More people should use the subjunctive, because it represents hope and possibility instead of the binary modes of truth and falsehood. "If I was younger" is an ugly expression. It confuses you. You were younger once, so the "if" expression always evaluates to true, even though the intent of the sentence suggests the opposite. This is poor English, and poor communication. It does not clearly convey your idea.

Instead of this tinlike expression, use "If I were younger", "If I were home", "Wish you were here", etc.

If you're ever in doubt, invert the expression to test its grammatical correctness. "Were I younger, I would...", "Were I home, I would... ", "Were you here, we could..." and so forth. "Was I younger, I would ... " just rings leaden in the ear and illustrates how ugly the misuse of "If I was younger" types of expressions in absence of the subjunctive really are.

Finally, the subjunctive opens the door to an even more poetic grammatical device, which I would see spent into common circulation again in the next century: the optative. It is exemplarized by John Keat's

Bright Star! Would I were steadfast as thou art

"Would I were younger" is more than just a description of a hope or dream, but an explicit statement-act of hoping or dreaming. "Would I this nation were at peace". Now that's beautiful. Try saying the same thing using the ugly non-grammatical English from above.

"I wish this nation was at peace."

Guess what? It was! So your wish came true. Try again.

"I wish this nation was at peace again"

We have been at peace many times. Try again.

"I wish this nation would be at peace"

We undoubtedly will at some distant point in the future. Try again. Hopefully I've expressed the practical utility of using these proper grammatical forms. Dream big. Conjure the subjunctive and optative in your writing.

Posted by Alexander Saint Croix on 26 March 2008 at 05:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I haven't fully spoken my peace over the incident at the Boiler Room Cafe in Minneapolis this morning. I work in the service industry. I help paying customers for a living. So I know how to treat them. One thing you should never do is swear at them or tell them to go elsewhere, because customers owe you nothing.

You might think you've got them right where you want them--they already payed, right? So why treat them well? That seems to be the attitude. The fact of the matter is that you work for them. Without the customers, you don't have a business. That doesn't mean you need to put up with abuse from customers, but it does mean that there are appropriate ways to deal with potential conflicts.

People don't go to coffee shops for the coffee. I know that sounds strange, but the fact of the matter is that coffee is cheap and people can just stay home if they want a good cup of coffee. I certainly would never go to a coffee shop if I wanted a reliably high-quality cup. I can roast my own beans at home in my popcorn popper and have the best light roast in the state in 20 minutes if I really want to. No, there are two things that people purchase from coffee shops.

1. Proximity (it's a close and convenient place to get out and have a drink)
2. Atmosphere
3. Friendly Service

The first item--proximity--has the weakest claim to our patronage. Coffee shops are a dime a dozen, especially in a city like Minneapolis. The second and third items in the list make up the bulk of the reason people go to coffee shops. If you have bad or uncomfortable atmosphere it cancels out the motivation to leave the home in the first place. If you have rude customer service on top of it, don't plan on being in business for too long.

Cafes provide a service--not a product. People who don't like to provide good service should choose a different career path. The Boiler Room Cafe has terrible and hostile service, which defeats the point of going out for coffee instead of enjoying a better cup at home. I'd rather see a Dunn Brothers in the neighborhood--they have better coffee and they know how to treat customers.

Posted by Alexander Saint Croix on 16 March 2008 at 04:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

The Boiler Room is the worst coffee shop in Minneapolis.

This is because the staff treats the customers like dirt, and verbally abuses them. It betrays an attitude about customers that penetrates everything else they do. It will never be more than a single mom-and-pop-shop coffee hole for this reason. About a year ago a friend of mine remarked that they're technically not supposed to impose a minimum charge on credit card purchases. (they're not) The woman behind the counter called her a bitch and told her to leave. Needless to say, she did. Every time I've suggested buying a cup of coffee there since the answer has been a definite no. Today was different, though--with some cajoling, I convinced her this morning to come with me to the Boiler Room for a cup of coffee. We were nearby and didn't really want to ride to the other side of town.

Seemed like a good idea at the time, but we forgot one important thing.

The first thing I noticed was that the prices had been steeply marked up since the last time I was there. I don't know if it changed ownership, but I haven't seen Ann for quite some time. The coffee was burned and old--I had to put cream in it to make it palatable. And the music was loud and awful. Basically, I'm of the mind that people pay coffee shops for coffee and a quiet-ish place to talk. We don't pay to participate in the musical tastes of the employees. If the environment is distracting, it's within a customer's rights to bring up the subject. And if they don't want customers, it's well within a merchant's rights to refuse to accommodate.

So here's the story. I didn't like the music--nobody at my table did. I asked the guy behind the counter--what's with the music? He asked me if I had a problem with it. I told him "well, sort of", in as noncommittal a way as I could. At another time, perhaps not. At that particular moment, yes... What happened next was really unnerving. The jerk told me to "get the #$@^ out, then. It's my shop and I'll listen to any #$%@ing music I want."

So I did. My friend was right about that place. The Boiler Room is the worst coffee shop in Minneapolis, based on my numerous experiences of their customer service and hostility towards patrons.

Barring an apology, I'm never going back.

Posted by Alexander Saint Croix on 16 March 2008 at 03:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Posted by Alexander Saint Croix on 4 March 2008 at 05:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)