I really would like to eliminate this lack of smell on the West Bank! As nice as the brisk Minnesota air is, it can get, how do you say? Boring! Yes that's how you say it. Each day I walk through the West Bank area all but one of my senses are stimulated. I feel the cold, the leaves blowing in the wind, the wind, I see all of the bare trees, students rushing from class to class, I taste the snow flakes falling, the wind blowing in my mouth, I hear shoes against the concrete, bikes whizzing by me, but I don't smell shit. And if I do smell something, it's a strangers cologne/perfume and smells like shit. Where are the odors of flowers blooming? They're in the Spring. Right, okay then, where is the smell of bushes? Or leaves burning? Pine trees? Where are they?
I propose that the University purchases bushes that smell like apple cider. Or, that there are designated areas where we can burn leaves and fill the air with this smoky smell. And come winter/Christmas time, I charge the University to purchase 100 pine tress and line them up around the West Bank to fill its odorless void. These smells will be one of the U's best investments because smells have the power not only to arouse your appetite, put a smile on your face, or cause you to throw up, but they rejuvenate you. How many times have you gotten sleepy at night and were going to go to sleep, but then your nose became aroused by the smell of fresh baking cookies in the kitchen? Tell me you skipped out on a cookie and just went to sleep, and I'll call you a liar. Smell has power, and it's about time we invest in this power.
If none of the proposals are considered seriously and acted on, I charge the University to at least invest in an industrial air freshener that can be installed on top of Blegen Hall. If we can't naturally create these smells, then we must at least artificially provide our noses some simulation. The benefit to the industrial air freshener is that we'll be able to fill it with any odor we want, pine trees, lemon bliss, orange-apricot, vanilla cream, N.Y. cheesecake, Cinnamon Sticks, Gingerbread Men, N.Y. Sirloin, Wendy's, McDonald's, and the list goes on.
After typing all of those possible smells I think it would be best if the University invested in the industrial air freshener and forget about the natural smells. If the University does not purchase this industrial air freshener by December 1st I declare that I will then start to steal noses with my hands from all those who pass through the West Bank. And if they'll want their noses back, they'll have to say the magic word, but they'll never guess it. HAhahahahahahahahaha!
-What the "F"!?! It's an Ambidextrous Baby!!! Do the test again. Tap its cheeks and the bottom of its two feet at the same time and if both sides of its body responds equally then it's an Ambidextrous Baby, the most threatening human being known to man.
(Test is conducted.)
-What the "F"!?! It is an Ambidextrous Baby. Both its right and left brain are equally engaged in all situations of life. It'll be a genius at math and at art. It'll be to threatening of a human being. It'll have too much potential society won't know what to do with it. It must be eliminated.
(The Ambidextrous Baby is eliminated.)
-What the "F"!?! We just killed a baby.
--But it wasn't just any baby, it was an Ambidextrous Baby.
If you look carefully, you will notice something that resembles, No, you will notice faces. Think of how many times you or one of your friends have pointed out a design pattern in an exterior surface, such as a wall or ceiling that resembles a face. The faces may not look like perfect human faces, but nor do all human faces. If this hasn't occurred to you yet, I suggest you look more carefully at your surroundings. I don't believe these design patterns resemble faces, but instead they are faces. They're either the dead, or your subconscious beings/ multiple personalities embodied by paint chippings, cracks, dents, mysterious paint jobs, and the list goes on. So next time you're doing anything illegal, such as spray painting public buildings, urinating on public buildings, or even masturbating in your own bedroom be more aware of who else is watching you. And once you become aware, don't ignore them, engage in dialogue with them, they're faces too. This is why I never thought it to be weird when I caught someone talking to a wall or ceiling or tree. Faces, they're everywhere.