I typed in the word 'Gay' into the Google search bar, and before hitting enter I waited to see what Google's 'Autocomplete' came up with. A few suggestions included: Gay marriage, Gay men, Gay Jokes, Gay Fish, Gay Celebrities, Gay Rights, and Gay Test. I was intrigued by these gay tests. I've seen and heard a few of these tests before that are supposed to test how prominent your heteronormative masculinity is. *(For this little Queer This exploration, I am only considering things that came up in my limited Google search, and not medical examinations of the GID field)* All of the tests that came up were masculine based; i.e.-testing if you (male body) have any homosexual tendencies. There were some you tube clips that came up, one of which was this one titled "The Gay Test": There are a series of images asking questions like, "if you noticed the guy in the background, then I have bad news for you." And the "Ultimate Test" to see if you're gay or not is (at 0:51) two pictures of hands to see "if your ring finger is bigger than your index finger, then you are a real Macho Man" but "if your ring finger is equal to your index finger... you can be... GAY!"
Growing up i've heard many of these little tests to see if you have ______ (insert preferred term). I was told that these were "wives' tales" and my mother assured me that these little tests were made up and not true. It baffles my mind that so many people STILL operate on the notion that these homophobic, or racist, or transphobic, or ablist little "wives' tale" tests are viable for measuring out bodies that are or are not 'gay'. And since this is a self-test, you better make Sure that your own body is not readable as gay.
The first website that came up in the Google search is titled: "*The Gay Test*: a fiercely fabulous test of your heterosexuality" This website featured a quiz which included questions like: "12) If I could have dinner with one of the following women, I would choose: -Barbra Streisand -Madonna -Kim Cattrall -Adriana Lima" and "13) I get a manicure: -Two or three times a month-I have unruly cuticles. -When I have an important meeting or event coming up. -In exchange for special favors from my girlfriend. -Every time hell freezes over."
Although this test offers and alternative to these homophobic mainstream 'tests', and is aimed at exposing the homophobia of these other "Gay Tests" by making the 'gay' answers seem natural and the 'straight' answers seem 'gay'; both test operate on the matrix of actions=sexuality=body=desire model.