K: *spitball*
G: missed
K: *coffee bean flick*
G: [duck] missed. *Large piece of beef*
K: [dodge] missed. But went splat against the wall. *garlic fling*
G: [caught] *orange lob*
K: [juices] *carrot arrow shot from toy Dukes of Hazard kit*
G: [backfired] ha ha! *flaming onion toss*
K: [reels in confusion, wondering how one can set an onion on fire. douses with balsamic vinegar, thus making marinated onions and metaphysically ricocheting them]
G: *two! paper airplanes*
K: *rubber band! rubber band! hula!*
K: *mai tai! mai tai! myyyyy tiiiiiie in the mooooorning!*
G: [hunkers down, relinquishes turn to don metallic pan helmet}
K: [dons tinfoil helmet. tightens tenuous grip on reality.]
K: [braces]
G: [scans kitchen]
G: *granola scattershot*
K: [sustains injury. applies bandaid. removes sink and creates bunker.]
K: *apple juice tsunami!*
G: [initiates swim-and-flight response system; dries off; dons goggles] *gathers words from newspaper and casts spell of distraction*
K: Lovely, lovely words! *literary swoon* Crafty jerk.
K: [inhales demerara sugar and recovers] *Presses orange button, initiates bookcase defense system a la computer wires scene in Superman 3. You are quickly encased by shelving and lovely, lovely books.*
G: [pounding]
G: [pounding]
G: [reading]
G: [reconstitutes self as chlorinated water; ruins books; seeps out] *chlorine splash causes dry skin and itching*
K: [initiates cocoa butter dousing] *flings chamois.*
G: [quickly washes and dries car] *arc spray of dishwasher soap*
K: [activates spray head, takes quick yet modest shower] *cookie trebuchet*
G: [munch munch munch] *bath of boiling honey*
K: [initiates tea transformation spell, becomes robust cup of Earl Gray] *honey seepage glues you to the floor.*
G: [honey source reversal] *bees and pollen attack*
K: [begins Clorox Cleanup protocol, vanquishing both honey and bees] [waves wand at distracting Husband who comes bearing closet solutions]
K: calls a draw and bows
G: slumps in exhaustion