A while ago, I wrote a memorandum to POLARCOM in which I wrote that in order to continue fighting insurgents, my squad would need air support. Surprisingly enough, my request was granted! Our air support arrived today:

The two pilots they sent are from the US. Their specialty is attack aviation, although their service records stated that they had experience in transporting other animals for various distances as well. After they reported to me, I asked them their names. They said, “SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!” Unfortunately, I don’t speak bird very well, so I had to consult a dictionary.

According to the dictionary, ““SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!” can mean one of two things:

1. “Our names are Tony and Reggie.”
2. “Two thousand caribou have just trampled through my favorite salmon stream.”

I figured that meaning #1 was what they intended.

As always, I asked them a little more about themselves.

Tony is a Red-Tailed Hawk from Colorado. He has been an Army aviator for about six years. He likes to soar really high and to dive fast. When I told him that I was from Minnesota, he told me that he has always been a big fan of gophers.

Reggie is from Alaska. He is a Bald Eagle, and he says that he was named for a very famous Eagle. He has been an aviator for about five years. Like Tony, he didn’t go to the US Army aviation school at Fort Rucker, Alabama, because he was born an aviator. In his spare time, he enjoys fishing.

I was sure excited to have these two join my squad. Unfortunately, it turned out that they, too, had not received any training on how to identify friendly forces in Iraq! This time, though, I anticipated that and I was able to intervene in time.

Fortunately, Steve and the porpoise were both uninjured.

I gave Reggie and Tony a quick class on recognizing friendly forces.

Sheesh, they really need to do a better job training some of these soldiers before their deployments!

Posted by Stone Cold at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Today was a great day! I finally got my promotion!

Promotion in the US Army is much more complicated than I am used to. In the Bear Army, it's simple - if you can beat up your squad leader, you become the squad leader. If you can beat up your platoon sergeant, you become the platoon sergeant, and so on. If you can beat up other bears AND do "Powerpoint," you're eligible to be an officer. In the US Army, to get promoted to Sergeant or Staff Sergeant you need to be recommended by your commander, you need to get enough "points" (you get points by shooting your weapon well, earning awards, and things like that), and you usually need to go to a promotion board. Well, I finally met the requirements for BOTH armies, so I was able to get promoted.

We had an informal ceremony with a few members of my squad and some of my human friends from the Brigade. Here is a picture of us standing in formation. Captain Simer has called me "front and center," in front of my squad and my friends Sergeant Schilling and Sergeant 1st Class Pasch. We're standing at attention because Sergeant Major Bell is reading my promotion orders (Sergeant 1st Class Clevenger took all the pictures).

And here is a picture of CPT Simer and SGM Bell pinning my new rank on!

In POLARCOM, it is traditional that after promoting someone, you whack him really hard with your paw. It's just a ritual we have. I had explained this to CPT Simer, so he thought it would be neat to observe that tradition. Here he is whacking me with his paw. He didn't hit me very hard, though.

Unfortunately, I apparently forgot to tell CPT Simer that it is also traditional for me to whack him back...I guess he wasn't ready for that.

I checked on him and he seemed to still be breathing, so he must have been OK. I haven't seen him back at the office yet, though.

After the promotion ceremony, I tried to buy pizza for my squad, but the people at the Tallil Pizza Hut laughed at me when I tried to order "Six large pizzas… one with seals, one with milk-bones, one with eucalyptus, one with grass, one with haggis, and one with anchovies and tuna." Oh, well.

It's great to be recognized with a promotion! I'm also glad for the extra pay. Right now, Milkshake is able to go out onto frozen lakes in Minnesota and whack walleye and northern pike to eat, but when summer comes along we'll really need the extra 2 arctic dollars per month to feed our two new cubs. That doesn't sound like a big increase unless you know that one arctic dollar is enough to buy an entire adult seal (with blubber). Since polar bears can live for days to weeks after eating a single seal, 2 arctic dollars per month is a LOT of money!

Posted by Stone Cold at 10:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

Well, today was a pretty good day. My whole squad cheered up because we got care packages in the mail! Mine had cookies in it! I love cookies!

After I ate the cookies, I ate the bag they came in. Then I ate the peanut butter crackers, and the drink mix. Even the box tasted pretty good from having all that food in it!

The porpoise also got a care package:

Hooray for care packages!

(Note: I still don’t have a mailing address for humans to send me care packages. I am able to get them from Milkshake because POLARCOM sends my mail over. There's a reindeer-drawn sleigh that does a weekly cargo flight from the North Pole to Tallil, to deliver mail and supplies. Unfortunately, humans are not allowed to send cargo on that sleigh. Sorry!)

Posted by Stone Cold at 08:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I am VERY excited that THE BEARS will be playing in the Super Bowl. I especially liked the headline on MSNBC Sports: "Bears Maul Saints."

The bears will be up against the colts. I read somewhere that colts are young male horses. I could probably take one down with a single whack of my paw. They don't even have any claws, so how they think they can beat a bunch of bears is beyond me. I guess we'll find out in a couple of weeks!

Posted by Stone Cold at 10:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Actually, I left something important out of my last message. I knew about the extension even before the email came from POLARCOM. Apparently there was a mixup at POLARCOM HQ, and they told the Arctic media about our extension before they bothered to tell me. So I actually heard about it first from my wife - she read it in the Tundra Tribune (our local newspaper) and wrote to me to see if I had heard the news. Naturally I was caught by surprise, but when I followed up on it with my chain of command, it turned out that she was right. Below is her email to me:

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Dear Stone Cold,
Grrr?
Love,
Milkshake

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And my reply (after discovering that it was, in fact, true):

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SGT(P) Stone Cold
Animal Squad Leader, 1/34 BCT

Posted by Stone Cold at 03:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

We got some disappointing news today. My squad has had our tour extended. That means we're not going to go home in March, like we had expected. It's a little disappointing, but the humans in our Brigade found out they were getting extended last week, so it was only a matter of time for us. I got the message in an email from POLARCOM HQ, and I had to break the news to my squad. Most of them were out on missions, but I gathered together the ones who were available to make the announcement in person.

After I read them the announcement, I let my soldiers read it for themselves...

The porpoise didn't seem very surprised. He made a few of his usual high-pitched noises and then flolloped away (flolloping is how porpoises get around while they are on land. It's hard to describe - you really just have to see it to know what it is).

Winston made some remark about fighting on the beaches, in the fields, and in the hills, and never surrendering. I'm not sure what he was talking about, since there are no beaches, fields, or hills near here...but in all, he seemed to take the news well.

Snort kicked the announcement a few times and then wandered off.

Steve had the most positive reaction of them all...he didn't even ask to read the message himself. He just said, "No worries, mate! Cheers!"

Ian, on the other hand, had the sort of reaction I guess I should have expected from a Terrier...

Oh, well. I'm sure he’ll be fine after a few days.

Posted by Stone Cold at 11:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Another coalition soldier arrived today! I went to meet him at the airport. This coalition soldier turned out to be from a Danish battalion:

I greeted him and then went to get a vehicle so that he wouldn’t have to carry all of his bags.

While I was gone, Snort came by…

Unfortunately, it appears that the Army deployed Snort without giving him any training on how to identify members of the coalition! I can’t believe they would leave out something so important. Before I could do anything, there was a misidentification and a terrible tragedy occurred.

Poor guy.

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01/08/06 FOLLOW-UP TO THIS INCIDENT: Snort was repremanded for his actions. See the report below...

1/34 BCT Military Justice Log

A Red Bull Soldier from Animal Squad, 1-34 Brigade Troops Battalion, received a field grade article 15 for improperly devouring another coalition soldier. Although the soldier demonstrated that his training in coalition identification was inadequate, he nevertheless failed to achieve positive identification before devouring. The soldier also failed to demonstrate that he perceived an imminent threat of attack or of starvation. Soldier was reduced to private (E-1), received a forfeiture of half a month’s pay for two months (twenty bales of hay), was given 45 days of extra duty, and was sentenced to be shocked with an electric cattle prod seven times (this punishment was suspended for 6 months).

Posted by Stone Cold at 10:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)