January 28, 2005
Warning: Stupidity ahead
Behold and harken to my words! I will now impart upon you a story of intrigue and mystery, a story that just might convince you that this blog is even more worthless than you first imagined! I know, hard to believe! It is the Mystery of the Bottle on the Chimney. Read on if you dare! Or if you are bored.
Before church last Sunday I pulled the car out of the garage and waited for my wife and kids to shuffle out into the cold and get in. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a strange sight on top of my chimney. It looked like a bottle, but I couldn't be sure (click on the image for a larger version). I thought, "How strange... did someone climb up on my roof, have a brew, and then leave the bottle?" I immediately thought of Cheesehead Craig, my neighbor, since he is a Packer fan and Packer fans are known to get sloshed every once in a while, but I was perplexed as to why he would climb onto my roof to enjoy his beverage. "Sheesh! Packer fans," I thought, "Just like women, you can't figure them out." Thinking I had the mystery solved we went off to church.
While at church, the intrigue got to me. Is it really a bottle on top of my chimney? And if not, what is it? So, after I got home I climbed up on top of the roof to take a look. Now keep in mind that it had just snowed heavily so my roof was a dangerous place to be, to say the least. Truthfully, I almost fell off several times as my feet tried to find purchase on the newly fallen snow. This, dear readers, is what I do for you. In order to bring you the most interesting Greet Machine I can, I will risk my life to bring you the story you deserve.
Anyway, when I got up there this is what I found. A breathtaking phenomenon of nature, surely worthy of comparison to the aurora borealis or Haley's comet. Behold and be amazed. So, now I must take this opportunity to apologize to Cheesehead Craig. It has now been proven that you don't climb up on top of my roof to do your weird Packer fan stuff, you obviously do all that in the comfort of your own home.
You'll recall a couple of days ago I posted a picture of my daughter getting her ears pierced. I have been chastised for posting such an interesting picture and then not giving any details, so here it goes. My daughter was desperate to get her ears pierced so my wife and I tried to explain to her the whole process. We told her they would poke a hole in her ear and that it will not feel good. In fact, it will hurt. Trying to deter her even more I told her that her ears would bleed. Amazingly, she was not deterred. She was determined to get her ears pierced. So, off we went to Ridgedale thinking that once she got there and saw the instruments of pain that would administer the piercings she would quickly change her mind.
We went to Libby Lu to get her ears pierced. If you've never been to Libby Lu, let me tell you it is an experience. It is on the exact opposite end of the spectrum of stores that I would usually choose to willingly walk into. But it is paradise for little girls. When we walked in they asked my daughter, "Would you like some fairy dust?" She nodded and they said, "Close your eyes and make a wish," and they sprinkled brightly colored dust all over her head. I thought that was hilarious. My daughter was in heaven. We then asked to have her ears pierced and we were told that they had to finish up a birthday party first and then they would be right with us.
Holy guacamole. If you've never seen a birthday party at Libby Lu, plan to spend a day at Ridgedale some Saturday and prepare to be entertained. It is an amazing spectacle. First they dress the girls up, plaster them with makeup, and put hair extensions in. Then they all practice poses and dance moves with the store clerks. Then, all the girls line up outside in front of the store, and the clerks blast "Mambo No. 5" as loud as they can. One of the clerks then stands in front of the girls and literally screams the lyrics, of course changing all the names in the song to the names of the girls in the party. The girls strike poses for all the people passing by as their names are called.
I cannot express to you enough how stunned I was at all of this. It was like watching a train wreck in progress. I couldn't take my eyes off of it. What impressed me the most, though, was the clerk in charge of singing the song. She must have been 16-17 years old and she put on a show for those girls worth every penny of the $20-$30 each of them spent to be at the party. I asked my wife how mortified she would have been singing like that as a teenager, and she, of course, said it would have been overwhelming. I mean, people were literally running up to store yelling, "Is there a cow dying up here? Someone call 911!" Well, not literally, but that is what it sounded like.
Anyway, after the party my daughter did, in fact, get her ears pierced as you will note from the picture. They pierce both ears at once because little girls have been known to settle for just one ear pierced after they realize how much pain the process actually is. I really couldn't believe how brave my daughter was through it all. Not once did she ever consider not going through with it. You can see from the picture that it was a little painful for her, but after it was done she was thrilled.
So, all in all, it was a good night. My daughter got her ears pierced, and I got to see the spectacle that is a Libby Lu birthday party. I have a feeling my daughter will put me through that again.
Posted by snackeru at January 28, 2005 8:19 AM | Life
Go on your roof to drink? Please, mine is soooo much cooler and more condusive for that. I can see how you thought it might have been me, given that there was no footprints in the snow on your roof...
Posted by: Cheesehead Craig at January 28, 2005 9:51 AM
What? I'll have you know that my roof is where it is at! The party-fun potential of your roof is shockingly low.
And I wouldn't have seen any footprints if you had come up the back. You'll recall, I was looking at the chimney from the front.
Posted by: Shane at January 28, 2005 11:05 AM
Puleaze! Your roof has no shade, your chimney is going to collapse at any moment, and mine has natural seating areas. Plus, mine has the natural escape route of the maple tree.
Anyway, I don't know why you think you can handle the roof. You have no natural athletic balance and would probably just fall off and sue me.
Posted by: Cheesehead Craig at January 28, 2005 11:26 AM
What? My chimney is rock solid! I worked hard on repairing that and the only thing that will take it down now is a jack hammer.
If you want birds to crap on your head or squirrels to attack you, then your roof would be ideal. At least with my roof I can see the stars, or the fireworks on the 4th of July. Plus my roof overlooks the entire neighborhood. I look out from my roof and survey my kingdom. And don't say anything nice about that stupid maple tree. That tree is the reason I'm still raking in early December. I'm going to start charging you by the leaf for all my extra work.
Your comment about my athletic ability is not worthy of a response.
Posted by: Shane at January 28, 2005 1:36 PM
Sure Shane, if you want to get burned to a crisp on your roof, be my guest. See your neighborhood? Well, with the sun burning out your retinas, that would be some trick there. See the stars? We're in the Twin Cities, those aren't stars, those are airplanes. I at least have some modicum of privacy with my wonderous trees. I also have the aesthetic wonders of being in a virtual treehouse. Face it, you have no argument, I win!
Posted by: Cheesehead Craig at January 28, 2005 3:54 PM
Dad seriosly, blog this! it is good! people wold love it!
Posted by: Alex Nackerud at January 29, 2005 8:31 PM