Rape Only Hurts If You Fight It...
“Rape Only Hurts If You Fight It� by John Petroski
Most people today would claim that rape is a terrible crime almost akin to murder, but I strongly disagree. Far from a vile act, rape is a magical experience that benifits society as a whole. I realize many of you will disagree with this thesis, but lend me your ears and I’m sure I’ll sway you towards a darkened alley.
If it weren’t for rape, Western Civilization might not exist as we know it today. When the Romans were faced with a disproportionate ratio of women to men in the early kingdom, they had to do something, lest their flidgling society die for lack of sons. To solve their little dilemma, they did what any reasonable man would do: they threw a festival for their Sabine neighbors, and then stole and raped their women. It’s quite logical; in fact I don’t understand why the settlers at Plymoth didn’t do the same to the local Indians–it certainly would have saved on shipping costs.
Obviously, in the case of the Rape of the Sabines, rape was a tremendous help to society. The Sabine women, for their part, didn’t seem to mind so much, as they threw themselves between their brutish old Sabine husbands and their charming new Roman ones to prevent bloodshed when the Sabine men came to reclaim their wives. Yet even when society was totally against a rape, the raunchy act has benifited society too. Where would the Romans be, after all, if it weren’t for the Rape of the Lucretia infuriating the people to the point of overthrowing their last king, Lucius Tarpuinius Superbus? If it weren’t for that event, the world might have never had the Roman Republic for a pristine example of a flawless government.
Rapes glorious advantages are not, however, exclusively found from 2,000 year old examples. In actuality rape advantages can very much be seen today. Take ugly women for example. If it weren’t for rape, how would they ever know the joys of intercourse with a man who isn’t drunk? In a society as plastic-conscious as our own, are we really to believe that some man would ever sleep with a girl resembling a wildebeest if he didn’t have a few schnapps in him? Of course he wouldn’t–at least no self-respecting man would–but there in lies the beauty of rape. No self respecting man would rape in the first place, so ugly women are guaranteed a romp with not only a sober man, but a bad boy too; and we all know how much ladies like the bad boy.
Ugly women are not, however, the only people who benefit from rape–prisoners enjoy as many perks too. What, after all, could be possibly be more boring than spending years of your life confined to some tiny cell 23 hours a day? The answer, of course, is spending years of your life confined to some tiny cell 23 hours a day and never getting some hot action. With rape, prisoners never have to worry about that. Instead, they merely need worry about treating their rapist with enough love and respect to earn a quick reach-around.
But if there is one bread and butter reason for why rape should not only be accepted, but even endorsed, it is because our news editors are in dire need of interesting stories for our front page. Bookstore stories? Fossils? One dollar coins? Please. Now, some saucy circle-jerk rape
I first came across this article in my Intro to Women Studies class and I was infuriated at the author of this article and just saddened by his ignorance and proclaimed naivety. In interviews with the press John said that he never meant to hurt anyone that he honestly thought that his satirical piece, which was printed alongside other regular opinion pieces, wouldn’t be insensitive at all.
I cannot believe the extent he went to in order to research this supposed satirical piece! I find it ironic that a heterosexual White male would write so ignorantly about the dangers of rape, I would never even write an article like this, even for satire. I guess I don’t understand his ultimate goal for this article. What is he poking fun at? Women who yell rape when they are raped? I don’t get it. There isn’t really a motive behind his writing this insensitive and ignorant piece. Who said that every single session of sex / intercourse with a man is joyful? Bah humbug! I say to John! He pokes fun at ugly and fat women, never saying anything about ugly or fat man that are always much more accepted in our society.
Why is that there is a double-standard for men and women? I also love how he pokes fun at women prisoners who long for nice session of hot steamy sex to break up the monotonous day of doing nothing in a cell for long periods of a time. They shouldn’t definitely worry about STI’s or HIV or violent abuse…nope, as long as they are getting the lucky chance of getting penetrated… hey, a win-win situation! I am glad that the author of this article was demoted, but I wonder what would have happened if the author were a woman or a person of color? Would s/he been fired?
