You may have heard that a guy on my floor, Marcus, committed suicide last Wednesday. He fell out the window. The day before Thanksgiving. Now that we've come back to school, his death has really hit me.
I didn't know Marcus too well, which is another small tragedy. Talking to others around the floor, it doesn't seem like anyone really did. I studied economics with him once, ate at UDS with him maybe a couple times, and said "hi" whenever I saw him, but now that seems too little, too late. When I read Marcus' obituary, I learned more about him in those tiny paragraphs than I did in the two-and-a-half months he lived just around the corner from me.
Suicide is something that I'll probably never completely understand. I understand what it's like to be depressed and hopeless about the future, and I can see the attraction of ending it all. Since I don't know the thoughts that went through Marcus' head, or his particular circumstances, I cannot judge his decision. If he felt that killing himself was the only solution to his problems, then I think he was wrong, but I understand how someone could think that way. Life is hard sometimes. If life was hard all the time, I don't know what I would do. Being the person that I am, I'd like to believe that, no matter how bad things get, I would keep my head up and look to the future. But I just don't know.
I know that no one is probably reading this right now, and that's OK. If you are reading it, that's great, but I am really intending for this blog to be a way of getting my thoughts out. People who know me well know that I am not a great talker about feelings, and this is one way I can sort out my thoughts to myself. (Plus, it's way cooler than having a diary.) I'd just like to say this, though: I may not be a great talker, but I am a damn good listener. If you ever, ever have a problem that you need to talk to someone about, please, do not hesitate to call or visit. God knows I don't have all the answers. None of us do. But I will try my best to be a good friend or a good shoulder to cry on.
Last night, we, as a floor, had a long meeting about Marcus' suicide. Floor 9 has a reputation as a very close, fun-loving community, and I enjoy being a part of it. We decided that we are going to do a candle-light walk across campus, both as a show of respect to our friend Marcus and a show of solidarity against suicide. We are also going to try to join a "yellow-ribbon" suicide awareness campaign. I hope these efforts succeed, and I hope that this tragedy makes our floor community stronger. I know that I am going to make a stronger effort to get to know everyone a little better, and reach out to people more.
I am still sorting through my emotions about Marcus' death. Even though I didn't know him well, it is still a shock, and it raises a lot of personal questions for me. I would like to extend my deepest sympathies to his family and friends. I know it must be a hundred times worse for them. I will probably be writing more about our march when that goes down, but I guess that's all for now. Thanks for listening.