Every Minnesota house has at least two shovels -- a large plastic shovel for shoveling snow, and an even larger metal shovel for swatting mosquitoes. Occasionally, some Minnesotans can been seen using snow blowers to remove snow. All native Minnesotans know that these impostors are not natives and are simply immigrant wannabe Swedes (or Norwegians). In areas with a lot of mosquitoes (everywhere), there is also a shovel used for digging graves for all the mosquitoes that have been swatted, blow torched, electrically discontinued, or otherwise relieved of their general ability to suck blood forevermore. Norwegians (or Swedes) are experts at mosquito genocide; despite this, there are always more. It is believed, "themmosquitoes come from them there cities down there where the bad people are," says many a Swede living at the very Northern most top of Minnesota, also known as the part of Minnesota where cheaper drugs and legal ones at that, are just a quick drive away. The reason? There are no swedes (or Norwegians, which I think you understand at this point) in the Land of 10,000 Lakes. Minnesnowta has a lot of lakes. So many, in fact, that the official counting ceased due to lack of funding. 10,000 is more of a guesstimation. The lakes are frozen-over 6 months (winter), and evaporated 6 months a year (Road Construction). Legend has it that these lakes were created by the footsteps of Paul Bunyan as he stomped through the state, maliciously cutting down trees. This, of course, is all hogwash! Scientists believe that the numerous lakes in Minnesota were actually created by a large meteor storm. This meteor storm was likely an early attempt by God to get rid of the pesky and annoying insect (AKA the state bird), the mosquito. As it did not quite do the job, the end result has been that the mosquitoes now have an even larger breeding ground.
What the "F"?!??!
Young men and women tend to gather in social cliques in order to copulate with maximum efficiency. A University enhances this efficiency; manifesting itself in four key aspects:
1. Proximity. Demographics show that there is a statistical trend toward even distribution of ages throughout a geographical area. This is to say that without external forces operating on a given environment, in any given area there will be a static proportion of hot college students, and wrinkly old grandmas. Thus, by gravitating college-age students toward a central school, they can more easily locate one another and successfully engage in coitus.
2. Liberty. Students living in a central area can escape the authoritarian mandates of their parental figures, who generally impede upon sexual prowess. For example, using the pickup line "I live in my mother's basement," is a significant impediment to success in sexual negotiations.
3. The Keynesian Magnification Principle. The Keynesian Magnification Principle essentially states that the larger the group of horny individuals, the hornier each individual becomes. This means that at a large college, libido levels are astronomically high- throbbing even.
4. Knowledge storage. While bright eyed individuals enter their University careers supplied with ample self confidence and a strong connection to the Tao, the ideal undergraduate leaves the institution broken- knowing they know nothing. Knowledge is sucked from students minds though a devices known as 'graduation requirements', 'standardized testing', and 'A-F grading systems'. There is the reason students are forced to spend so much time around the libraries. Books. Books may be disconnected from the reality of the present, but they supposedly contain high volumes of an abstract substance known as 'book smarts'. If one isn't 'book smart' then (according to the University) they aren't allowed to be considered ' smart smart'. Being smart smart is key to spreading wild oats. Smart smart students protect their knowledge fiercely though the use of arcane objects such as the gravity bong during secret rituals such as the Rambo shot.
I want to eliminate FACEBOOK.
There is a growing population of people affected by visiobibliophobia as a direct result of Facebook's existence. Facebook has been scientifically proven to cause severe brain death, zombisim, enslavement, and a general attitude of shambling monstrosity within mere seconds of joining the website.
Facebook has a high addiction rate. It is widely believed that when accessing Facebook, invisible cigarette fumes leak out of computer speakers and monitors. Thousands of users log on to Facebook without logging off for days, and others are unable to not check it everyday. It is currently being researched, while Mark Zuckerberg is being put on trial.
Facebook has also been linked to the higher likelihood of the carrier developing patterned behavior of substance abuse, mostly related to alcohol and depression. Carriers of the newly minted 'Facebook Gene' spread their mutation by posting drunken pictures of themselves and others on the Interweb in a process known as "tagging." Facebook has also been linked with several psycho-social conditions, including paranoia, schizophrenia, and listening to Sufjan Stevens.
There is a growing population of people spending an eternity in hell as a direct result of Facebook's existence.
Subarticle: Expressing human emotions on Facebook:
- Love: <3
- Hate: </3
- Happiness: =] (note: amount of "]"s represents exactly how happy the person is. =]]]
- Sadness: =[
- Confusion: =S or the apt statement "wtf" (
- Anger: >=(
- Laughter: xD or =D
- Dick: 8===D~~
- Boredom: ++$!
- Boobs: (. Y .)