- Thou shalt not require a minimum purchase for Visa or Mastercard usage, lest Thou breakest Thy contract and run afoul of the Better Business Bureau.
- Thou shalt provide wireless network coverage for Thy patrons, save during lunch and dinner rush, when Thou shouldst terminate said connection to clear the leeches.
- Thou shalt instruct Thy baristas in the subltle art of power-cycling a wireless router and empower them to do so when necessary.
- Thou shalt provide one electrical outlet for each table at Thy establishment.
- Thou shalt play quiet music during finals and trimesters.
- Thou shalt not play Nick Drake music. Nor shalt Thou play Elliot Smith or the Sergeant Pepper album, lest they be selections in a sensibly stocked jukebox.
- Thou shalt ensure that Thy lavatories are well ventilated, and that only patrons are permitted to use them. If thou must have a lavatory key, Thou shouldst affix Thy key to a block of plastic--never wood.
- Thou shalt require a purchase from all who would occupy your establishment.
- Thou shalt provide water at no cost for Thy patrons.
- Thou shalt buy tables with legs or feet numbering three. Three shall be the number of the legs or feet of Thy tables, being the least and greatest number required to prevent accidental spilling of beverages. Two shall not be the number of legs or feet of Thy tables, nor shall the number be four, lest Thy tables fall or wobble. Five is outright.
I realize that these might seem unreasonable, but one can always hope. The last one is the motherlode, but three-footed tables seem very rare these days. That's a real shame. Anyone who knows where to buy three-legged or three-footed tables and stools of the type you'd put in a coffee shop, please let me know so I can link to their website. If this article raises your hackles, please ignore and forgive.
The views and opinions expressed in this page are strictly those of the page author. The contents of this page have not been reviewed or approved by the University of Minnesota.
