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Listen

This video makes me think...
* of all the times men in my life told me what to do and what to think and how to do things
* that sometimes I really do feel all alone and that no one will listen to me, and if I do speak, I can't help but be passionate and emotional about it which is not okay to the men in my life and that frustrates me
* that my daughter will not have this problem - I will make sure of it
* that sometimes I am helpless and can't say what is on my mind because of internalized oppression and I hate it!
* the reason I identify with this song so much is that sometimes I really am not at home in my own home. I come home thinking I am safe and put my defenses down, but no, have to keep those walls always up - you never know where the comment, "Man up!" or "stop being so emotional - it makes you weak!" comes from. It just kills me inside that my own brothers - the three men in my life who I love the most and really look up to would say something like that to me.
* Why is emotion so bad? It is just another level of communicating with someone...I don't get why it is disgraceful
* my crossroads are: 1) either close myself off to the comments and just keep silent, because that is a woman's place or 2) share my emotions, thoughts, opinions and be labeled a 'femi-nazi' or a 'lesbian.' Because, after all, what am I fighting for? Women can vote! The war is over...I am 'fighting for nothing.'

Listen I am alone at a crossroads I'm not at home in my own home And I've tried and tried To say whats on my mind
There was someone here inside Someone I thought had died So long ago Oh I'm screaming out And my dreams will be heard They will not be pushed Aside or turned

This video makes me...
* cry with regret that I had to fight so hard to gain control of my life
* bitter because I am not in total control of it
* sad that the men in my life, some of who I love deeply still don't understand, respect or listen to me
* hopeful that maybe one day I will find my own voice...my own complete voice...one that is all mine
* conscious of all the work I have to do to get over my bitterness and to use my experience to continue to grow and improve myself
* simultaneously tired with having to fight every battle because of my two strikes, (being a woman, and being a Woman of Color) and passionate to continue the fight - because I have to do it for my sister, my daughter, my future generations.
* wonder what it would be like if I didn't have to go through my experiences? what would I be like? my experiences cause me to grow, but the journey, it is so painful and heartbreaking. It would be nice to have the choice to step back from the war every once-in-a-while...

But now I got to find my own - my own