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Blogbased Introspection

So I felt like I should say a little bit more about myself, and the effect that this blog has had on my self image. As I mentioned in my little bio blurb, I'm really into introspection as an agent of change. I think we should really encourage people to take a look at who they are, and what makes them happy and what informs their decisions. So I felt like this blog is a good forum to share my own reflection, and maybe encourage other's (?). Anyway, I had started seriously considering about the deconstruction of gender in general earlier this semester after seeing a performance by the fantastic Kate Bornstein. As I mentioned during the conversation with Lana that's posted, I've never actually made any serious changes to my behavior, so I can't really say that I know what gender performance I'm most comfortable with. However, I've been moving toward making those changes - cutting all my hair off, not wearing makeup, not apologizing for talking too loud or my bodily functions.

Focusing more on the title of the blog, I've been really considering what performances I partake in. More significantly, which of those performances are influenced by my happiness. I know the following things:

-I like wearing makeup. As much as it's also a reaction to my perceived flaws, I love playing with my face. I'm sort of an artist (insomuch as I like to make 'art') and I like to use my face that way.
-I like the way my partner looks at me when I dress like a 'woman'. I love them, so it makes me happy to make them happy, and thus being feminine is in my best interests.
-I don't always like my body. Usually I'm madly, deeply in love with it, but some days, I just can't stand it. -When I hate my body, I want it to more feminine. Whether that's because I've been socialized to idealize that body type or because, as I said, it's certainly in the interest of my happiness to continue to perform that role.
-I have a love/hate relationship with exercise. I love how it makes my body look, but sometimes I feel like I'm just trying to attain the ideals that society wants me to strive for. Also, sometimes it hurts and I don't feel like doing it, and the feeling of guilt I get when I don't is ugly.

That's all the introspection I have in me for now, more later. Perhaps a beautiful, angsty Monday series about my self reflection.

Have a fantastic week!