Journal #3: Progress?
I feel stuck, but yet not stuck. I understand this Ph.D.-thing is a process, a journey, and that it is not quick. I need to be easy on myself, but....
In my head, in my grand master plan, I would have started my exams at the beginning of the semester. And I would have all my ducks in a row so I would be able to apply for the DDF. But here it is, the second week in October, and I still have not started exams. I have gone through many emotions, and I am starting to feel more peaceful about where I am at. It is not like I am sitting on my hands, just sitting. I have four publications in process and one conference paper (one chapter I just helped put the finishing touches on tonight!). Since the summer, I have had three other publications out. I work on several independent research projects which will help me continue writing in the future. So, on top of my coursework and RA positions and independent research, I have the expectation for myself to begin exams. Perhaps this is a bit much? It is just difficult for me to think about not being eligible to apply for the DDF, but I have not given up, yet. I have a meeting with one of my advisors this week, which should help me immensely in figuring out the direction I should take with my dissertation research. Part of me is very hopeful, that I don't have to give up my grand master plan. I don't know why I am so attached to my master plan, though. What if I started my exams in January? So what? Coursework would be done, with the exception of this course. Despite not being in a position to apply for the DDF, I might be more sane. I would have several projects off my plate, including pushing out my master's work for publication, which is an important publication as I am first author. I could still finish my dissertation within my time frame, I may just have to have an RA position during my writing time. Which is probably better for me - the more crazy my schedule, the more on-task I am. I need to give myself permission to let go of my master plan. I guess I just wanted the DDF. I know I would be in a very good candidate for the DDF, but it might just not happen.
I am rambling. I guess the point of this entry is to try to explain the business in my brain during the past two weeks, the ongoing conversations I have been having with myself about my goals for the semester. It is time for me to open my goals calendar and do some rearranging, I think. I could not even get myself together to apply for travel funding for NRC - I hope I can apply for funding retrospectively in the spring.
At least I am taking my vitamins. And I went for a long walk over the weekend. And I am not a slacker. There is nothing wrong in me reorganizing my master plan. Right?