ala carte air
Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?
Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!
Passenger: What for?
Attendant: For telling you where to sit.
Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.
Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat-locator fee of $5. It's
the airline's new policy.
Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.
Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?
Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear
Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you
like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?
Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.
Attendant: No problem (grunts). Up we go, and done! That will be $10,
Passenger : What?
Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.
Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.
Attendant: Actually, you're right -- you can't stand. You need to sit, and
fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But first I
need that $10.
Passenger: No way.
Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air
marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.
Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?
Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.
Passenger: Oh, all right, here -- take the $10. I can't believe this.
Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can
do for you?
Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to
work. Can you fix it?
Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters
into the overhead coin slot for t he first five minutes.
Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?
Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of
charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.
Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?
Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!
Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.
Attendant: Yes, there's a change-making fee of 25 cents.
Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? Whatever
will I do with it?
Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.