November 30, 2005
The Etiquette of Growing Up an Immigrant's Kid
My friends and I have had conversations lately about proper table etiquette, specifically the correct place setting for dinner and the correct use of silverware. It's something we could have learned from reading Miss Manners or Emily Post but who has time for such things. Plus, as immigrant kids, we never had heard of these etiquette people growing up. Instead, we grew up using chopsticks and making do with spoons and forks whenever necessary.
Fortunately, my friend Holly recently found this website from (of all places) the University of Missouri College of Business which details proper dinner etiquette. If you backtrack on this website, you will find useful tips on dress and etiquette for professionals.
It's pretty interesting stuff on this site, at least for me. I've picked up on most of these things over the years, primarily from vicarious learning and observation of well-to-do White people (neighbors, teachers, strangers, tv characters). Still, it is validating to know that I now know how to do things correctly because it stressed me out growing up and feeling so clueless! The Asian shame would kick right in whenever I found myself floundering on etiquette or when someone would call me out on my lack of etiquette.
Proper etiquette is just one more thing to have to figure out alone as you grow up as children of immigrants with parents too busy just trying to make ends meet and still learning the rules and customs of this culture for themselves. But this social knowledge is important for success in society. This is for sure. You could be a brilliant person, but if your breath stinks or you chew with your mouth open or you dress poorly or you don't know how to have a casual conversation, you may not be given the chance to show your stuff.
Of course, these lessons are important for everyone (not just immigrants). I have had students who grew up poor, working class, or in urban environments and had never learned such things either. Learning how to hold a wine glass and to sample wine when poured by a waiter are the little refinements in life that can pay dividends, professionally and personally.
I am not advocating finishing school for everyone nor am I meaning to privilege high brow living. However, we nevertheless live in a society that places value on these behaviors and it is prudent to at least know these rules.
For some more tangential thoughts on this issue, read on...
Recently, there was a Wall Street Journal article on White Flight in Silicon Valley which seems pertinent to mention. In the article, it describes the educational flight of White parents who are moving their kids out of the local school system because they are concerned by the over-emphasis on academic achievement above all else which they attribute to the influx of Asian American children whose parents, by the way, see education as the primary means toward assimilation and success in American society. The alternate view, incidentally, is that White parents are moving out because their kids are no longer the top students, being outshined by Asian American children. The truth probably lies in between.
On the one hand, I find this type of White flight to be racially motivated at a deep and subtle level. On the other hand, I can understand the concerns because there is a need for children to be well-rounded. It is important for immigrant children to learn about other aspects of life beyond academics, such as sportsmanship, art, and civic engagement. These are important activities not just to help you get into college, but because these experiences help build character and identity.
Now, most immigrant parents recognize the importance of these experiences too. However, if you had to pick one thing for your child to ensure their future, which would you pick? It is hard to judge parents for their decisions. Yet it is not an either/or situation. It should be and can be a both/and situation. I often have shared this opinion with immigrant parents when I meet with them at workshops and conferences. It is amazing because most parents feel relief when I put forth this viewpoint. In their hearts, they know too and want the best for their children in the fullest sense, but get concerned and sometimes pressured by the ethnic community. It's the keeping up with the Joneses/Kims/Chens/Trans syndrome.
Okay, enough on this topic. As always, let me know your thoughts.
Posted by richlee at November 30, 2005 07:20 AMThat's a very interesting post. It's funny for me to read this because even though I am not the child of recent immigrants, my mom and stepdad raised me in a very similar way (emphasis on academics above all else, limited extracurricular activities), and they were extremely strict (which meant I had a very limited social life - couldn't even sneak out at night because they screwed my bedroom windows shut!) and were not particularily social themselves (which meant I had very few examples/friendship role models to draw from). Not the same as coming from a different culture, but the lmited social/cultural training is there.
I don't mean to rip on my parents at all - they worked so hard to be good parents and were doing the best they knew! To this day, though, even though I feel I've picked up a lot since moving off to college and having more people to observe, I still feel inadequate and like I'm still always catching up to other people in these areas - etiquette, fashion, conversation. Probably explains the 3 books on etiquette, 4-5 books on dressing well, and handful of books on social and conversational skills on my amazon wish list. I also think it's interesting that the bulk of my closest friends have been Asian Americans with immigrant parents, especially when I was faced with unfamiliar social situations (first starting college, first real job, first csci class, first leadership job). I always figured it was just coincidence (and really, it most likely is, righht?), but now that we're discussing it, I wonder if those similarities in upbringing were at work in some subtle way in how we connected more easily. I don't know, maybe not b/c we still grew up quite differently...
Posted by: nic at November 30, 2005 02:17 PMI am enjoying surfing (is this the right term?) your blog site, reading about the life of an Asian American in academia, good Korean food, 6 degrees of separation (you know it's 2 degrees between Asians). However, I really related to this entry about the whole etiquette thing and not getting much help on this from our immigrant parents. It's like as you learn stuff from other well-to-do White people, etc., you run home and try to share those nuggets of information with your family members! Like the time I learned that the bread plate goes on your left and your drink glass goes on your right by making a lower case "B" with your left hand and a lower case "D" with your right hand. Cool, eh? Also, I think I'm finally comfortable with sparking and engaging in casual conversation rather than jumping right into why you are talking to that person in the first place.
BTW, this is my first visit to a Blog and I'm really enjoying myself! I came upon this site while trying to find your current contact info re: your Asian American Family Conflicts scale. I'm applying to PhD programs right now and hope to be a chill Asian American professor like you someday!
Posted by: Mary at December 30, 2005 07:10 PM