After all of my unsuccessful attempts to train the porpoise to do something useful, I finally had to confront him today.

“You can’t carry a weapon,” I said, “you can’t drive a vehicle, you can’t walk, and you can’t even wear a helmet. Do you have ANY skills?”

The porpoise made his usual series of ear-splitting high-pitched noises, and then he did this:

That’s hardly a useful skill! As a matter of fact, it’s kind of scary that I didn’t know about this before I tried to take him on that night patrol. With all those flashing colored lights, he could have given away our position. It could have been a disaster!

What on earth could I do with this soldier? After much thought, I decided that I would do with him what the humans seem to do with people who lack any useful skills… I assigned him to the brigade staff.

I think he’ll fit right in.