IT Muses....

I would really like to eliminate ignorance. It's ignorance -not money- that's the root of all "evil". Darfur? A human rights catastrophe that began when the SLA took up arms in order to assert the rights of black African Sudanese, whom they accused the government of discriminating against in favor of Arabs.

 

First mistake. Justifiable grievance, poor choice of response. Gun diplomacy seldom leads to anything good (See Iraq, Afghanistan, Vietnam, etc., mission accomplished????).

 

Their enemies? Government troops, and a vicious Afro-Arab militia known as the Janjaweed. Catch that? Afro-Arab, as in mixed Arab and Black ancestry. They're part black African, yet they hate black.....

 

What about the "Tea Baggers"? Glen Beck, Sarah Palin, Rush, Fox News.... Religious zealots of ALL stripes. If your god is so powerful, let him/her/it, deal with the "sinners". If they did in fact create the universe, I think they can get along without your help, bigotry, and ignorance....

 

If you look carefully you'd notice that all the porn shops have closed down. The internets have killed the sleazy bookshops. No more Doctors sneaking into the back room of Shniders to indulge that deep, dark, desire. What's wrong with dwarf porn? Dwarves can't be sexy? Hows about an 80 years old woman in a garter belt and stockings? Hmm, I'm all tingly. And lets not forget those oh so sexy shemales. Then there are those pesky same sex fantasies.... Bi? Gay? Closeted? Here's to the one hand web surfers who've made our down towns less..... What?

 

IT Says.....

If you look closely, you just might see a shovel.

Every Minnesota house has at least two shovels -- a large plastic shovel for shoveling snow, and an even larger metal shovel for swatting mosquitoes. Occasionally, some Minnesotans can been seen using snow blowers to remove snow. All native Minnesotans know that these impostors are not natives and are simply immigrant wannabe Swedes (or Norwegians). In areas with a lot of mosquitoes (everywhere), there is also a shovel used for digging graves for all the mosquitoes that have been swatted, blow torched, electrically discontinued, or otherwise relieved of their general ability to suck blood forevermore. Norwegians (or Swedes) are experts at mosquito genocide; despite this, there are always more. It is believed, "themmosquitoes come from them there cities down there where the bad people are," says many a Swede living at the very Northern most top of Minnesota, also known as the part of Minnesota where cheaper drugs and legal ones at that, are just a quick drive away. The reason? There are no swedes (or Norwegians, which I think you understand at this point) in the Land of 10,000 Lakes.
Minnesnowta has a lot of lakes. So many, in fact, that the official counting ceased due to lack of funding. 10,000 is more of a guesstimation. The lakes are frozen-over 6 months (winter), and evaporated 6 months a year (Road Construction). Legend has it that these lakes were created by the footsteps of Paul Bunyan as he stomped through the state, maliciously cutting down trees. This, of course, is all hogwash! Scientists believe that the numerous lakes in Minnesota were actually created by a large meteor storm. This meteor storm was likely an early attempt by God to get rid of the pesky and annoying insect (AKA the state bird), the mosquito. As it did not quite do the job, the end result has been that the mosquitoes now have an even larger breeding ground.

What the "F"?!??!


Young men and women tend to gather in social cliques in order to copulate with maximum efficiency. A University enhances this efficiency; manifesting itself in four key aspects:

1. Proximity. Demographics show that there is a statistical trend toward even distribution of ages throughout a geographical area. This is to say that without external forces operating on a given environment, in any given area there will be a static proportion of hot college students, and wrinkly old grandmas. Thus, by gravitating college-age students toward a central school, they can more easily locate one another and successfully engage in coitus.

2. Liberty. Students living in a central area can escape the authoritarian mandates of their parental figures, who generally impede upon sexual prowess. For example, using the pickup line "I live in my mother's basement," is a significant impediment to success in sexual negotiations.

3. The Keynesian Magnification Principle. The Keynesian Magnification Principle essentially states that the larger the group of horny individuals, the hornier each individual becomes. This means that at a large college, libido levels are astronomically high- throbbing even.

4. Knowledge storage. While bright eyed individuals enter their University careers supplied with ample self confidence and a strong connection to the Tao, the ideal undergraduate leaves the institution broken- knowing they know nothing. Knowledge is sucked from students minds though a devices known as 'graduation requirements', 'standardized testing', and 'A-F grading systems'. There is the reason students are forced to spend so much time around the libraries. Books. Books may be disconnected from the reality of the present, but they supposedly contain high volumes of an abstract substance known as 'book smarts'. If one isn't 'book smart' then (according to the University) they aren't allowed to be considered ' smart smart'. Being smart smart is key to spreading wild oats. Smart smart students protect their knowledge fiercely though the use of arcane objects such as the gravity bong during secret rituals such as the Rambo shot.

I want to eliminate FACEBOOK.

There is a growing population of people affected by visiobibliophobia as a direct result of Facebook's existence. Facebook has been scientifically proven to cause severe brain death, zombisim, enslavement, and a general attitude of shambling monstrosity within mere seconds of joining the website.

Servitude.

Facebook has a high addiction rate. It is widely believed that when accessing Facebook, invisible cigarette fumes leak out of computer speakers and monitors. Thousands of users log on to Facebook without logging off for days, and others are unable to not check it everyday. It is currently being researched, while Mark Zuckerberg is being put on trial.

Facebook has also been linked to the higher likelihood of the carrier developing patterned behavior of substance abuse, mostly related to alcohol and depression. Carriers of the newly minted 'Facebook Gene' spread their mutation by posting drunken pictures of themselves and others on the Interweb in a process known as "tagging." Facebook has also been linked with several psycho-social conditions, including paranoia, schizophrenia, and listening to Sufjan Stevens.

There is a growing population of people spending an eternity in hell as a direct result of Facebook's existence.

  Subarticle: Expressing human emotions on Facebook:
  • Love: <3
  • Hate: </3
  • Happiness: =] (note: amount of "]"s represents exactly how happy the person is. =]]]
  • Sadness: =[
  • Confusion: =S or the apt statement "wtf" (
  • Anger: >=(
  • Laughter: xD or =D
  • Dick: 8===D~~
  • Boredom: ++$!
  • Boobs: (. Y .)

-N.M.

IT Asks.....

I really would like to eliminate this lack of smell on the West Bank!  As nice as the brisk Minnesota air is, it can get, how do you say? Boring! Yes that's how you say it.  Each day I walk through the West Bank area all but one of my senses are stimulated.  I feel the cold, the leaves blowing in the wind, the wind, I see all of the bare trees, students rushing from class to class, I taste the snow flakes falling, the wind blowing in my mouth, I hear shoes against the concrete, bikes whizzing by me, but I don't smell shit.  And if I do smell something, it's a strangers cologne/perfume and smells like shit.  Where are the odors of flowers blooming? They're in the Spring.  Right, okay then, where is the smell of bushes? Or leaves burning? Pine trees? Where are they?

 

I propose that the University purchases bushes that smell like apple cider.  Or, that there are designated areas where we can burn leaves and fill the air with this smoky smell.  And come winter/Christmas time, I charge the University to purchase 100 pine tress and line them up around the West Bank to fill its odorless void.  These smells will be one of the U's best investments because smells have the power not only to arouse your appetite, put a smile on your face, or cause you to throw up, but they rejuvenate you.  How many times have you gotten sleepy at night and were going to go to sleep, but then your nose became aroused by the smell of fresh baking cookies in the kitchen?  Tell me you skipped out on a cookie and just went to sleep, and I'll call you a liar.  Smell has power, and it's about time we invest in this power. 

 

If none of the proposals are considered seriously and acted on, I charge the University to at least invest in an industrial air freshener that can be installed on top of Blegen Hall.  If we can't naturally create these smells, then we must at least artificially provide our noses some simulation.  The benefit to the industrial air freshener is that we'll be able to fill it with any odor we want, pine trees, lemon bliss, orange-apricot, vanilla cream, N.Y. cheesecake, Cinnamon Sticks, Gingerbread Men, N.Y. Sirloin, Wendy's, McDonald's, and the list goes on. 

 

After typing all of those possible smells I think it would be best if the University invested in the industrial air freshener and forget about the natural smells. If the University does not purchase this industrial air freshener by December 1st I declare that I will then start to steal noses with my hands from all those who pass through the West Bank.  And if they'll want their noses back, they'll have to say the magic word, but they'll never guess it. HAhahahahahahahahaha!     

 

 -What the "F"!?!  It's an Ambidextrous Baby!!!  Do the test again.  Tap its cheeks and the bottom of its two feet at the same time and if both sides of its body responds equally then it's an Ambidextrous Baby, the most threatening human being known to man.  

(Test is conducted.)

-What the "F"!?! It is an Ambidextrous Baby.  Both its right and left brain are equally engaged in all situations of life.  It'll be a genius at math and at art.  It'll be to threatening of a human being.  It'll have too much potential society won't know what to do with it.  It must be eliminated.

(The Ambidextrous Baby is eliminated.)

-What the "F"!?! We just killed a baby. 

 

--But it wasn't just any baby, it was an Ambidextrous Baby.

 

 If you look carefully, you will notice something that resembles, No, you will notice faces.  Think of how many times you or one of your friends have pointed out a design pattern in an exterior surface, such as a wall or ceiling that resembles a face.  The faces may not look like perfect human faces, but nor do all human faces.  If this hasn't occurred to you yet, I suggest you look more carefully at your surroundings.  I don't believe these design patterns resemble faces, but instead they are faces.  They're either the dead, or your subconscious beings/ multiple personalities embodied by paint chippings, cracks, dents, mysterious paint jobs, and the list goes on.  So next time you're doing anything illegal, such as spray painting public buildings, urinating on public buildings, or even masturbating in your own bedroom be more aware of who else is watching you.  And once you become aware, don't ignore them, engage in dialogue with them, they're faces too.  This is why I never thought it to be weird when I caught someone talking to a wall or ceiling or tree.  Faces, they're everywhere.

 

-B.G.

 

Welcome To The Real

Who are we? We are The Collaborative. A group of concerned students launching an independant investigation into strange happenings that have been taking place on the West Bank of the Twin Cities campus.

 

We've Made our concerns known to those in authority, and we were ignored. Nothing more than silly pranks, or perhaps some sort of political statement THEY said. The members of The Collaborative believe otherwise.

 

We believe that the various displays that we've come across, hold a deeper meaning. No, we aren't suggesting that understanding will lead to any sort of enlightenment. Nor are we suggesting that the ultimate message will be in any way profound. What we are suggesting is that the person or persons responsible for these.... oddities, is trying to communicate a specific message or idea. 

 

In the coming weeks, we will document as many of these oddities as we are able. We'll attempt to decipher their meaning, and humbly request that all of you join us in this endavor.

 

Never give in, never give up, and never take anything at face value. IT IS REAL.

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