Journal #3: Progress?
I feel stuck, but yet not stuck. I understand this Ph.D.-thing is a process, a journey, and that it is not quick. I need to be easy on myself, but....
In my head, in my grand master plan, I would have started my exams at the beginning of the semester. And I would have all my ducks in a row so I would be able to apply for the DDF. But here it is, the second week in October, and I still have not started exams. I have gone through many emotions, and I am starting to feel more peaceful about where I am at. It is not like I am sitting on my hands, just sitting. I have four publications in process and one conference paper (one chapter I just helped put the finishing touches on tonight!). Since the summer, I have had three other publications out. I work on several independent research projects which will help me continue writing in the future. So, on top of my coursework and RA positions and independent research, I have the expectation for myself to begin exams. Perhaps this is a bit much? It is just difficult for me to think about not being eligible to apply for the DDF, but I have not given up, yet. I have a meeting with one of my advisors this week, which should help me immensely in figuring out the direction I should take with my dissertation research. Part of me is very hopeful, that I don't have to give up my grand master plan. I don't know why I am so attached to my master plan, though. What if I started my exams in January? So what? Coursework would be done, with the exception of this course. Despite not being in a position to apply for the DDF, I might be more sane. I would have several projects off my plate, including pushing out my master's work for publication, which is an important publication as I am first author. I could still finish my dissertation within my time frame, I may just have to have an RA position during my writing time. Which is probably better for me - the more crazy my schedule, the more on-task I am. I need to give myself permission to let go of my master plan. I guess I just wanted the DDF. I know I would be in a very good candidate for the DDF, but it might just not happen.
I am rambling. I guess the point of this entry is to try to explain the business in my brain during the past two weeks, the ongoing conversations I have been having with myself about my goals for the semester. It is time for me to open my goals calendar and do some rearranging, I think. I could not even get myself together to apply for travel funding for NRC - I hope I can apply for funding retrospectively in the spring.
At least I am taking my vitamins. And I went for a long walk over the weekend. And I am not a slacker. There is nothing wrong in me reorganizing my master plan. Right?
Comments
Hey, Cassie--
I can read your frustration loud and clear. No, there's nothing wrong in reorganizing your master plan. And, yes, you may certainly apply for travel funds retroactively next spring. So no worries on those two pieces.
I am impressed by how much writing and publishing you are doing. You are establishing an enviable record of scholarship and you should feel very good about that. That being said, you should also be careful that the publishing opportunities, consulting gigs, etc. don't get too much in the way of your focusing your energies on finishing the degree. I'm beginning to see that there is a bit of theme in this regard among many of the women in the seminar and hope to speak to this a bit in class tomorrow. At any rate, it of course won't be a big deal if you don't have all your ducks in a row to apply to the DDF --just keep in mind that in order to be considered you will need to have finished prelims and have had your official thesis proposal approved by the early March deadline. You would indeed be a strong candidate, but if timewise you are not able to swing it, then you shouldn't make yourself nuts. Life is too short and you have better places to put your energy.
I'm intrigued by your statement about being more on task the crazier your life is. I see a lot of that in myself. What's up with that? At least for me, it's not the healthiest habit I've developed.
Making a commitment to finishing the degree will no doubt require some compromise and sacrifice. What are you willing to let go of so that you can concentrate your energies on your exams and your thesis proposal in the short term? Just some food for thought.
I so enjoy having you in the seminar. You add so very much to our discussions.
Dee
Posted by: Dee | October 16, 2006 3:12 PM