Snowsuit

Ben Shea, October 2004

Walking in a confused fashion behind the rest of my peers had been my lot in life since before time was time. I remember when I was at a pre-kindergarten program called “5-alive” or something. It was winter. The teacher or assistant or whatever she was watched over us little ones and prompted us as we hurried into our tiny, puffy winter costumes, micro clothes for micro people. As it turned out, I was the one with the least hurry in me and therefore needed the most prompting. Like ten extra minutes of it. This was the time I was wasting, and she was rightly impatient for me and would tell me to Hurry Hurry Hurry. I could not see her plight, however, and so felt vaguely abused every day by her constant prompting the like of which (surprise) I would receive from my mother for the rest of my life.

What I did see were my little sock feet as I took off my sneakers, which I enjoyed because the day long entrapment of said sock feet would end as a dictator’s reign, and so the people in my little brain would scream “freedom!” And so I would admire this wonder and stop moving for maybe a full minute, forgetting entirely what I was doing. Then when I would remember a businesslike voice would detail in a chatty way what I needed to do, like so. Ok. So we got the shoes off. You don’t wear the shoes outside. It’s the boots you wear outside cuz of the snow, because snow is so cold when it gets in your socks. So, boots. We put the boot on. Hang on to something so you don’t fall over. Okay. So that’s done. Now, the snowsuit so pants don’t get wet which feel like you peed yourself and gets your legs to itch, which the snowsuit does too. So, one leg through at a time. You can do this. Just one.” Oh no, I did it all wrong. My boot is stuck in the snowsuit because it wasn’t supposed to go on first. Ok, so you take your foot out. Oh it feels so nice to be in sock feet. And my feet are sore to boot. I’m going to rub them… (sits down). Ok, so I put my coat on now, then my snowsuit. Oh no, the boot’s still in there… Well, I’ll just push it all the way through. Come on, just push as hard as you can. Oh no, it’s stuck even worse now. What will I do. Think. Come on, think, stupid, think. (Starts pondering about how exactly this can be pulled off. Starts to ponder about sail boats. Remembers about a plastic sail boat that wouldn’t float in the bathtub.) No, you’ve got to get the boot out. Be quiet lady, I am getting my clothes on but I have this issue with the boot I’m dealing with… So maybe I push it the other way. Wow, it is stuck. I have to turn it just so so it will just scoot out. Boy is this coat hot. I’m taking it off. Quiet, lady, I’m doing the best I can, ok. Ah, the boot came out. Ok, so now I can put my snowsuit on. Or is it coat. I think it was coat. Ok, so I put my coat on, then my snowsuit. Zip it all up. Hm, this feels funny. I think I did it wrong. My coat is all bunched up. Ok, so if I unzip it I can get back to the beginning. .. Oh, no, it won’t zip down! I can zip it up but not down! This is a catastrophe. No, I don’t need any help I got it, lady. No, I don’t. But she must never know!! Ok, so I just have to zip down as hard as I can. Uhhhh… Oh no, that made it even worse! What is making this happen. Wahh! (Teardrop of frustration falls.) No, I can do it myself. Why won’t you listen, lady. Why won’t my zipper zip? That’s what they’re for. You’re not doing your job, zipper. You’re supposed to go along those toothy things ad make them open their mouth, but you won’t, cuz you hate….Wait a minute. Oh, I see. There’s this cloth stuck in here funny. Maybe if I just fiddled around with the cloth a little with one hand and zipped up and down really fast with the other…Ow, it bit me. Hey! It worked. The zipper went down. Now I can take off my snowsuit. Hey! It won’t come off! Oh, I’m sitting on it. No, I’m fine lady. I know what I’m doing. Ok, stand up, put down snowsuit and then just step out of it. Ok,now what. Oh, wait. My ankle’s caught in this thingy, the stretchy thing. Now, snowsuit on first. Ok, then… Oh, no, my snowsuit’s inside out. Oh, I don’t have time to fix it now. Ok, so boots, coat.. Yay!! I’m done. Oh no, I left my mittens in my boots. My toes can feel them. So I take off my boots, get my pink gloves, put them on. Oh, no, they’re inside out too. I’m gonna take my socks off so I can have everything inside out. Oh, that feels even better. I should wear them like this every day. OK. So put boots on. Oh…good…good. And hat. Oh, it’s in my sleeve. Well, I’ll just unzip my coat and pull it out. That was easy. Ok, so back up. Good. Now my scarf. Oh no, that’s balled up in my other sleeve. Unzip, pull out, rezip. Oh no, the zipper caught on my scarf after I put it on. Well, I know a thing or two about when that happens. Ok, I’m done. Whew, that was exhausting. And now I’m all hot and itchy, and my leg feels like I peed ice on it. Oh, I know. It was back when I had the boot stuck in there. Ok, all set. Oh, oh, now the top of the zipper is at my nose and my chin is getting all yucky from breathing on it. Well, I’ll just zip it down a little. Ok, all set. Don’t forget my shoes and my backpack!