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September 19, 2005

My Very Bad Day

Part I

Yesterday started out with me going to church. I go to church with my family every Sunday, and it is usually a good way to start out the final day of the weekend. Yesterday, however, I knew I would be in trouble. My wife recently started working at our church as the Volunteer Coordinator, which means that I have to stay at church all morning, from 8:00 to whenever the second service ends.

In other words, this was the first Sunday where I knew that I would miss the kickoff at 12:00 for the Vikings game.

This is very upsetting to me. So, during the second service I continually looked at my watch and prayed, yes prayed, that the pastor would have mercy on me and end his sermon in a timely fashion. When 12 noon rolled around I turned to my wife and angrily pointed at my watch. She angrily whispered back, "What do you want me to do, stand up and tell the pastor that my husband has a noon kickoff to attend to so could you hurry it up?"

So, I sat there and fumed a little bit. Meanwhile the pastor was still rambling on about how "no one should leave this church until they have been touched by Jesus." Blah blah blah...

I'm pretty sure I'm going to spend another couple of years in purgatory for my attitude. Anyway, the service finally ended, I herded the kids into the car, and turned on the radio only to find...

Part II

So, the Vikings were already down 14-0. This was cause for an undue amount of jubiliation from my wife who was pretty ticked off with me already. She is pretty sure that God decided to punish me, and I'm starting to think she is right.

The Vikings ... I can't believe it, but I think they are a really bad team. Offensively, defensively, it doesn't matter. They suck. And I don't usually repeat anything the usually stupid announcers say during the game, but I'm beginning to think they were right with at least one of their comments:

For six years Daunte Culpepper has been seeing the same defense, a defense designed to shut down Randy Moss. This type of defense has allowed Culpepper to flourish. Now, with Randy gone, Culpepper must adapt and he is having an extremely hard time doing that.

I know, that is the understatement of the year. And besides Culpepper, I don't care how good the Vikings could have played on offense they would have a very hard time overcoming a 37 point Bengal outburst even if Randy Moss was on the team. The high priced defense purchased in the off season flat out sucks. They are old and over paid.

But the bulk of my anger is uncharacteristically pointed at the coaches today. And I'm not even talking about Tice, I am talking about the idiot that is Steve Loney. Remember playing football in the backyard with your friends? Do you remember huddling up and pointing at your hand like it was the field, "OK, now Jim you go to the left a ways and then cut back. Jason, you go across the middle, and Ralph you go long. OK? Break!" I am convinced that this strategy, this backyard football diagram-a-play-on-your-hand strategy is better than anything that Steve Loney could come up with. I have no confidence in him. I think Daunte should just start playing backyard football.

But that is just me.

Part III

So, I stayed up to watch Tice on the Sports Wrap on channel 5. Truthfully I can't believe he even shows up for this show when the Vikings play so poorly. I would be livid and I would not want to answer questions from some sports anchor and "former NFL MVP" Rich Gannon. And speaking of which, right at the beginning of the show they turn to Rich to get his opinion and he says something to the effect, "Coach you've got to pull your team together and make sure they are all on the same page and just work your way through this."

I can't believe how stupid this comment is. It is so obvious it is painful. I half expect Tice to rip into Gannon, "Thanks for the insight Einstein. Do you mind repeating that so I can jot it down for future reference? You mean we've got to work through this? Genius!" But Tice just says, "You are absolutely right Rich..." I am amazed at how gracious Tice is in defeat.

Besides that, I also stayed up to watch the Sports Show with Sid, Dark Star, Reusse, and Stu Voight. Sid really criticized the Vikings for trading Randy Moss. Hindsight is 20-20. But Dark Star had a very interesting comment. He said that he has heard that Mike Ditka has already been contacted as Tice's replacement. Ditka ... I'm not so sure about that, but I am pretty sure that anything is better than Tice and Co.

By the way, Tice himself predicted that Jim Fassel would be his replacement on the Sports Wrap. Does he see the hand writing on the wall?

Part IV

So, I'm watching the Sports Show and it is getting close to 11:30 when I hear a tinkling up on the landing of the nearby staircase. I think to myself, "That sounds like water." And then I think "Oh great, my stupid cat is taking a leak outside the litter box again!"

I run to the stairs and look up only to see my middle son with his dilly-dangle hanging out peeing all over the stairs. Words cannot express my confusion and anger over this predicament.

I yell up, "Anders! What are you doing?!?!?!?" And then I answer my own question by saying, "You are peeing on the stairs!!!!"

By that time he has finished and he is kind of standing there in a daze so I run up and lead him back to his bed yelling the whole time, "What did you do that for?!?!?! What is wrong with you?!?!?"

Well, obviously he was sleep walking. He has done this at least two times before now (not peeing on the stairs, sleep walking). So, I got out the wet vac and cleaned up his mess. Believe me, cleaning up piss all over the stairs after a brutal Viking defeat is not what I (or anyone) want to be doing at 11:30 on a Sunday night.

And thus ended my very bad day.

(And no, Anders did not remember anything of this when he woke up this morning.)

• Finally, if you are here to read about stadiums, have no fear I will be writing more about that in the days to come. Until then check out a Podcast of me with Mr. Cheer Or Die that was recorded last Friday. We talk exclusively about stadium issues for almost 30 minutes. Long time readers of this blog probably won't learn anything new. And also, I'm a little surprised at how my voice sounds. I didn't think I sounded that whiny. Oh well, give it a listen if you are interested...

Posted by snackeru at September 19, 2005 8:42 AM | Life


Let me suggest that next Sunday you do housework between noon and 3PM. That's what I did this week. I had the TV on. I folded clothes, ironed, vacuumed, cleaned closets, did a couple of maintenance tasks. As the game got completely out of hand, I focused more and more on the work I was doing. My wife was so happy! Plus, I didn't have to concentrate on the carnage.

Posted by: SBG at September 19, 2005 9:29 AM

There is a relatively simple answer for your church quandry: purchase a second vehicle. That way, following the end of the first service, you can leave. You can even volunteer to take the children with you, which your loving and kind wife would certainly appreciate. I have used this strategy for the last several years, although it easier for me, as my church only has one service on Sunday at 10am.

Out of respect for the sanctity of the church service, I try hard not to think of the Vikings until worship is over. Of course, my strategy back-fired yesterday when the Vikes were hammered after I did not think of them at all in church. Perhaps I will have to go back to my old strategy of actively praying for them during worship; I always preface my comments to the Almighty: "I know you have more important things, but..." Perhaps the power of prayer will bring about a victory versus the Saints next Sunday.

Curt in Grand Forks

Posted by: Curt Hanson at September 19, 2005 10:07 AM

RE: Part IV - I did the same thing when I was a kid, except I went in the clothes hamper instead of on the stairs, and I also did not remember it the next morning. And Daunte Culpepper was supposed to be the centerpiece of my fantasy football team, so I can empathize with your frustration over his play. Unfortunately, it looks like this won't be the year where the Vikings make it back to the Superbowl to lose again, but hang in there, and take some solace in the fact that the Packers also look miserable so far.

Posted by: Tim M at September 19, 2005 11:49 AM

You should have gone to see Billy Idol with me. He sang away my football blues.

Posted by: Cheesehead Craig at September 19, 2005 12:43 PM

You sure Anders wasn't channeling Onterrio Smith, the original Whizz-o-nator?

Posted by: Brian Maas at September 19, 2005 2:36 PM

"By the way, Tice himself predicted that Jim Fassel would be his replacement on the Sports Wrap."

Did you infer that or did Tice actually utter those words?

Posted by: TwinsJunkie at September 19, 2005 3:23 PM

SBG -- I must admit that I cleaned my bathroom halfway through the third quarter. I took out all my frustration on that soap scum and it felt good! But you're right, I should clean more while I'm watching the game. I mind as well get something accomplished.

Curt -- I wish we could get a second car, but it just isn't in the budget. I could think of worse things than being stuck at church (on a Sunday of all days! the horror!), but it is especially painful on Viking game day. Needless to say, I won't have that problem this Sunday!

Tim -- Hilarious! So, do they grow out of it or do you still have this problem? I shudder to think where he will take a leak tonight. And it is a small comfort that the Pack are in the same predicament as the Vikings. I think it is true for both of us, though, that it is unacceptable that the Lions or the Bears could win the division, but especially the Lions. That would be a sure sign of the apocalypse. We need to make sure this doesn't happen.

CC -- Glad you liked the concert Craig. Did you dress up in your "night-club attire?" And if you did, what did your outfit look like?

Brian -- That is freaking hilarious! I think Anders is bringing new, and more accurate, meaning to the term "Whizzinator." Luckily I can laugh about it today, but last night I was so frustrated I didn't even know what to yell. I was seriously stuttering in disbelief.

TwinsJunkie -- He said it more in jest, something to the effect, "Yeah, I heard Jim Fassel will be my replacement. I better start packing." But you could tell the rumors are getting to him. Later on in the show he also said something that gave me pause. He said, all the Vikings coaches have families and that they all are doing their best to do their jobs and support their families. So, in other words, I'm sure it is no fun to hear that you are about to be fired, no matter how likely that possibility is.

Posted by: Shane at September 19, 2005 4:05 PM

Nah, no nightclub attire. Just jeans and a polo shirt. They weren't enforcing anything.

Posted by: Cheesehead Craig at September 19, 2005 5:02 PM

Unfortunately, it might be in the genes--your uncle Larry had the same problem as a kid--whizzing in waste baskets while sleepwalking!!

Posted by: mom at September 19, 2005 8:07 PM

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