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August 23, 2006

I'm convinced!

I can't stop watching. It is like passing by a train wreck ... I can't keep my eyes off of this spectacle. And even worse, I am now convinced. Yes, I have had a change of heart.

The future of Minneapolis

After listening to all the testimony I am now convinced that Minneapolis will literally blow up if we go through with this. I'm talking atomic bomb style. If we dig one shovel full of dirt ... KABOOM!!! In addition, all of the testimony tonight has also convinced me that after Minneapolis blows up Hennepin County will become a lawless, rancid smelling, rat infested wasteland. I am now convinced all of this will happen if we allow this plan to go forward. I fear for our future! Not only that, but monkeys and ninjas will run wild through our city streets killing and stealing bananas without anyone to stop them! It will be pure anarchy.

When this happens, people will look at America as a whole and say democracy is dead because after 10 years of debate and 1) the vote of the elected House of Representatives, 2) the vote of the elected state Senate, 3) the vote of the conference committee 4) the second vote of the House of Representatives and Senate, 5) the signature of the elected governor, and 6) the vote of the elected Hennepin County Commissioners ... well after all of these votes it is obvious that representative democracy is dead! How can this be denied?

Theocracies, autocracies, and dictatorships around the world will look at America and say, "Ha! Democracy doesn't work because Minnesota is building a place where people can watch a game, eat a hot dog, and spend time with their families and friends! We win!"

I am now convinced of all of this.

Hennepin County Commissioners, please find it in your hearts to do the right thing. I am praying for you. Because we all know that the Gorgons on the planet Nebulon will see us as a laughingstock if this plan goes through.

(There. I feel better now.)

And now for something a little different. What, I ask you, is the purpose of putting make up on? In other words, why do women wear makeup? Anyone? Yes, I think it can be agreed that women put makeup on to make themselves look better. In fact, I would wager that after a woman puts makeup on she says to herself, "There. I look better." Does anyone want to dispute this?

So, Curt in Grand Forks and I were at the Mall of America (boondoggle alert!) a few weeks ago with our wives. After a couple of hours walking through the mall, we decided to meet up again at Nordstroms, where Curt and I were stunned that people could live with themselves after charging $90 for a belt. And it was on sale! Simply stunning.

Anywho, our wives come up and inform us that they had just had some makeup applied at the cosmetic counter by a trained professional.

"How do we look?" they asked us.

Curt immediately answered, "Angelic!" While my response was:

"Vast improvement."

Now, much to my amazement, my answer was for some reason not the right thing to say. In fact, that would be an understatement. While they both agreed Curt's compliment was an adequate response to their question, my response was deemed grounds for divorce. Honestly, I will never understand women!

I ask you again: why do women put makeup on? To reiterate, it is my opinion that women put makeup on to make themselves look better. You would think then that the compliment of "vast improvement" would make my wife happy since I am telling her that her goal of looking better has been met. In fact, one could argue that the compliment "vast improvement" signifies that she has exceeded expectations. That she now looks phenomenal! Am I wrong?

Apparently I am. Anyway, I don't write this to argue the point. I write this as a word of warning to all the men out there: "vast improvement" is not a good compliment for your significant other.

Thanks for your time.

Posted by snackeru at August 23, 2006 9:38 PM


Vast improvement! LOL! Vast improvement is a term you would apply to the left side of the Twins infield or a new outdoor ballpark. Next time try:

Very nice.
You look nice.
You look beautiful.
You look great!

Helpful tips from your buddy, SBG.

Posted by: SBG at August 24, 2006 5:53 AM

You haven't been married long, have you?????

Just pretend that you didn't hear her the next time she asks a question like that....point out something else to change the conversation....hang yourself, whatever, it will be easier than dealing with the repercussions of that type of response that you provided.

It was funny to read about, however.

Posted by: John B. at August 24, 2006 7:20 AM

John B is correct. Selective Male Hearing, the tool that keeps most marriages intact.

"Hennepin County will become a lawless, rancid smelling, rat infested wasteland." It isn't already?

Posted by: freealonzo at August 24, 2006 7:32 AM

Vast improvement is what you say when the thing you are dealing with was at one time in complete and total disarray. When you get your new stadium an acceptable response is "vast improvement!!" Because the current one is a WRECK! All you Shane fans be aware- his other MAIN complement is "you look fine" or "it tastes fine". I hate the word "fine"! AHHHHHHH!!! So if you're looking to boost your self esteem avoid Shane at all costs.

John B.- We have been married 12 1/2 years!!! Isn't that long enough to know better?

Shane- Flowers heal all wounds!

Kumquat (that's what he calls me- does anyone know what a kumquat is and if it is cute or not?)

Posted by: Anonymous at August 24, 2006 7:51 AM

All I know is on Ben Folds' EP's he recorded he and his wife having a conversation when she called in the middle of a mixing session. It's lightly overtop of the music. She calls him a kumquat toward the end of the convo. I don't think it was a term of endearment.

Posted by: bjhess at August 24, 2006 8:09 AM

Shane, Shane, Shane...
Your wife is going to hire some ninja monkey's someday to attack you for your comments like this.

Posted by: Cheesehead Craig at August 24, 2006 9:27 AM

It seems to me that Curt's response was a compliment to his wife. Yours was actually more of a compliment to the makeup artisan. At least if the divorce does go through, you might start to rebuild at the makeup counter.

Posted by: walt-o-meal at August 24, 2006 1:08 PM

My response to that question was a classic! I'm sure I've put my foot in my mouth since then, however. Although not to the extent that you did! And remember that make-up won't be important when the world crumbles due to the lack of democracy in Hennepin County...

Curt in Grand Forks

Posted by: Curt Hanson at August 24, 2006 2:13 PM

Just saying hi to all the Greet Machiners. If anyone is interested check out summitbrewing.com for info on our 20th aniversary celebration on Harriet Island. Cake is headlining with Soul Asylum the Suburbs, Richard Thompson, Tapes 'n Tapes and the Alarmists (they are going to be huge, Shane). Hope to see some of the gang down there.

Posted by: Jiminstpaul at August 24, 2006 7:16 PM


You my friend, have a very interesting way of looking at things. I am so glad your wife is an understnading woman.

Much love!

Mrs. Curt (who looks particularily angelic today!)

Posted by: Mrs. Curt at August 25, 2006 12:34 PM

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