FamiLee Life

Halmoni's Story :: Korean Birthmother Panel

Last Saturday morning, as part of the ongoing Still Present Pasts programming, we were privileged to have a 73 year old Korean immigrant woman share her life story of life after the Korean War and the process and aftermath of placing four children for adoption. It was a powerful story (thanks YoonJu Park for interpreting and Jennifer Arndt-Johns for moderating!). I was going to recap it but Hal (at Inner Geek) beat me to it (and did a wonderful job of summarizing her story).

After her talk, Mrs Lee and I were introduced and, adoringly, she stayed by my side and we chatted in broken Korean/English. It was an endearing moment. She is one year younger than my father and would have been closer in age to my mother, but she was much more like my 94 year old grandmother (my halmoni). Mrs Lee is a tiny but strong woman with a lot of punch and humor left in her. You could see the lines of tragedy and heartache in her face, but also a skin that was resilient and forward looking. Here was a woman who weathered the worst of the worst and yet somehow found the courage to continue moving forward with her life. Holding on to my hand, she repeatedly invited me over to her home for dinner, saying she enjoyed being around so many people her children's age. In her words were love and loneliness, intertwined like tree branches and vines locked in a symbiotic battle for existence.

From Inner Geek

A Story of Tragedy, Loss, Faith, Hope

…that is how the telling of her story began this morning. As part of the Still Present Pasts exhibit, Mrs. Lee, a Korean birthmother, told her story to us speaking through an interpreter. Before the Korean War, she worked in a shirt factory. She was 18 when the Korean War started, so she couldn’t go for advanced schooling. (Girls couldn’t go when people were starving, but boys could.) She was 22 when she married -- for love, rather than by family arrangement. Her husband was a construction manager; they had 4 children - 3 boys and 1 girl. They lost their resources and their livelihood when some of his workers sued him. They had to move in 1971, and her husband died in 1972 (because of shock and stress, she said).

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With children ages 14, 9, 6, and 2, she was unable to work outside the home and had no extended family to help. They had disowned her after she married for love rather than by family arrangement. The pastor of her church suggested that she place the 2 year old for adoption so that she could work and support the other 3 children. She reluctantly went to Holt (an adoption agency); within 3 months, an adoptive family in the U.S. was chosen and sent her a letter. They noticed all 4 children in a picture and offered to adopt all 4 siblings.

Mrs. Lee couldn’t think of her life without children. She postponed the baby’s departure for 6 months. The oldest son asked to go to America - the land of promise, the “dream country.� A friend told her: if you send one baby, you will lose contact forever; but if you send all 4 children, perhaps you can have contact and they will come back to you some day. So she decided to send all 4 children.

After they were gone, she saw no hope for living any longer. She tried to commit suicide 4 times and failed. Friends suggested that she remarry, but she refused. If she remarried, her name would be changed to that of her new husband and removed from her family’s registry. Therefore, if her children tried to find her, they wouldn’t be able to. She had no social life or close friends. People asked her how she could enjoy herself, when she had given up her children.

When her daughter was 19, she contacted her mother. “It was the best day in my whole life!� She was persuaded to move to Minnesota in 1992, but it didn’t work out and she moved back to Korea. “Whenever I received a letter, the whole world was mine.� She moved back to Minnesota in 1996. She had hoped to be with all her children, but her oldest son moved to California and started a business. She doesn’t know where he lives now; he doesn’t call her. The other 3 live here and have good relationships with her. She hopes that her oldest son will return some day.

She does know the family who adopted her children. She appreciates the love and support they have given her children. Even though they don’t speak each others’ language, they show their affection through hugs, smiles, and demonstrations of appreciation and affection.

She was asked, “How do your children feel now about your decision (to place them for adoption)?� She said the children tell her not to regret it - they try to comfort her; they say they have had a good life here.

She was asked whether she has become friends with other Korean women who placed babies for adoption. She said she is ashamed; she does not want to share this with other women. She said no Korean woman would place a child for adoption without being in terrible circumstances. It is unspeakable, indescribable. But she decided to tell her story today, in the context of this project about Korea and the Korean War, because she wanted to share the truth about her life.

Thank you, Mrs. Lee, for your courage in talking with us this morning. Every adoption involves compelling stories - stories that involve the strongest emotions that we humans experience. The stories of birth parents are not as frequently told as those of adoptees or adoptive parents. So it was a privilege to hear and learn from this story.

Posted by richlee at April 30, 2007 09:42 AM