Something totally unexpected arrived today...

I wasn't quite sure what to do with this new arrival. I mean, it didn't come with any instructions - just showed up in a box. Naturally, my first reaction is that I should probably do with it what polar bears generally do with any other animal they encounter...

CPT Simer stopped me before I started eating and explained that the porpoise is actually a new soldier who's been assigned to my squad. Well, how was I supposed to know that? I wasn't expecting any replacements. True, Yogi was injured by an exploding picnic basket, but he returned to duty after receiving a few stitches.

It appears that the porpoise was in the IRR (Individual Ready Reserve). The Army called him up, trained him, and sent him over here as an individual rather than with a unit. I asked him his name, and he replied with a series of high-pitched noises that hurt my ears.

My first order of business was to figure out what this new soldier could do. It turned out that he didn't get very much training before coming here, so I decided to try training him on a few tasks. At first I tried training him to be a TOW missile gunner:

That didn't work out very well. He couldn't seem to look through the sight without some part of his body being in the backblast area.

Next I tried training him on the SAW (Squad Automatic Weapon)

That didn't work out very well, either. He couldn't look through the sight, and his flippers wouldn't even fit into the trigger well. I was beginning to wonder what he could do. Then I discovered something even worse: this new soldier doesn't even know how to wear a helmet! I could only cover my eyes and shake my head.

(I'm covering my eyes with a copy of Army Regulation 670-1)

I can see that this new soldier is going to be a real challenge....

Posted by Stone Cold at 10:35 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

I got one of those "Get to Know your Friends" surveys in my email the other day and thought I'd share my responses...

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* NAME: Stone Cold

1. WHAT TIME DID YOU GET UP THIS MORNING? 0510
2. DIAMONDS OR PEARLS? I can't eat either one, so I really don't care.
3. WHAT WAS THE LAST FILM YOU SAW AT A THEATER? "Ice Age."
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE T. V. SHOW? Anything on the Discovery Channel
5. WHAT DID YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST? A 30-egg omelette
6. WHAT IS YOUR MIDDLE NAME? Freezing
7. FAVORITE CUISINE? Arctic
8. WHAT FOOD DO YOU DISLIKE? Anything lean
9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR? White
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CD AT THE MOMENT? The soundtrack from "Cold Mountain."
11. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE? A Yukon, of course.
12. FAVORITE LUNCH? Grilled cheese and seal sandwiches
13. WHAT CHARACTERISTICS IN PEOPLE DO YOU DISLIKE? Not tasting good.
14. MY FAVORITE PAST-TIME IS: Eating
15. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD ON VACATION, WHERE WOULD YOU GO? Spitsbergen. It's my ancestral homeland.
16. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE SINGER(S)? Vanilla Ice, Ice Cube, Ice-T
17. FAVORITE BRAND OF CLOTHING? I don't wear clothes
18. TO WHERE WOULD YOU RETIRE? The Arctic National Wildlife Refuge
19. WHAT WAS YOUR MOST MEMORABLE BIRTHDAY? My 2nd, when I killed my first seal all by myself.
20. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? Hockey and wrestling.
21. FURTHEST PLACE YOU ARE SENDING THIS? Minnesota
22. PERSON YOU LEAST EXPECT TO SEND IT BACK TO YOU? Raya, since she isn't used to talking to bears.
23. PERSON YOU EXPECT TO SEND IT BACK FIRST? Christine
24. GOAL YOU HAVE FOR YOURSELF? To eat as much as I can, stay cool, and maul a few insurgents
25. WHEN IS YOUR BIRTHDAY? December 11th
25a. ANY FAMOUS PEOPLE SHARE YOUR BIRTHDAY? Nobody better try to muscle in on MY birthday!
26. HOW MANY WEDDINGS HAVE YOU BEEN IN, INCLUDING YOUR OWN ? I was going to be a ringbearer at Josh and Kelly's wedding, but I ate the ring.
27. ARE YOU A MORNING PERSON OR A NIGHT PERSON? Here I'm a night person, because it's too darned hot during the day!
28. WHAT IS YOUR SHOE SIZE? 87
29. PETS: None. I am one.
30. ANY NEW AND EXCITING NEWS YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE WITH US? I broke into the freezer at the dining hall last night and not only did I have a good meal, but I had the best night's sleep I've had since arriving here!
31. WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE ? bigger.
32. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? Hot. and hungry
33. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CANDY? Seal-flavored jelly beans
34. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PLANT OR FLOWER? I don't eat plants or flowers, so it doesn't matter much
35. WHAT DAY ON THE CALENDAR ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO? Whenever it starts getting cooler here.
36. WHERE IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE EVER BEEN FROM HOME? Basra, Iraq
37. A SMALL THING YOU REALLY ENJOY? Getting a letter from Milkshake
38. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BOOK? "Call of the Wild," and "Polar Bear, Polar Bear, What do you Hear?"
39. WHAT ARE YOU MOST PROUD OF? Beating up another bear for the right to marry Milkshake
40. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ALBUM? Whichever Foreigner album had "Cold as Ice"
41. WHAT MAKES YOU CRINGE? Global warming
42. IF YOU COULD DO ANYTHING, WHAT WOULD YOU DO? Eat
43. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN THAT YOU WILL VISIT AGAIN? Norway
44. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN THAT YOU WILL NEVER VISIT AGAIN? Iraq
44. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE? Ice Age, Cool as Ice,The Ice Harvest, The Day After Tomorrow
45. WHICH CAME FIRST, THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG? The bear that surprised and ate both of them.
46. HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU MADE SMILE TODAY? None yet. Usually I make people scream.
47. WHEN YOU LOOK AT THE WORLD, WHAT DO YOU SEE? Something that needs more snow and ice
48. CATS OR DOGS? Cats - I get nervous around dogs.
49 GOOD OR BAD? Hungry.
50. SOMETHING PEOPLE PROBABLY DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU? I ran away from home when I was just an adolescent because my older siblings kept beating me up. I ended up leaving Alaska for Minnesota because I thought White Bear Lake sounded like a great place to live. That was where Kelly found and adopted me.

Posted by Stone Cold at 08:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Hello everybody! Things here in Iraq are going pretty well. It's still very hot, and I still don't get enough to eat, but at least I get to work in an air-conditioned office! As you know from a couple of messages ago, I've been assigned to work on the brigade staff. I work with my friend, CPT Simer, in the plans office.

Here's another picture of me working in the plans office.

The Brigade S5, MAJ Kastberg, has given me a new mission: keeping an eye on CPT Simer. I sit on his desk watching him type powerpoint slides - he does that all day long. Just typing and clicking. It's really boring. My job is to watch him, and whenever he stops typing or clicking, I whack him in the head with my paw (you can see that I have my paw raised in this picture - when it was taken, I could see CPT Simer was slowing down).

I can't say it's the most glamorous job, but at least I get to stay in the air conditioning.

After a few hours of this, CPT Simer bribed me to give him a break for a while.

What can I say - he knows my weakness. It was only a short break, though - I'm sure MAJ Kastberg wouldn't mind if he found out.

Oops, I gotta go. CPT Simer just stopped typing again.

Posted by Stone Cold at 10:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

August 10th was a fun day! CPT Simer and I got to take a trip to Basra! Basra is the second-largest city in Iraq. It’s wayyyy down in the southern tip of Iraq, near the Persian Gulf. It’s right near where the two famous rivers, the Tigris and the Euphrates, come together. Because of this, some people say this was the site of the Garden of Eden! That goes to show you how much things can change in 6,000 years.

I didn’t enjoy the trip to Basra at all. I had to ride in a HMMWV. Even Josh thought the HMMWV was cramped, and he only weighs 168 lbs. Imagine how I felt! And it was really hot, too!

I had a good time once we arrived, though. Basra is where a lot of British soldiers are stationed! I liked the British soldiers. They seemed to be good humored. Their units have really funny names. I met one soldier who said he was from the “Dorsetshire and Devons,” and another who was a “Queen’s Royal Hussar.” I’m not sure what a Hussar is, nor why a Queen would want a royal one. Maybe Hussars are good to eat?

CPT Simer had some meetings with British officers there, but I can’t tell you what the meetings were about. At one meeting there was an Australian officer! It was fun to meet him. When the meeting was over, he said, “I’m going to go down to the cookhouse and secure us a table, mates. I’ll meet you there.” CPT Simer had to explain to me what a cookhouse was. And also, being a polar bear, “mate” means something very different than it does to Australians!

After the meetings, we had lunch with some British, Australian, and Danish officers. The chow hall there served fish and chips. I love fish and chips! Not as much as grilled cheese sandwiches or raw seal blubber, but I do like it a lot. And naturally it was served with tea. I’m afraid I drank too much tea, which made the trip home a little rough for the other soldiers in my vehicle, but that’s the way it goes.

I couldn’t take any pictures in the British headquarters in Basra, but here’s a shot of me and CPT Simer in a parking lot at the Basra Airport:

On the way back to our camp, we stopped at an outpost to meet the soldiers there. While we were there, I took a turn pulling guard duty in one of the towers. Here is SPC Lindbom from A/2-135 Infantry, showing me where my sector of fire is:

And here’s a picture of me pulling guard duty with an M249 Squad Automatic Weapon:

Posted by Stone Cold at 01:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Hi, everybody! Sorry for the long delay in my "A Day in the Life" series. Milkshake (my wife) helps me post stuff to the internet, and she's been away taking the cubs to visit their grandparents in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. It was a very disappointing visit for her - you see, we've been living among humans for so long that we forgot polar bears don't keep the same kind of family ties that humans do. She had to wander around for several days just to find her parents. Then, when she found her dad, he growled at her for interrupting his supper and chased her and the cubs away! They had a much better time with her mother, fortunately. She made them some grilled seal and cheese sandwiches, and they were able to visit for several hours before some oil workers scared them away.

Anyway, here's my next installment:

After personal hygiene, I go to breakfast. I'm not allowed to take pictures inside the dining facility, unfortunately. Breakfast is the only meal I'm allowed in the chow hall to eat. More on that later. Today I ate a 30-egg omelette and a sack of hash browned potatoes.

On this day I was working in the brigade headquarters, with my friend CPT Simer. He works in the plans section. We started off the day by reviewing the campaign plan. I had a suggestion for how we should change it that I wrote on the board. CPT Simer didn't think it was a good idea, but I'm sure it would have worked. Oh, well.

One of the people who works with CPT Simer is CPT Jerry Gunn. CPT Gunn is a logistics officer. He helps the combat arms officers incorporate logistics into their plans. It's a tough job - most of those combat arms officers are pretty simple-minded. And this is coming from a bear! Anyway, today I had a proposal for how the brigade should change an important aspect of their supply allocation. CPT Gunn considered it very carefully, but I don't think he agreed with my proposal. Sheesh, why do they even have me around if they're just going to shoot down all my ideas?

After working all morning, we come to my favorite time of day: lunchtime! I'm not allowed in the chow hall for lunch and dinner after the infamous "ice cream counter incident" - the less said about that, the better. So, CPT Simer has to get my meals in a to-go container. In this picture I've punched a hole in the top of a container and I'm waiting for a grilled cheese sandwich to come up for air.

Here I am eating a grilled cheese sandwich. I eat it similarly to how I eat a seal - I rip off the crusts and go for the most nourishing sections first. If I'm really hungry I'll eat the crusts later, but usually I let the arctic foxes nibble on them.

After lunch we have a meeting with the rest of the staff to discuss some of the plans we're working on. I wish I could show you some pictures of the meeting, but all the stuff we were talking about was secret! Oh, well. Here's a picture of me setting up for the meeting.

That meeting took a long time! The rest of my afternoon wasn't very interesting, and for supper I had - you guessed it - more grilled cheese sandwiches. Right after supper is when I gather the rest of my squad together and give them their assignments. As you can see, like many units here, my squad has been "chopped up" and assigned to a lot of different tasks...

That's about it for a typical day on the brigade staff! I wish I could show you more, but we really have to worry about OPSEC around here. Hopefully soon I'll be assigned to a different job where I can take more pictures.

Posted by Stone Cold at 01:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)