Something totally unexpected arrived today...

I wasn't quite sure what to do with this new arrival. I mean, it didn't come with any instructions - just showed up in a box. Naturally, my first reaction is that I should probably do with it what polar bears generally do with any other animal they encounter...

CPT Simer stopped me before I started eating and explained that the porpoise is actually a new soldier who's been assigned to my squad. Well, how was I supposed to know that? I wasn't expecting any replacements. True, Yogi was injured by an exploding picnic basket, but he returned to duty after receiving a few stitches.

It appears that the porpoise was in the IRR (Individual Ready Reserve). The Army called him up, trained him, and sent him over here as an individual rather than with a unit. I asked him his name, and he replied with a series of high-pitched noises that hurt my ears.

My first order of business was to figure out what this new soldier could do. It turned out that he didn't get very much training before coming here, so I decided to try training him on a few tasks. At first I tried training him to be a TOW missile gunner:

That didn't work out very well. He couldn't seem to look through the sight without some part of his body being in the backblast area.

Next I tried training him on the SAW (Squad Automatic Weapon)

That didn't work out very well, either. He couldn't look through the sight, and his flippers wouldn't even fit into the trigger well. I was beginning to wonder what he could do. Then I discovered something even worse: this new soldier doesn't even know how to wear a helmet! I could only cover my eyes and shake my head.

(I'm covering my eyes with a copy of Army Regulation 670-1)

I can see that this new soldier is going to be a real challenge....