chance to realize these mutations.
The show is basically a dramaticized X-men series, or a modern day tale of mythology. And somehow it's gained a lot of popularity. Why though? Is it fulfilling the same need of the human imagination that ancient mythology has done for centuries? I don't think it's very profound to say that mythology tells us more about ourselves than about any random writer's imagination. What I think is profound, though, is explaining why we feel a need to believe people might have extraordinary abilities. I mean, it's plain to see that the show makes no sense. I hate the idea of time travel. Phasing a solid body through walls is so dumb. Reading somebody's mind is a joke too. And yet I love this show. I'm so lame.
One thing that bothers me about the show, however, is NBC's need to clarify the sexual orientation of the character Zach (pictured below).
Yeah, he's cute. But was his sexual orientation really that important to disclose? I really appreciated the ambiguity about his sexual orientation. I mean they really could have done whatever they wanted with him. Just the fact that they showed someone being bullied based on perceived sexual orientation was good enough for me. But then they have to fuck it all up by disclosing this information on the side. I'm pissed.
Posted by piep0058 at 07:31 PM | Comments (4) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
December 19, 2006
Probably the most dramatic year of my life...
So 2006 is on the way out. And waht a year. I don't think I've felt such extreme emotions in any other year of my life. Here's just a short recap.
Sam. Elation, sadness, then apathy.
Europe. Carelessness then fear.
Career. Nevousness, disappointment, then joy.
Perhaps the most vivid memory I will have of this year was getting the call from Mark (my boss) informing me that I was hired. I remember listening to it over and over again in the bathroom at abercrombie (yes, the kids store). I had been up since 6 a.m. that morning, and I didn't actually have my phone on me when I was called. So, around 9:30 that Thursday I went back to check it. Apparently I had 4 voicemail messages, 10 missed calls, and I had also been paged twice as well.
Sure enough, the calls were all from a 651 number that I recognized to be from 3M. I listened to all the messages right away. (Technically you're not supposed to be on your phone while at work, but I felt this was an emergency). Basically I was jumping up and down in the bathroom in the back room. All I had to share the moment with was the toilet, sink, mirror, mop, vacuum, and plastic bags. But oh, I'm sure I brought a smile to their faces with my crazy antics as I was jumping up and down in joy.
I initially thought I had fucked it up because my grades my last semester were sub par to say the least. On top of that, I felt I had totally fudged their question about process control in my secondary interview. I was ready to just give up, move back to Missouri, and be miserable with my parents. I was ready to say bye to Minneapolis. Oh how sad would that have been!
Getting this job has meant so much to me. I'm able to live in a city that I love and start a career that I love and go somewhere with it. Although it was not as dramatic as I expected, the stress in my life has decreased many times over. I guess one could describe it in radioactive decay. The intial slope was very fast (that day I was called by Mark) and every day the stress of senior year is slowly widdled away.
I know this is not very profound to say, as everyone changes from day to day. However, I honestly wouldn't recognize myself a year ago. While my metamorphosis might not be as dramatic as say, someone else I see every day, I have literally gone full circle in the emotional spectrum. Is it for better or for worse? Well maybe next year I'll know for sure.
Posted by piep0058 at 08:21 PM | Comments (3) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
September 21, 2006
Current State of Mind
So lately it seems there's one thing on my mind. And this one thing is so incredibly lame. But at the same time, I can't seem to think about anything else: finding someone decent to date.
I'm becoming quite bad about it all, and I am unsure about what my problem is. Is it even my problem? I'd like to think it just has to do with an unsatisfactory dating pool. However, I must concede that the problem could very well be me: Even if someone great to date came along I wouldn't know it.
Why? Because I am either afraid to commit to a relationship or I will find some fault (or make up a fault) in anyone I go on a date with. Or maybe I am looking for something that doesn't exist, that is, I am looking for a specific type of guy or whatever and I'm having unrealistic expectations.
I'm not going to outline what I look for here, I think I've already done that before in a previous post. However, I will admit here that what I look for in specific has no specific guidelines. It's all about finding the right person to click with. And, it's quite sad to say, no one has really peaked my interest.
And that's something that facebook, myspace, whatever can't cure.
Posted by piep0058 at 05:58 PM | Comments (6) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
September 20, 2006
After a Mocha...
Hey check it out I got some new glasses!
I know, so gay right? Naw I think they're pretty decent... not too queeny, but just enough to give me an edge, without YELLING to the world that I'm out to critique your taste in fashion or interior decorating. I also got my head shaved tonight, thank you Alan.
So, in case you were too lazy to google the word OLED or look it up on wikipedia... I have a picture for you. It's actually quite neat what I do. The big problem that we hope to solve is how to improve performance (that is, standardizing the turn-on voltage of these devices and increasing lifetime). And so hopefully the process I develop will ameliorate these setbacks to launching a marketable OLED device.
It would be nice to have an electronic display that was extremely flexible and durable. I think everyone would agree with that. There are so many products to launch with this technology I don't even know what would be useful. The only ones I can think of right now are computer monitor and television screens. However, since these will be so cheap and easy to make, they could, theoretically replace many of the typical paper products out there: maps, calendars, and address books just to name a few.
Now that's an idea, an address book that's flexible enough to wrap around a pen. What else would be good? There's so many things that we could do. It's gonna take a lot of consumer input to actually develop a useful product that goes beyond the ones I've already stated.
I think I've had my fill of gay coffee for the night. Yeah that's right, I'm at Wilde Roast; it is just a few blocks away from my house.
By the way, I had the pleasure of receiving a drink from Tim the other night. It was odd to have someone recognize me from my blog. Who knew. Thanks man I owe you a vodka tonic. Good luck with that one girl... ha!
Posted by piep0058 at 10:36 PM | Comments (3) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
April 03, 2006
The Existence of Love (And Trying My Best Not to Sound Like I Need Psychiatric Help)
On the radio the other day (I was listening to 89.3 the current) and someone was asked if they believed in love and he said a flat out 'no.' This prompted me to speculate if he was correct, and, after a week, this is my conclusion:
Assume love does not exist.
Then what is driving every one else to search for it? What keeps a couple longing for each other. Or stimulates the emotions when they see each other after an extended time away, observed very frequently at the airport, for instance. Two lovers are reunited after one is off doing business and the other must stay at home. Or a mother and child, the story is all the same.
So is this feeling real at all? If it's not love then what is it? Many humans, it seems, get excited for anything or anyone they are anticipating. Love has nothing to do with it.
So, if love does not exist, then all romantic feelings are simply constructed from other parts of the mind. How are they constructed? We desire what we see. A person sees two people having a good time with his/her boyfriend/girlfriend. That person desires to find a person that he/she may also spend good times with. The good times encompasses all things in a relationship: cliche handholding in the beach, eating out at dinner, intimacy, and possibly sex.
People want to find someone to spend these moments with. Is it out of love that they search? Or social pressure? One cannot deny that there are at least some people that feel the need to marry out of social pressure that they will date/marry someone they don't necessarily 'love.' (Note, I'm using the word 'love' here in the constructed sense, not saying that people are actually in love, negating my argument).
One is tempted to say, 'But look at these two young lovers, look at how they look at each other, how they kiss, these two are certainly in love.'
But are they? Or do they just find a mental state of security through clearing their minds of everything else and concentrating on their beloved? And do they find the financial security in a relationship to fulfill their desire (albeit socially constructed) to raise a family.
I'm not done with this thought. I need to eat though and I have no food at my house.
Posted by piep0058 at 07:34 PM | Comments (29) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
March 19, 2006
Back the Blogging Track (Perhaps?)
I feel I have had more entries in the past week or so than I have in the past year. Honestly, my life has become grossly complicated. I've been longing for the days when the most I had to worry about was waking up on time in the morning. Now I have graduating, finding a job, not being like Ennis Del Mar, and bills to worry about, just to say the least of my troubles.
So the job search continues. I really want a job in Minneapolis, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Could I really move to Texas. My first response is to say NO WAY IN HELL. I will never move south of the Mason-Dixon line, ever.
But then I think that any job I get would only be for a few years before I go back to school. So, living in, say, Austin or Houston wouldn't be all bad. Austin is somewhat of a liberal oasis down there. Same with San Antonio, so I've heard.
A job in Madison or Denver or Chicago or New England or the Pacific Northwest would be totally acceptable. In fact I would welcome the chance to relocate to one of those cities for a year or so. Perhaps even Germany or Austria?
It would most definitely have to be something I would enjoy doing. That is, not working in a smelly plant. Something that is new and exciting and not just getting numbers and presenting them. I would hate that.
So, let the games begin.
Posted by piep0058 at 01:52 AM | Comments (2) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
July 19, 2005
Back to Europe
I was watching the Bourne Identity last night and, for some reason, it made me want to go to Paris. Maybe it was the screen shot of this (l'Arc de la Defense). And then I decided to check out more pictures of it, such as this one. Thanks Google Images! You've sold me on a trip to Europe. Paris would be fun...unfortunately I don't speak French.
It seems that European cities use more street images for postcards while American cities use huge buildings for theirs. St. Louis has the Arch, Chicago has the Hancock/Amoco/Sears Tower (pick one). Minneapolis? The IDS/Wells Fargo/225 S. Sixth. Could one recognize one American city street from another, if one just saw the streets? Perhaps. Minneapolis does have all those skyways. Still, I've never seen a postcard with Nicollet Mall on it. (I'm sure one exists, it's just not common to send).
Why is nothing like this ever built in Minneapolis? Yes, I know, the streets are a bit small for the equivalent of 16 lanes of traffic. I say just take out the block from Lyndale to Aldrich and make a huge street that goes all the way from downtown to, I don't know, somewhere like 50th. Make the street extra wide so that there's plenty of sidewalk space, and even better bike lanes. Of course, they couldn't possibly be any safer as they are now
Is my sense of eminent domain somewhat communistic? Probably. I don't care! It would look cool. We could even put in a big archway at Franklin/Lyndale and have a huge traffic circle! Cuz that would help congestion... Yeah, I know, probably not. That is a rather busy intersection.
I guess my only point that I'm trying to make is that streets in Europe have much bigger sidewalks, are much more aesthetically pleasing, and have nice arches/obelisks that can be seen for miles. I just want to see that here.
...
And of course the only way to do that would be to knock out the Aldrich block or the Garfield block. Actually, in all honesty, they could take any street that is long and straight and do this. Lyndale (or really anywhere in Uptown) just happens to have a high population density it seems. And Hennepin is crooked, so it's out.
Posted by piep0058 at 01:28 PM | Comments (1) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
May 01, 2005
Rockefeller/Greenberg Comparison?
Okay, now, I'm sure other people have noticed this...
But check out the similarities between Maurice Greenberg, former head of American International Group (of which I happen to be a shareholder) and John D. Rockefeller, the hairless leader of Standard Oil.
Okay...so maybe they don't look that much alike...but whatever, I just thought they sorta resemble each other when I was reading about Greenberg on BBC.
Posted by piep0058 at 01:28 PM | Comments (0) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
April 04, 2005
People on my Bad Side
It's no secret there are those on this earth that I don't hold in high regard. For whatever reason it may be, some people just rub me the wrong way. I used to keep a lot of this information to myself. I mean, if someone happened to piss me off, I would just look the other way and either a) forget about it, or b) use passive agressive tactics to 'get back at them.'
In the past few months however, I've noticed a trend: I bitch out loud about people I don't like. I'm not exactly sure if I should be doing this or not. I mean, it's not exactly polite to tell someone 'I don't like you as a person.' Right now there's a list of about 10 people to whom I've said that specific statement.
But something bothers me.
Is this really the right thing to do?
Part of me want so say yes. Telling someone upfront I dislike them as a person is the only way they will change. (Assuming I want them to change). I mean, what else is the point of insulting them if I don't want them to change. Insulting them is a form of constructive criticism. I wish to see change in this person, therefore I will attempt to change this person. This person will not improve by sugar coating the consequences of his words/actions.
The flip side of this argument is that I would make myself to appear as a huge bitch. I mean, there has to be some balance between just letting people piss me off and actually doing something about it so they do not piss me off anymore. I don't know, it's really atypical of me to actually bitch about other people. I mean, it's really hard not to see the good in almost everyone. But with a few people in particular I've found it easy not to see it.
I don't know, maybe I'm just being a bitch. I guess I've been bitching to everyone else in person, hence the lack of entries for the month of March.
Posted by piep0058 at 10:44 PM | Comments (0) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
February 23, 2005
I'm pissed
This is more of a mental note than an actual entry:
Joe, please don't fuck up again. We've gone through this before. Just say NO next time.
Posted by piep0058 at 12:47 AM | Comments (0) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
February 19, 2005
I'm easily amused
I was doing some homework for ChEn4201 with the program MATLAB when I thought about how amazing the scrolling feature on my computer was. I mean, how do they do that! Here I am doing menial computer programming. And somehow there is someone who figured out how to make a scroll on the right of my page that I can click on to move the page around.
I know, it's lame, but I'm easily amused.
Posted by piep0058 at 04:03 PM | Comments (2) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
February 16, 2005
I'm filled with anticipation
In the sacrastic sense of course. Personally I am trying to stall time so much right now it's not even funny.
HOMEWORK HOMEWORK HOMEWORK!!! KING AND I KING AND I KING AND I!!!
Thus describes my situation right now. Gotta get my work done so I can go out tonight after the staff meeting for 2for1s at the King and I. Or at least that's what Jason Helm says... he better not be lying. And if he is, oh well, it's been a while since I've been out.
For some reason I've been thinking a lot of where I want to live when I "grow up." I've ruled out many possibilities. A suburban area that is miles away from an urban center is definitely out. So what's in? Well, I have mixed feelings about a place like the Carlyle. It's nice, but would I want to be confined to an apartment? A loft sounds like a better idea, such as these ones. I find these to be much more attractive than even the most luxurious apartment.
And what about a house that's say, within two or three miles of downtown? The Lake of the Isles neighborhood (assuming I can afford it) is really attractive. And it's not like I'd be some lame suburbanite like my mom or dad. I just couldn't let that happen to myself.
Posted by piep0058 at 05:15 PM | Comments (4) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
February 07, 2005
Romance is Dead
I know this might be obvious to others, but I guess I was holding out hope that the inexplainable feelings of love truly exist. I just don't understand how they are supposed to work nowadays. Am I getting too old? The minute I think of getting excited about a relationship I stop myself and downplay it to the point of where I am so emotionally blase' about everything.
I don't know what my problem is. Stuff like this happens all the time. You'd think I'd have learned by now.
Maybe I'm just going insane right now because it's 2:30 and sleep is no where in sight. I swear I thought my bottle of Dr. Pepper was an anaconda. This scared me so much I fell out of my chair. A snake in my room? Please...
Posted by piep0058 at 02:26 AM | Comments (4) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
February 06, 2005
The Best Latte Ever (or at least a long time)
I decided that before I started my homework today, I should get a latte. And I went to the coffee shop closest to my new house, which is actually about a mile away in St. Anthony Park. I really didn't expect such a great latte, but oh my god, the latte from the Dunn Bros. next to the Finnish Bistro (formerly Taste of Scandinavia) right at Como and Carter was delicious! It was so good it made my dick go hard.
Too bad there isn't anywhere closer to the house. I think that's something the Como neighborhood is lacking. Yes, there are two very classy bars right at 24th and Como by the railroad tracks, and there is of course the Playground Nightclub right at Como and 280...but I'm going to pull the pretentious card out and claim I'm too good for those.
I wonder if a bakery in that area would be profitable. Like, it can be an early morning snack place, and also a late night coffee house. Maybe something next to Joe's Market? I think it'd be a good investment just because I would love a cute cafe or something that I could walk to in five minutes, or bike in a few minutes. I could play my eclectic style of music and have nice artwork and I could use my Caribou Coffee skills to make it happen.
Posted by piep0058 at 03:30 PM | Comments (5) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
January 23, 2005
Telling Myself No
It's hard to realize things that aren't apparent; many people have trouble solving this issue. Many messages from people come in disguises. Their body language, word choices, etc. are what they're really saying.
If it were that easy, I think people would be just fine and dandy with solving this issue. But what complicates it, though, at least for me, is wanting to hear what I want. And especially if it's something that is so incredibly desirable, it's hard to shake this feeling.
People say the word "no" in many ways. It's not always as apparent as a mother scolding a child when he gets into the cookies. And especially if people are being polite, the word "no" can be extremely difficult to discern.
Right now I feel the need to tell myself "no." And it's hard.
Posted by piep0058 at 02:34 PM | Comments (7) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
January 05, 2005
The Scariest Thing
I just realized something. For some reason I had the urge to watch Clash of the Titans. You know, the greek mythology movie with Harry Hamlin, Lawerence Olivier and some other people...
The point is, these pictures were the scariest thing for me when I was growing up.
And now look at them. They are almost funny! What's up with that? I had to close my eyes when Medusa came out I was that scared. And now it doesn't even seem real to me. Oh well, it will still be my favorite childhood movie. That and Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
Posted by piep0058 at 12:02 AM | Comments (1) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
January 02, 2005
My Mental Issues...
Hurray for more online quizzes. This one attempts to suggest a diagnosis for my mental state. Of course, as it points out, only a real psychologist could diagnose anyone...but it's still fun to see what my "issues" are.
| Disorder | Rating |
| Paranoid: | Low |
| Schizoid: | Moderate |
| Schizotypal: | High |
| Antisocial: | Low |
| Borderline: | Low |
| Histrionic: | Low |
| Narcissistic: | Low |
| Avoidant: | Low |
| Dependent: | Low |
| Obsessive-Compulsive: | Moderate |
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- | |
Posted by piep0058 at 01:01 AM | Comments (1) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
December 30, 2004
Death
So I decided to visit my grandfather in the hospital today. He's doing allright, he's going in so they can adjust his pacemaker. He's gonna get a whole new one actually. At first I felt that it's kinda sad because I see it going to be the end of him. But then after reading the paper while they [my dad and him] talked about football or whatever I realized that I'm really not saddened by all of this.
I mean, yeah, it'll be sad not to see my grandfather. But death is a part of evolution. From the moment we are born we are in the process of dying. We are designed to live and to die.
So what makes life all worth it. I mean...people always talk about the meaning of life and blah blah blah.
One meaning, and this isn't the only meaning I can come up with, but it's the one I'll choose to explore right now, is that life is the fight against entropy. The second law of thermodynamics states that the entropy of the universe may never decrease for any process. However, for a given system (such as a living cell), the entropy of that cell is decreasing. There is so much order that goes into maintaining a cell. The reason life exists is because of maintaining this order through the use of lipids in cell membranes and protein synthesis, etc. I've been in biomolecular engineering too long...
I am not implying whatsoever that this discourse should govern the choices we make in society. However, if one wants to look at life and see something, one could see it as a process to lessen the disorder of the world we live in (and make the universe more cluttered).
So if you want to feel accomplished in the world before you die, go clean up your room. Or build a really really tall skyscraper (which happens to be my dream, with my name on the top of it!). Or, you know, just inspire happiness in the lives of others and you've done a good job. Because we all know how much happy people like to clean and organize things.
Posted by piep0058 at 10:08 PM | Comments (0) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
December 03, 2004
Poetry
Time to spill some emotion...not that I really have any emotion to spill...but this is my fantasy, allright? And so, in my blogging tradition...here are some haikus that might describe where normal prose fails:
ringing and ringing
people are in need of help
who's able, answers
darkness sweeps the ground
we walk into it blindly
it clutches our hearts
we try to break free
but when no one else answers
darkness is comfort
it lasts for a while
the feeling that someone cares
one finds happiness
but it proves short lived
because darkness causes pain
despite its comfort
weakness of my mind
the challenge to solve problems
the limit of time
it all overwhelms
makes simple tasks into chores
from clear to opaque
Posted by piep0058 at 09:49 PM | Comments (1) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
November 14, 2004
More Retrospect
For some reason I can't stop thinking about Europe lately. I don't know how to explain it; like, the feeling I got when I looked up on my first night in Berlin and saw the Fernsehturm glowing while I was wet and cold in July! I shouldn't have to wear a coat in July no matter where I am. It was 30 something degrees and raining and all i had on was this little gay shirt that had a diagonal zipper going down the collar, with some "european" [a.k.a. tight] jeans. It was sad. And I was lost in East Berlin with only Russel to guide me. After a few nights of wandering the city, though, I knew it so well.
I've decided I will never be happy living in America. Europe will always be that fantastic venue to wander and explore. It was so easy to disappear there, bascially become whatever I wanted, go wherever I wanted. The United States might be the land of the free...but it costs money to go places! In Europe I could get around so much easier. No car, no home, nothing but a backpack. However, I've suddenly become facinated with the idea of going to Canada (this has nothing to do with the recent election). But rather more with the cuteness of the Atlantic Canadian provinces (like Nova Scotia, New Brunswick, Prince Edward Island, and Quebec). Just thinking of traveling to Canada has me all giddy. It'd be like a trek into Europe, without actually shelling out a ton of money to go there. Seriously, Toronto sometime soon. Cities with large phallic objects must be a lot of fun.
Posted by piep0058 at 08:23 PM | Comments (3) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
November 13, 2004
Some Memories
It's been 500 days since I left Germany.
I was talking with some residents about really tall buildings when, for some reason, I started talking about the Fernsehturm in Berlin. I don't know what it is about that wierd looking tower that I found so appealing. It's tall for Europe (obviously). I mean, people there for some reason are not in love with the huge HUGE buildings like they are in North America and East Asia. Even though I loved Potsdamer Platz, it apparently isn't all that great in the eyes of the people of Berlin. They don't want another Chicago or another New York. Berlin is Berlin, and if anyone tries to make it something it's not, no one handles it very well.
I think in the future more Germans will appreciate Potsdamer Platz, but as of yet, it's still seen as somehow destroying German heritage. I say just let Love Parade suck it. haha...I love Love Parade. Anyone thinking Berlin, Summer 2006?
Posted by piep0058 at 02:15 PM | Comments (0) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
November 12, 2004
Awww...Vermont!
Since I like to look at pretty pictures, here are some ones that I like from Vermont. I've always had a facination with the state, something about "Green Mountains" has always appealed to me, maybe it reminds me of home, but I like to think that the people of Vermont are more aware of the world than those in the Ozarks. I really don't think that I would ever have to worry about any hate crimes going on Vermont, whereas people can be really ignorant in the Ozarks. It's like they are in their own isolated country there. Many do not leave the area.
Burlington would be a cool place to live, I guess
Posted by piep0058 at 01:15 PM | Comments (3) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
October 27, 2004
The Antidote
So yeah -- sometimes you just have to suck up the fact that you're a bitch. Just deal with it. And I have dealt plenty today. If you couldn't tell I was in a real shitty mood.
But I'm feeling a lot better now. How did I do it? It definitely wasn't by listening to Interpol and Sigur Ros. Somehow playing volleyball with the pasta bar crowd actually made me feel better. or it could have been induced by my freezing feet. man was that sand cold. maybe i was letting my stress out on the ball.
I hate being trite, but i'm going to do this anyways. it felt like i had a place in the world. i felt like i mattered to people. yay.
but what really did it for me was talking to my residents. they cheer me up. even the republican ones. just the fact that they'll stop by and talk to me. it makes me feel good somehow. or the fact that rob (while drunk, with a pizza, and running into a wall) offered to help me carve the pumpkin. classic moments. adam, mitch, john, rob, ryan, dylan, tony -- they all crack me up.
the chocolate I bought is also making me more cheery. i almost feel back to normal.
The nicest people are also the craziest ones. Watch out for those normal ones.
Posted by piep0058 at 11:31 PM | Comments (2) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
My patience is wearing thin
Perhaps I am changing...but it's getting harder and harder to keep smiling. sometimes I just want to cry and cry and cry. but then i remind myself that it wouldn't accomplish anything (except getting a wet pillow).
i'm not depressed, i've been through that before. this is something different; something i haven't experienced for almost a year and a half. perhaps my emotions are just out of whack or something. or i am just prepetually being let down. i just want so much expression from people, and it's so hard when you get nothing.
but that is not to say i am always being let down. there are so many things to make myself feel good...they just get blocked by the bad things. le sigh. i'll be all right, i know it. i already feel better. deep down things are allright, it's just this inner shell that feels damaged.
Posted by piep0058 at 02:34 PM | Comments (0) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
October 25, 2004
campfire mochas!
so i decided to get a campfire mocha at caribou coffee today and it is absolutely delicious! you all should try one. the weather was beautiful today, walking around. i had shorts and sandals on...yup, i was one of those crazy people.
since the weather was so great today. and i was just in such a great mood, here are some haikus:
real world on tuesday
spoiled brats are annoying
get over it please!
i wanna watch it
stupid boys will watch baseball
i just watch reruns
overflowing work
piles up on my dirty floor
i start with laundry.
Posted by piep0058 at 07:34 PM | Comments (0) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
October 12, 2004
Sigur Ros time
well, i haven't been in the best of spirits today. i need sleep. it drives me nuts sometimes when i can't get any.
and i've been listening to a high quotient of sigur ros lately. i don't know what it is. some of it is motivating. i guess that's what i need right now.
songs playing: Luvstory, Ny Baterri, Staralfur, Hun Jord, Flugufrelsarinn, Viorar vel til Loftarasa, and so forth. Check 'em out if you are so bold. They might make you want to learn Icelandic. I know i want to go there.
Some haikus:
My heavy eyelids
hold the weight of the planet
Insomnia! Why!!!
My senses are slow
My body is deprived of
Energy to live
Must function though
Need to find motivation
Emerges from within.
Posted by piep0058 at 12:52 AM | Comments (1) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
October 07, 2004
Why Blog?
I'm going to reassess my reasons for keeping this blog.
If you look back to my first entry, I stated my goal was to record my thoughts at a particular time in my life so that I could look back and see how stupid I was. I've tried to document key events that have affected me and how I have reacted to them.
I was surprised to know that this was actually a project created by Shane Nackerud. I never really thought of this being a test prject or something; it just seemed like something that has always been here--I felt I was a late-comer. And I got mentioned on the blogs that he wanted to thank for taking the idea and running with it. I have to say I have made a lot of entries dealing with my life and talking about the way that I see things (or how I would like to see things). And sometimes I just have the most random musings to talk about that it just makes me look crazy. I know I post like everyday (or nearly everyday) to talk about whatever happened or whatever is occupying my thought for the day--and a lot of time I am procrastinating (like now). But I think I'm really benefitting from this. I get to talk about my thoughts and hear other's opinions. It shows me where I've come from and might indicate where I'm going. It's like my own little history book in the making.
Right now I'm in a very relaxed mood (even though I have homework to do...and I really wanna go out to Grandma's for Ben's birthday!) So I better get a-crackin' at that. A lot of the stress has been eliminated in my life! Perhaps more comments on that later.
Posted by piep0058 at 08:19 PM | Comments (3) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
October 05, 2004
Feeling Better
In case you have wondered about me lately, I hadn't been in the best mood. I mean, I just had a test where I didn't do so hot. Homework for all of my classes is always difficult. I'm scrounging to the last minute to complete things. But things are getting done, somehow. I just finished some bulletin boards that have been bare for about a week now. I'm gonna finish my biomolecular homework tomorrow. Transport homework will be finished on time. I will get the root beer keg for the alcohol event. My residents are actually social. Everyone is getting along great...except for that one guy that always wears the vikings sweater...i should talk to him i guess, make sure he's doing ok...but he doesn't say hi. maybe he feels like he doesn't fit in...he shouldn't be a republican then...i think he doesn't like me because i'm a homo (he probably doesn't even know).
Anyhow, I'm feeling like I have things under control a lot more now. and that's a good thing. I certainly don't need someone disrupting that. And thank god it's not happening anymore. The barrier is gone!
Posted by piep0058 at 12:29 AM | Comments (2) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
October 03, 2004
Martin Luther King Time
ok so i had a dream while i was taking a nap. it was so pleasant i decided i'd share it.
i've been stuck in here for the entire weekend so far. it's really not the most pleasant thing to be here for so long. but oh well. here goes.
i imagined myself living on some farm (well, at least a country house), riding horses and looking at mountains or fjords. the air was so still and quiet. the only noise around was from the wind blowing in the grassy fields. it was slightly cool, like today's weather. clear skies, very blue. the horse i was riding was like gandalf's white horse in Lord of the Rings (as if there is another gandalf). i could see for miles in every direction. life could be so simple living here...but there was one thing very unsettling about it all. it was just me. but i guess that was ok for me.
but it's not ok. i know that.
oh well, it was definitely the vacation i needed after being here for so long. i want to sleep again. but i can't because i have to do 1 a.m. rounds.
Posted by piep0058 at 12:46 AM | Comments (9) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
September 26, 2004
Poetry Corner
Well, Sunday afternoon.
Feeling kinda melancholy, as usual, so I'm gonna write some haikus.
valleys of pain pierce
savage vermillion erupts
deep black emerges
ball point pens destroy
the will of men to survive
endless assignments
the rising sun comes
but is covered in darkness
of shadows of wrath.
Ok, it's nap time. And homework time. And front desk time. And latte with amaretto time.
Posted by piep0058 at 06:58 PM | Comments (3) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
September 23, 2004
21 21 21 21 21 21 21 21 21 21 21 21 21 21
the day has finally come...some might think of this as the end of my childhood. well boo hoo so sad. it's only the beginning. there is so much more out there for me now. so much more to see and experience. i've never been one to get wasted. but now i can enjoy new atmospheres, meet new people, and taste new things. my restaurant review is now going to take off now! (i had put it on hold until i was 21).
next stop: renting a car when i'm 25.
Posted by piep0058 at 09:49 PM | Comments (7) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
September 22, 2004
Scissor Sisters
i just realized something: "Jake Shears" from the band, Scissors Sisters, is REALLY HOT!
This is the proof. Look at the guy in the middle. Or how about this picture? This one?
Now, some of the songs just don't appeal to me. But some are pretty good. I know Brett loves them. They are just ok. But woudn't it be awesome if he and I dated!
Posted by piep0058 at 07:50 PM | Comments (6) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
September 19, 2004
i don't know how i, feel like i don't know, how i feel...
so i just got off work...and i hate it!!! i'm so upset right now it's unbelievable. well i'm not sad, really, just in a spiteful mood. i'm feeling very bitter right now. and i have of ton of homework to do.
but alas, that will have to wait. because i need to run. and eat.
Posted by piep0058 at 08:14 PM | Comments (1) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
September 14, 2004
what's this all-american bullshit?
Your Real World Type: The All-American Guy
Your Official Real World Bio:
Handsome and charming, Joey is the perfect picture of an all-American guy...who just happens to be bisexual. Hailing from Minneapolis, MN, Joey seems to attract the attention of everyone when he walks in to a room. Aside from his great body, his natural charisma seems to have girls and guys flocking to him no matter where he goes. Joey makes friends easily and usually acts as the peacemaker in his circle of friends and family. He's far from just another handsome face--Joey is a man of integrity, intelligence and complexity.
Paris Cast Member Most Likely to Identify With: Ace
Paris Cast Member Most Likely to Hook Up With: Leah or Simon
Paris Cast Member Most Likely to Fight With: CT
I just thought i was so anti-american too. so much for being an ex-patriot.
Posted by piep0058 at 10:22 PM | Comments (3) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
September 10, 2004
complex or just flat out crazy?
yay! it's friday, i'm so excited. i can't wait until i'm done with classes. my fridays are so much fun. the weekend for me basically starts on thursday at 2 p.m.
so i was inspired by something today. perhaps i am just complex. not psycho as i had originally thought. so what about everyone else?
well. some people have somehow passed by and accepted things that i haven't. i notice people do the strangest things. they get excited at professional sports games. they hate or incite hateful language at other people because others before them have. they buy into the false promises of orgainzed religion. they think we should support the president. they have dreams of what other people tell them they should want.
i don't get it.
Posted by piep0058 at 12:30 PM | Comments (6) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
September 09, 2004
San Diego? fuck that...
You're The Real World San Diego
Who's up for going out tonight? When this question is proposed, you volunteer faster than you can say "Boom! Bazooka Joe!" You're definitely not the serious type, and you tend not to like responsibility--especially if it gets in the way of having good, old-fashioned fun. You probably ditch your job frequently and come up with brilliant "excuses" for why you can't work (falling into the water, anyone?) Sure, you might fight with your roommates, but for the most part, you're all about showing the love and having a blast. You're definitely not too punk rock for this!
Posted by piep0058 at 09:17 PM | Comments (8) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
I'm going insane
actually i have already. recent events suggest that i've been like this my whole life.
i've said this before, but i'll say it again: i'm not the crazy one! everyone else is crazy in this world and i'm the only sane one.
you know what, they should put lame jokes on the wrappers of these laffy taffee wannabe sweet tarts. i feel so cheated that some 4 year old from nebraska's joke is not on there.
so i'm going to make up my own (actually i stole this somewhere):
why is my tea better than yours?
because it's all my tea! (cough almighty cough)
ok not that funny.
and i'm not going to the saloon tonight. not for at least 2 weeks (and probably not in 2 weeks, but sometime after that).
Posted by piep0058 at 08:21 PM | Comments (2) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
July 21, 2004
time for a party
ok, now, if you look back to previous entries made about 3 weeks ago at the beginning of july, you would notice that i was being all dramatic and making no sense whatsoever.
well, my life is not ruined, so there's no reason to worry anymore! woo hoo! so unfortunately i did not get the opportunity to update yesterday, that was because i had to work from 10 a.m. to 12 a.m. at loring and then the kitty cat klub. it was a good night. i'm feeling so generous right now, which is a big change from my bitchy self that you might encounter. oh yeah, "bitchy" hehe (inside joke). i'm laughing right now and you probably have no clue why.
so before i go on i should apologize to snackeru (i think it's shane nackerud). he prolly has no idea i was out to get him. but i read some of his earlier entries on "greet machine" and although he's obsessed with dumb things (such as professional sports) i must say i really liked what he had to say about obsessed religious people talking about homosexuality. he's a good guy. and i was really only upset at him because i'm trying to move up from #4 on the most entries list and he updates his blog religiously. but anyhow, he's on my good side (like i will ever meet him!) but if any of you want to read about minnesota sports, politics, life, etc. he has a good head on his shoulders and knows what he's talking about.
if i could put a link to his blog i would, but i'm at the computers in coffman and they don't have that nice "URL" button and i don't know what the command is to type that "a href..." blah blah blah. but right now he's #3 on the most entries list.
anyways, i gotta go take care of some business.
Posted by piep0058 at 10:32 AM | Comments (3) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
July 18, 2004
still no internet
seriously, i'm going into withdrawl. i need to talk on instant messenger. i can't wait until august 19th to talk on the internet.
the burlesque show was ok i guess. but i don't like having to stay so late at the pasta bar...maybe if i were 21 and could drink (66 days!!!). and just 32 days left to live in my crappy dinkytown apartment.
and i want it to snow so bad. i'm so sick of all the heat.
Posted by piep0058 at 01:41 AM | Comments (4) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
July 12, 2004
from the depths of hell
oh my god finally i'm back from the vacation from hell. well partly. still in st. louis, which is ok. but at least i'm not in the ozarks. whew. seriously in need of a latte.
every time i come back to st. louis it just gets worse and worse. it's sad, but true. i'm not coming back until december. people piss me off too much. there's so much in the world that is wrong and it pains me too much that i can't fix it all.
but that aside for now, it's time to go out for my sister sarah's birthday. woo woo! more in depth reporting later.
Posted by piep0058 at 07:11 PM | Comments (0) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
July 08, 2004
red bull and scooby snacks?
ok so maybe these aren't a good diet. but they were my diet on the trip down to st. louis from minneapolis. thus i was stuck out in the middle of queeny park with beau the dog and a serious case of the runs.
no, i didn't poop in the middle of the woods. i held it in as much as i could and rushed home. i feel better now. ahhhhhh.
gosh i'm so bored. wish neel or jimmy or someone would call me. i feel like going out for ice cream. oink oink. ted drewes. i hope someone calls me. it's so boring to go out with my sister.
Posted by piep0058 at 07:40 PM | Comments (0) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
July 07, 2004
some poetry
it is sometimes know that extreme emotions can inspire people. well right now i have an extreme emotion. so i'm going to write some haikus.
lusting after boys
killing time with a cold heart
i sit here waiting
vacation is near
desperate for time to relax
i jump off the cliff
faster as i plunge
into the glassy water
pain leaves the body
ok, so i leave for missouri today. fun. i said "fun" in a sarcastic way.
fuck you.
Posted by piep0058 at 12:11 AM | Comments (0) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
July 05, 2004
woah! death time!
so while i was working someone bled to death next to my car at the mall of america. and it was over a stupid parking space. how silly. people have no patience.
so it was my last day at caribou until after vacation! woo woo! i'm gonna miss caribou though, i wish we had it in missouri.
and i'm tired. so very tired. and i work tomorrow 10 a.m. to 2 a.m.
i will talk about something philisopical later. i am spent.
Posted by piep0058 at 10:26 PM | Comments (5) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
July 04, 2004
time for a rant? why not
ok so i was talking to the sexy and talented ben hecker at Loring today, and he said something about my stupid blog and if i had written anything about the Loring Pasta Bar. I told him that all i had written about was the Kelly Cupell incident.
well, here i am going to talk about the Loring Pasta Bar:
now, it's like the nicest restaurant near campus. if you want to go on a fancy date without driving anywhere...go to the loring pasta bar. it's fancy, not expensive, and is quite the "experience" when you go to the bathroom. the food is pretty good too. and i like everyone that works there.
but is there anything that i think needs improving? well the whole requesting off shifts. i am seriously biting my nails trying to find someone to work for me. it'd be good if i could just request off and have someone else say to someone: YOU HAVE TO WORK FOR JOEY! but that might be unfair if someone said that to me...i mean, we all have our own lives and schedules.
another thing i REALLY want to bitch about is our policy of taking reservations. the old way fine! people came in, they either were seated right away or they had to wait just a little bit. no big deal. now we have to have EVERYONE in at like 5 oclock to get ready. which makes no sense. because they just sit around there and do nothing. taking reservations for 4 people is silly. there's no point. there's always plenty of space. 5 is pushing it. now, taking a reservation for a party of 7 or more would make sense. and 7 is a cute number, isn't it?
the point is, we have huge restaurant so reservations aren't necessary. and then people want their pick of a table (where i just double sat someone) and they complain about why it takes so long to get service.
i have no problem if people want their choice of table. but not when it's super busy. and i have no problem if 4 people want a booth. but not on the main floor. and not in between 5 and 9 at night. seriously they need to know they can't take up too much space otherwise we don't have room for the larger parties.
the verdict: we should abolish the whole reservation system. or severely amend it. this way, we don't need to have the skybar come in until later. or the b-mez.
how i think we should do it:
ok, you can take reservations anytime, but only for parties of 5 or more on weekdays and 7 or more on weekend nights.
Posted by piep0058 at 02:23 AM | Comments (11) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
June 28, 2004
a sad day in uptown...
ok so let me catch up on things that have been going on:
so i actually did get to ride the light rail thingy, but not that much because it was late on saturday night. i wish it would go faster in downtown. who cares! run over people! it'd be nice to hit a homeless person with a baby carriage full of aluminum cans. but i'm gonna ride it with brett later tonight and experience the WHOLE trip over to ft. snelling.
so i saw fahrenheit 9/11 yesterday night...yeah...ummm, it was very thought provoking. ok, now everyone should go see it. but is michael moore really telling the truth? i'm not talking about the things on camera, if they're true or not (but he did say saddam has never attacked any american...but he did attack us in the gulf war; well after we got involved...it wasn't directly towards us). But he does put his lens through his bias. It's like the real world, sort of. they only see a few hours of "reality." we all know michael moore isn't telling the whole story. but he is telling a story, and it's a story that's good enough for a discussion. And i guess it would be nice if the bush administration (although they're not obligated) to respond to the documentary's accusations...because they seem to be valid in my mind.
perhaps i'll talk with my parents about it.
and oh. i'm not going to visit saudi arabia anytime soon. israel is my limit. maybe lebanon, but nowhere else in the middle east.
Posted by piep0058 at 06:02 PM | Comments (0) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
June 03, 2004
this will be a long day
ok so i got up at 4:45 a.m. today and oh my god i don't think i've ever been up so early in my life. well i have, actually, but it's been a long time. but this means i have a lot of time in the morning to basically do nothing. i'm goign to get a membership at the rec! but i'll do that tomorrow...no rush, no rush. i'l just do laundry and go to the bank. cuz i got money! yay!
hanging out with clay has been fun. true, he is a little odd with his medications, but we really seem to click. too bad he is coupled with andrew. but that's ok, soon enough...and if chris is around more often perhaps i will talk to him more. i hope he's down to earth and stuff...it's so sad when guys constantly try to impress the world. i mean, having a good image is one thing...but you can't worry too much about what others think. well at least i don't worry too much about what others think. well i do to a point. but i don't live by other's standards.
so...what to contemplate today...i have plenty of time before i have to drive all the way to the mall of america...seriously this place really is starting to scare me...
oh yeah, a few entries back i stated that interacting with large groups of people makes me uneasy. why is that? oh i should clarify. i mean at large parties. i don't have a problem with talking to people in large groups, but actually engaging in a conversation.
but the thing is, you don't say anything productive at these parties. i hate talking small stuff, and usually people are too dumb (especially while drinking beer) to really enhance my mind so i can learn something new or find a different point of view. and talking small stuff is ok if you are actually interested in sex with this person. but we all know the parties i go to, those nasty straight boy parties where all they want to do is to liquor up some not so attractive girl so she'll lift up her skirt. and even if i were at a party with a bunch of homos, i probably would not be interested in sex. and if i were to chat small talk with them i would probably think them to be stupid and i would move on. i mean, really, who fucking cares what happens to any professional sports team? you're not on the team are you?
i guess i should reiterate. it's not that i hate going to parties, it's just that it's so rare that i actually meet someone worth talking to more.
Posted by piep0058 at 09:50 AM | Comments (7) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
May 28, 2004
vacation...
so this is what my parents bought: our second home
it'd be nice if i could actually go see the place in person, rather than just hear about it in person. this would require getting the time off from working constantly. no joke, i work EVERY night. i hope i don't become old and bitter that i never get to have any fun. but it's ok. i can still have fun. or can i!!!
so this weekend i'm going to see the day after tomorrow with ken. this will be the highlight of my weekend! for real! i'm kinda excited to see this movie. i mean, it's not everyday that you get to run through the streets to save your life. it's prolly going to be a cheezy romantic subplot, but that's ok, they should make up for it with the mass killings.
i'm also looking forward to this one "SAVED!" movie that's coming out soon. krissy said she wanted to see it with me, but i think i'm going to ditch her. she will have to see it with my "saved" super christian cousins or something. muahahaha.
then i get to go to work. that will be, as tony says, the time of my life.
then it's onto some hi-class party -- i'm confused about it. more details later. believe me, i will write another essay about my experience there. this is the first time i'm going to some social event in a long time. we'll see how well "the observer" can interact with other people.
i say observer because someone asked me about being one. and i think he might be right. i've always appreciated not involving myself in social contact and rather watching it from the side; like having my own peanut gallery. interacting with large groups of people makes me upset at times because...hmmm, more thoughts on this later.
oh, i finally bought groceries. now i can enjoy the nutritiousness of oatmeal and peanut butter and jelly on wheat bread and eggs and canned pineapple and orange juice. and don't forget my tea! i remebered why i didn't want to buy any groceries before: my refridgerator looked like this.
Posted by piep0058 at 02:05 AM | Comments (18) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
May 26, 2004
waking up alone?
is sleeping with someone else really something to be desired? i havent' done it for a while, but i know it's not that special. it is a lot of fun, i will admit.
today i'm beginning an experiment. i'm drinking green tea again. let's hope this makes me more at peace and smarter and blah blah blah.
i want to cook, why am i stalling? that is a big question which i can't really answer...perhaps tonight i will understand.
Posted by piep0058 at 12:21 PM | Comments (0) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
May 25, 2004
the cure?
so lately i've found a newfound interest in the cure. they're really good. so i hope my roommates will appreciate me cleaning up THEIR kitchen today. it's such a mess, how could anyone let things ever get so dirty. it's ridiculous.
but whatever, i don't mind, i just want things to be clean.
Posted by piep0058 at 02:14 PM | Comments (0) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
May 19, 2004
if i could put an angry face in here, i would...
oh my god i'm so fucking angry right now. well no, not really, i'm just a lil' flustered. if i would have been able to move in last night i would not have goten a parking ticket. oh yes, i got a parking ticket. i'm just going to pay the 33 dollars and get it done with. i could contest, but that would require caring too much, and apathy has set in already. i really just want to move in, is that so much to ask, i mean, these girls are crazy, and i'm getting sick of living so far away from my car. sad. really sad.
and my poor cell phone, it's dead, so i had to search through my car to find my charger (i have a car charger, but i don't feel like wearing down my car's battery).
so it's like i just went on a really nice date and wasn't able to experience any of it. oh well, i will survive. but i have to beg the question: was my car really messing up any system. on the ticket it said i was 6 ft. into a no parking zone. was this really a problem? i'm just going to accept it and pay it.
it's like legalizing gay marriage. is this really going to change anything? i think it's kinda funny that gay people can get married in massachusetts now. it hasn't really registered in my mind. i don't really even care. but i know other people do care, so good for them. in the meantime i'll be working 4 jobs to make ends meet. perhaps i might have more to say about this once i get over getting a parking ticket.
here are some haikus inspired by my rage right now:
sure it's a nice smile.
deep down there is a furnace.
soon it will cool off.
these girls are crazy.
i wish i could move in now.
EMILY! ERIN!
the mall is so big.
america would be proud.
e'erthing looks the same.
caribou's boring,
my life is sinking away.
hope it gets better.
Posted by piep0058 at 02:47 PM | Comments (0) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
May 18, 2004
move-in day, supposedly
ok so today is the day i'm supposed to move into my ghetto-fabulous house. yay, i'm going to have a blast. i just want the person to move out and call me!!! i think i might stop at noodles to get some food, even though i know i have food at brett's apartment. why did i just say that? i don't know.
but it'll be cool to finally have to stop relying on brett to get into a place to live. it's like, he has to come let me in everytime i want to be let in. which isn't the most pleasant thing. i know it's not a big deal at all, he doesn't care, but i mean, it's like EVERY time.
i am suffering from online withdrawl. i seriously need to get back to talking online or something. either that or go out with someone.
i got pretty drunk last night. it was fun, i hadn't been drunk in a long time. i had probably one full bottle of wine overall (well maybe a little less). but everyone was awesome that i met. i met this one cute boy from duluth (i think, he had these duluth shirts on whenever i saw him). his name is jesse, and he's really good a volleyball--he took the 8 a.m. class right before me. i always thought he was cute, but i didn't consider him to be a homo. i mean, i wasn't surprised to see that he was a homo, he just didn't give me any absolute signals, so i had no reason to suspect that he could be so open with sexuality.
hey would be fun to date, perhaps. i wonder if "brent's buddy" is more than just a buddy. i'm sure he is--well it seems every hot tall student that i know has a boyfriend or refuses to consider dating a boy (i.e. "straight") anyhow brent and i might never meet. so no use barking up that tree.
i'm not like this in real life, i can have fun just fine. but--it's just a pressing issue. i was so used to having fun being so intimate with someone....nevermind i'll stop. i'm in no rush. i just have to convince myself of that.
and oh my god i'm so hungry--time to go to noodles or something!
Posted by piep0058 at 01:21 PM | Comments (0) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
May 15, 2004
more "it's over!"
allright so in case you might have been wondering--i'm leaving nick behind. i'm through determining what his emotions are. if he wants me, come and get me, but i'm not waiting. before i was willing to wait. but i don't feel like it anymore, it doesn't make any sense, even if he was a really cool guy, there are other really cool guys out there. i know a lot of them. i also know a lot of really not cool guys out there.
needless to say now, i'm putting myself out on the market again! but oh no, this aint "shop 'n save" --i'm going high class here. i'm referring to straub's. yup, i'm putting myself up for sale at straub's, the high class market.
who knows when someone else will come along that i will feel like sharing the "not alone" feeling with. i should investigate this feeling more...i'm so sick of using quotes to describe this feeling.
let me sleep on it--am i alone with this feeling?
Posted by piep0058 at 01:14 AM | Comments (0) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
May 14, 2004
it's over!
well, my sophomore year at college is officially over, and now it's time to reflect on the past year:
good experiences:
dating cathal, dating mike, finding a job and an apartment.
bad experiences:
cathal moving back to ireland, breaking up with mike, christmas.
experiences that made me grow (academically):
honors organic lab, gay men and homophobia.
experiences that made me grow (emotionally):
the 3some with chad and aaron, meeting cathal, struggling with mike, meeting nick.
most memorable moment of the year:
getting in a fight with a fucking drunk and annoying fatass at the 90s.
what i regret the most (not that i ever have any regrets at all, but if i could do something differently...) :
not reconciling with andrew glazebrook.
well, i'm movin to dinkytown! i'm so excited, aren't you?
i'm sure it will be a blast! i can't wait for all the countless hours talking online! oh my god my life is so sad--wait no it's not, i'm going to work out with aaron quick (and maybe brad so that i might eventually look like this.
allright, time to get my stupid black shirt for caribou ( i start on monday )
Posted by piep0058 at 03:55 PM | Comments (4) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
May 13, 2004
emptiness fills me
ok so dan's moved out...kinda sad. and i have to move out too. that's pretty sad too. i don't know, things have to change, and things were great the way they were. but i'm on to bigger and better things. yay! dinkytown here i come!
so i talked to nick today--there seems to be a problem with our messengers, because he can't get the messages i send him. i hope he was just joking when he thought i was ignoring him, cuz i wasn't, we just can't receive each other's messages...
and why do i let myself become to enticed by talking to him? i don't know, i'm just tired of waiting. i wish he knew how much i am interested in him. i think he does and it scares him sometimes. but sometimes i don't think he even knows i get excited when i talk to him. there's something wrong with his phone too...is this a common problem? whatever, if he's working tomorrow night, i'll hopefully catch him working. but if not i'll just go find a black shirt for me to wear to caribou.
and i don't want just any black shirt--i want one that's actually fashionable! There are a lot of ugly back shirts out there--i want one that's actually sexy in some form. and doesn't cost too much. well, either a blach shirt or a white shirt--caribou let's me decide on that at least.
and now--it's on the p-chem (among other things, like cleaning up my room) because i have a final tomorrow at 1:30! oh my god! it's my last one! i'm like freakin out!
ugh--that empty feeling is coming back
Posted by piep0058 at 05:21 PM | Comments (0) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
May 09, 2004
my thoughts on emotions
ok so right now in mikes profile it says that maybe he's cursed or it's probably just him. how do i respond to this? well it makes me feel sad, i mean, nick and i aren't really dating now and it's not like we had any intention of dating while mike and i were still together. i mean i would like to date nick...but i'm not forcing anything, he needs to know what's going to make him happy. (and actually talk to me too!)
and, to top it off, it's not like i said "i'm not gay anymore" after i dated mike. and i think it's mean to compare myself to arthur. but whatever, i know mike will find the happiness he wants, soon, he will forget about me. and i hope i'm not lumped into a huge category of suppressed memories, but we can't always get what we want, can we?
that being said, now it's on the more philosophical issues. like emotions in general; here's my analysis of why mike (as do many others) feels the way he does: people desire what they see. it's been engraved into everyone's mind that people are supposed to be with someone, whether it be homo- or heterosexual. that's what almost every romance is about--someone always ends up paired up in the end with someone. 2 exceptions are Along Came Polly and the Rules of Attraction. the former, ben stiller and jennifer aniston are basically just "hanging out" in the end. but they're happy, without a declared commitment. the the latter movie, all three characters are alone in the end, but is that so sad? no.
so why isn't it so sad, i mean, they all could have had something really rewarding. well i believe the answer lies in what they view to be happiness. i know i can handle living alone for a certain time. i mean, i won't be alone my whole life will i? why should being alone for a few days or weeks or months or years mean so much? i know there is someone out there that is right for me. but until then i'm not going to be sad because i'm not with that person. because life is too short to be sad about what might have been. it's too short to try to hold on to things that don't exist or to things that hurt you. well my life is too short at least.
by the way, don't read anything i say as absolute, this is just how i'm feeling now.
i've always believed happiness is best attained in finding the beauty in the simplest things in life. there's always so much around you, how can you ever feel sad? it happens when you become blind to such beauty, when your constructions in life have clouded your sight to view such beauty.
oh god i sound like something from american beauty...shoot me now!
well, it's finals week folks, and you know what that means, i'm playing spider solitaire instead of studying.
Posted by piep0058 at 04:04 PM | Comments (3) | My Mind
Category "My Mind"
May 07, 2004
and today the world begins...
so i have succomb to the awesome power of online journals--what has become of me?
oh hell i really don't care all that much, i think this will be fun so in a week i can see see how stupid i was the week before, or month, or year...
today was the last day of classes. sad! but not really, it's good to be over.
and one thing--i'm desperately waiting for him to call. well i'm not desperate, but i have that feeling one gets when he realizes that someone isn't interested in him. if you know what i mean. life will go on, but it would be so good to see him.
well, i better go back to playing spider solitaire and get ready for the Hall Council Banquet. i'm just going to get dessert and then run back to my room to check my voicemail--i need a damn cell phone!
and i love all of you! yes, that means you too!
Posted by piep0058 at 04:51 PM | Comments (5) | My Mind