GWSS 1001 - Gender, Power, and Everday Life

I used to be Christian, but I never really understood what that entailed, and when I found out, I felt like I didn't belong. This scared me because my Dad is a very religious christian, and I love him to death. I look up to him, but I never felt very comfortable when the preacher spoke of hell, so when my parents divorced, my mom joined the Center for Spiritual Living, which lives by the philosophy of the Power of the Mind. I'm not saying the worship the mind. They believe in God, but it's more like God and the Universe and all energy is the same thing. We are a part of God and God is a part of us, and God is Good. Personally, I believe there is a God and I definitely believe in the Power of the Mind. I think the mind is a very dangerous, complex, and beautiful thing, but sometimes it can be a lot to handle, and I don't think I'll ever master it's use. I'm really into a lot of different philosophies on pretty much everything, but mainly religious philosophies. I am constantly thinking about whether or not everything is all relative, or if the law of attraction works because I have made myself believe that it does, or if it works because that's how the universe works. If you don't know what the law of attraction is, it's okay. You can ask me. Oh, and one more thing, my best friend in the whole world (who is christian knows that I am not one, but my father still believes that I am. None of his children are, and I fear that I may be his "last hope" child. I just don't want to disappoint him. You won't tell him will you??? Thanks.

Another thing I see about myself is that I tend to go on random tangents about nothing really significant at all. I'm a loner. I'm hard on myself. I think I could become mentally insane (not only do I believe in the power of the mnd, I fear it).

I am very disorganized when it comes to my thoughts. My mind is always a rough draft. I'm really excited about this class, but also extremely nervous because my BFA classes take up a lot of time in my schedule. I just found out about this class today (jan. 17th), so that's why I wasn't in class on Tuesday.

Also, right now, I am through with romance, and anything that has to do with romantic relationships, and Danika (Quick Digression, yay!: 4 Sisters = Johnna-oldest, Danika-2nd oldest, Me-3rd, Kendra-youngest) and I are going to be the Crazy old Krantz Sisters who live next door and have about 900,834 cats. I had a very complicated winter break...Basically, I am the 90 degree angle of an Isosceles love triangle. It is no fun at all.

And moving on, if you look to your right you'll see that: I love playing guitar, I love writing stream of consiousness. I'm reading a book called A New Earth which I highly recommend. I'm also getting through The Disappearance of the Universe. I just finished The Alchemist. I love The Melancholy Death of Oyster Boy and Other Stories and The Angel is Near. I try to meditate whenever I can, which is usually at night because I'm an insomniac.

I am currently stationed in Middlebrook, and only really see 17 other student faces a day. Those faces make up my BFA company. I love 'em, but you don't get much of a college experience with a tight-knit group like that.

I fear that I may be writing this wrong. I constantly have a fear of being incorrect in anything and everything I do, and I can't stand being late. I am still afraid of the dark and not ashamed to admit it. I fear failure, I fear losing my grip on reality, I fear showing my true self, I fear my inability to communicate, I fear strong religious opinions, I fear my questioning everything, I fear regrets, I fear just barely missing my goals, I fear I have lost my self. I fear that I do not know where I am; where my consiousness is stationed; who I am.

I want to act, I want to succeed. I want my step father to aquire all the neuro-feedback equipment he wants. I don't want to go too deep into what I want for fear that you will misinterpret what I mean. I admit that I want to be liked by everyone. I admit that I want to look attractive. I seem to give in to the pressures of the media, and yet am repulsed by what they say about what I am supposed to look like, feel like, dress like, act like,...

I AM A HYPOCRITE!....who isn't that great at spelling, but that was totally unrelated to the previous statement that was presented in all capital letters.

And when I get going on an online entry, I really go on for way too long. I think this entry should come to a close, but I just wanted to show how difficult it was to really get an organized view of who a person is. Humans just seem too complex to get to the very bottom of a who they are....or who they think they are. Though, I got to say, I enjoyed every messy minute of it!

Thanks for Reading!
~Mikaela