A facebook note from spring break.
So, I've told people that I'm cleaning out my room. Now... I don't think anyone, no matter how well they know me and my past living habits knows how much stuff I have. They think they do... but they don't. My closet is the length and height of the entire north wall. My desk, which is the length of another wall is covered above and below. Now... this stuff isn't just junk... it's stored. Because my mother is obsessed with saving things and I am her except younger and more forgetful basically. So anyway. I have a lot of stuff. More than anyone reading this. Promise.
So I've found out recently that I have a job secured for the next three summers, and after that I'll be graduated so I will be out in the world. Effect: I will no longer be coming home to stay for longer than a few days from now on. (on top of this my parents may be moving to Omaha... so there is another reason for what I'm currently doing) So... I'm cleaning out my room. Like... garbage bags full of stuff. One storage bin hidden under my desk had a huge stack of letters and birthday cards. I know I have to throw them away, so I decided to read them before I did. They were pretty predictable... from my grandparents, thank you notes from cast gifts I had given, CCCC thank you for you time this year cards... and a lot of letters from Rachel Slama which were really heartbreaking. But in some crazy turn the very bottom of the pile was a letter I had written to myself in the future. I must have written it in about 5th or 6th grade... I'm pretty sure it was a church project. Most of the things I said were insignificant. I asked a lot of questions- if I remembered this person and this event, if the boy I had liked at the time was my boyfriend, and how my summer vacation went. Why the heck did I ask so many questions? I knew they wouldn't be answered except with time. But I was curious. I was so curious about what would unfold in my 6th grade life... like I am now about the entire rest of my life. I don't think that when I wrote that letter I was taking responsibility for the events I was wondering about. I didn't ever date that boy I liked, my summer was fun... but I'm sure it was very boring, and I have forgotten most of the people I met associated with that letter. So... hopefully with a tiny bit more perspective (I don't begin to claim that I have a significant amount of knowledge about life yet) I want to write my future self a letter. Hopefully I'll forget about it in a few months, and hopefully I'll find it before they sell facebook for billions and kick us off or I lose interest in it. So, for anyone who cares, but this is mostly for me. (Ha. As I post it on facebook)
Soo... yeah. I realize that this is lame. This week I've found lots of old diaries that make me cringe. Except the one from when I was 7 and I thought I liked Leif Sorenson and knew I wanted to be an archaeologist.
So, right now I'm at this point in my life where I'm going to have to fess up to the fact that my dreams aren't big enough. Yeah, Ron and Jacob were right about that. So... I've set myself in these paths that are in the direction, but not enough. I know that stage managing is something I love and want to do... but I know that I need to be able to be creative. And I know that I have to do something to feel like I make a difference. I never thought that I'd turn out that way. I've lately been feeling unfulfilled. I have this idea. The Youtube idea... and hopefully that gets off the ground, I'm praying I don't lose interest or have so much trouble with it that I have to stop. I hope I can be significant. I want to look back on this letter and be like, cool. I acknowledged that. I put it in writing. More than one person saw it, so hopefully I'll be more motivated to do these little things that I'm dreaming I could do. I want to create something that I can do every day and be excited because I'm the one who changes it when I get bored with it. I realize that dreams change. And maybe I've found something more specific... but it's important to remember what you loved and aspired to at one point. That's what you want right now.
So... currently I don't believe in marriage. At all. Not even a little bit. People who get married at this age just want to have sex without feeling guilty. ...that's what I think. I think it is stupid and women automatically think it's what they want... but it just sounds boring to me. There's no way I could be happy with one person forever. ...Except for that one guy I would happily do it all with. I've doodled my married name so many times. (my last name hyphenate looks better with my last name before his) I often worry that I'm just one of those girls that I hate... and it scares me that that's what I need to feel happy but it's not what my brain will let me be happy with... marriage and family and all that. I feel like that was part of what spencer was for? showing me that about myself... and it sucks. I hate that about myself right now. Maybe I can come to peace with it. And maybe things with that guy will never even come close to working out. I really hope you held on, no matter how pathetic it is. Four point five years down... what's a few more I guess? I just sighed after I finished that sentence. I suppose I could just say his name. He knows who he is. Well... I'm lame. Anyone besides me who will read this knows who I'm talking about anyhow. Oof. Hope he likes my imaginary plans for us. (Don't get freaked and weirded out! It's not my fault I think that! It's a social implication put down for women since cave people! Forgive me) But this letter is for me! Back to Me!
There are some little things that mean the world to me now that I want you to be reminded of... because they were so small and I know I forget lots of things. Random pouring your heart out messages to Bryan, which are becoming fewer and fewer. Going to Marlins with Kenny after 1am. Honeycomb shampoo. TJ's sticky note. How much you loved Thelma & Louise. And how lonely you are... but keeping busy with stage management is so perfectly suited for forgetting the fact that you are. It's almost... a pleasurable form of melancholy. How hopeful you are now... I think that's a promising quality I have now. Remember that Chris will always get you no matter what... damn... I know, but it's true. Remember Our Town... that basically sums up everything you ever need to feel as one person. Who cares how you did, Emily was for you. Remember breaking into Rarig at 2 in the morning to turn in your lighting paper... haha. Twas fun and terrifying. Remember that if you do get married that you have to wait until Portia is ordained. I'm sorry, but that would be so cool.
I guess I"m kind of running out of things to say. I hope I find you well. Your health has always been perfect, let us hope it stays that way. I'm thinking that when you eventually figure out what you're doing with your life in every aspect... you know you can do more than that. Take your own advice too... don't just adore dishing it out to your friends who still call for help. I hope between now and then I can take some self-doubt and turn it into confidence, and make some more friends too. I really gotta work on that. Hopefully sex with someone you love is worth it... it's my only hope at this point. Otherwise I think I'm a lesbian. That made me laugh today. Hopefully it turns out to still be funny and not terribly, terribly sad in the future.
I know. I'm naive. At least I know. This might end up sounding stupid... but it feels like something I'm supposed to do tonight as I'm throwing away so much of my past... I need to remember something of it.
So, I guess that's it for right now.
Kind of sad, you know?
-Courtney. 21 March 2008