Most of you probably don't know this, but the 27th of February is Polar Bear Day! That's one of my favorite holidays. It commemorates the day, thousands of years ago, when Polar Bears declared their independence from Grizzlies! Who can forget those stirring words in the preamble to the Polar Bear Declaration of Independence:

"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr."

Or, translated:

"We hold these truths to be self-evident: That all Bears are created equal, that all other animals are created as food for Bears, and that Bears are endowed with certain unalienable rights, chief among these being the right to life, liberty, pursuit of happiness, enough to eat, and the right to Bear arms."

Unfortunately, the US Army doesn't recognize Polar Bear Day, but I was able to take a few minutes to have my own private celebration. The nice folks at National Geographic sent me a calendar with a bunch of pictures of me, and I took some time to look at those and think of the memories they brought to mind…

This picture really made me miss my mom:

I remember Polar Bear Day when I was a cub. We'd go to the local park where all the bears were gathered to celebrate. We'd have fireworks, music, and – my favorite – deep-fried seal pups on a stick! In my town the highlight of the day was when a specially chosen bear would put on a long coat and top hat, and growl the words of the Gettysburg address (history has tended to understate the role of polar bears in that battle).

It was also the one day of the year that my siblings wouldn't beat me up.

As I've mentioned before, I was the littlest of triplets. The smallest Polar Bear in a litter of triplets rarely survives – I knew that if I was going to make it, I would have to run away from home. So I packed up all my things (which didn't take long, because Polar Bears rarely have any possessions), and left. I had to swim part of the way. Polar Bears are all excellent swimmers and we love the water (the colder, the better):

That's why our scientific name is Ursus Maritimus, which means "sea bear" or "water bear."

Fortunately for me, a nice woman named Kelly found me wandering along the side of the road and adopted me. Thanks to her, I was able to finish my schooling. After I graduated, I enlisted in the Army, as most polar bears do. Here is a picture of me in Basic Training, learning hand-to-hand combat:

I served for a little while on active duty, and I was stationed on Spitsbergen. I had some good buddies who were in my platoon. Here's a picture of us hanging out together:

After I left active duty, I moved to Minnesota. I got a part-time job as a security guard and tried to start a pest control business, offering to help people take care of nuisance seals. Unfortunately, nuisance seals are not much of a problem in Minnesota, but I've been able to branch out and have learned to deal with nuisance gophers, squirrels, deer, coyotes, and noisy neighbors. It was after I moved back to Minnesota that I met Milkshake through "PBDate," the world's leading Polar Bear singles network. Here's a picture of Milkshake and I while we were dating:

I miss my buddies. I especially miss Milkshake. But I also miss those days that I used to spend just being lazy, soaking up the sun, and enjoying being a Polar Bear:

*SIGH*

Suddenly, my squad members surprised me! They remembered that it was Polar Bear Day and they made a cake for me!

MAJ Simer wanted to take a picture of the cake, but he wasn't fast enough. *BURP*

For more about Polar Bears and our culture, you can check out the following websites:
-National Geographic Creature Feature
-SeaWorld Animal Information Database

This turned out to be a pretty good Polar Bear Day after all! I hope you had a good one, too. As Abearham Lincoln said in the Gettysburg Address, "Grrrrrr!"

HAPPY POLAR BEAR DAY!

Posted by Stone Cold at 01:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (0)

I get lots of questions about myself, my job, my family, and this blog. Here are the answers to some of the most common questions I receive from my fans. Enjoy!

Q: In pictures with your wife, Milkshake, it always looks like she is much bigger than you. Is she?
A: That’s actually an optical illusion brought on by camera angles and lighting and other stuff like that. I am actually around 1100 pounds, which is on the larger side of average for a male polar bear. Milkshake is around 700 pounds, which is a little more typical for a female.

Q: Where were you born?
A: It’s kind of hard to tell because polar bears don’t pay attention to borders, but I think I was born in Alaska.

Q: Where have you lived?
A: I’ve lived in Alaska, Canada, Minnesota, and now Iraq.

Q: How did you end up in Minnesota?
A: It’s kind of a long story. I was the littlest of triplets, and my older siblings kept beating me up. I knew I had to run away from home- preferably far away. I looked at a map and saw a place called “White Bear Lake, Minnesota,” and that sounded like a great place for a polar bear to live. So I started out in that direction, but I got very lost. Kelly found me wandering along the side of the road near College Station, Texas, and adopted me. As luck would have it, she ended up moving to Minnesota, which is a much better climate for me than Texas!

Q: How did you end up in Iraq?
A: I was a member of a reserve unit of the Bear Army assigned to POLARCOM (Polar Command). POLARCOM works very closely with the US Army, and so when the US Army needed a few additional soldiers to go to Iraq with the 1/34 BCT, the commander chose my squad to mobilize.

Q: What do you eat in Iraq?
A: Whatever I can get my paws on! Mostly, I eat what CPT Simer and other soldiers are able to sneak out of the dining facility. I am not allowed in the dining facility any more after the infamous “ice cream counter incident.”

Q: How old are you?
A: I’m not really sure because polar bears don’t have a very good concept of time. I think I’m about five years old.

Q: What religion are you?
A: I worship the Spirit of the Great White Bear.

Q: How did you meet Milkshake?
A: W met through PBDate.com, “The leading Polar Bear singles network.”

Q: What is your civilian job?
A: My civilian job is pest control. Originally I tried to find work controlling nuisance seals. Unfortunately, nuisance seals are not much of a problem in Minnesota so I have had to branch out. I now have expanded my services to include nuisance squirrels, gophers, raccoons, deer… just about anything, really. It’s a good job because I get paid in cash, plus I get to eat any nuisance animals that I catch. I also work part-time as a security guard – it’s easy to see why I’m good at that.

Q: What is your rank?
A: I got promoted to Staff Sergeant in January!

Q: How do you tolerate the heat in Iraq?
A: I don’t tolerate it very well! I drink lots of water so I do not dehydrate, and when I am not on a mission I stay in the air conditioning as much as possible.

Q: How many cubs do you have?
A: Milkshake had cubs just a few months ago. Polar bears usually have twins, so now I have two cubs: Snowflake and Blizzard.

Q: Do you need anything in Iraq? Can I send you a care package? (I can get a good deal on seal sandwiches!)
A: Unfortunately, I do not have a mailing address in Iraq, so I can’t receive care packages.

Q: Are you related to Smokey the Bear (or Yogi the Bear, Paddington the Bear, Winnie the Pooh, the Care Bears, the Berenstein Bears, the Three Bears)?
A: We are very distant cousins, like all bears, but I didn’t know any of them until we all went to Iraq together.

Q: Why did you join the Bear Army?
A: I joined the Bear Army because I wanted to defend the things I believe in: Freedom, Justice, and Enough to Eat.

Q: What is Polar Command?
A: Polar Command is one of several commands in the Bear Army. Some of the others include Yellowstone Command, Rocky Mountain Command, and Wolong Command (which is located in China)

Q: What do you do for Polar Command?
A: I am a squad leader in a reserve unit assigned to POLARCOM. Right now my squad is deployed to Iraq.

Q: Where is Polar Command located?
A: I’m sorry, that’s classified information. I could tell you, but then I would have to eat you.

Q: Are you named after the wrestler (Stone Cold Steve Austin)?
A: No, I was named for where I was born.

Q: How is POLARCOM organized? How long has it been around? What other wars have polar bears fought in?
A: This slide presentation discusses the organization and history of POLARCOM and of polar bears at war: POLARCOM Powerpoint Presentation

Q: To whom does Major General Glacier (the POLARCOM commander) report?
A: He reports directly to the Head Polar Bear. He also has regular meetings with the US Secretary of Defense and the Canadian, Norwegian, and Danish defense ministers.

Q: Does the Head Polar Bear ever talk to the Head Beagle (from “Peanuts”)?
A: Yes, they have occasional contact – but only informally. There was once an attempt to bring all the animal species in the world together – sort of like the humans’ United Nations – but it soon failed. Some of the delegates just could not refrain from eating some of the other delegates (the sharks were mostly to blame).

If you have more questions, send me an email (stonecoldpbATgmailDOTcom) and I will try my best to respond!

Posted by Stone Cold at 08:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Today was another exciting day! My friend, CPT Simer, got promoted to Major today! I was really excited about it, so I asked if I could pin his new rank on. He agreed. Here are some pictures…

Here I am pinning his new rank on:

Major Simer and I right after the ceremony:

I was really excited, and I congratulated MAJ Simer in the traditional polar bear way… I guess once again, he wasn’t ready for that. Oops.

After he came to, MAJ Simer told me that I really need to do a better job of controlling myself. To make sure I would follow up on that, he told me that he was going to give me a written counseling statement:

Here he is writing the counseling statement.

I told MAJ Simer that I understood and promised that in the future, I would try harder to remember I’m working with humans, not other bears.

Sheesh. Humans are such wusses.

Posted by Stone Cold at 10:11 AM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

This doesn't impact me or my assignment, but I do have some friends who are involved in this mission. A recent article from The Polar Press:

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POLAR BEARS ASSUME ANTARCTICA PEACEKEEPING MISSION
Deployment to Maintain Peace Between Leopard Seals, Penguins; Implement Tierra Del Fuego Accords

Antarctica, 12 February, 2007 (PP*) – A company assigned to Polar Command arrived in Antarctica today for a peacekeeping mission that will see them monitoring implementation of the recent Tierra Del Fuego accords intended to halt the centuries-old conflict between leopard seals and penguins. The 130 bears of the Knud Rasmussen company, based in Greenland, splashed ashore yesterday from their LSI (Landing Ship, Iceberg) and immediately deployed to observation posts across the Antarctic.

“We are proud to be here to implement the peace,” read a translated statement prepared by CPT Frostbite, the company commander, “This war has resulted in countless and needless deaths, and we hope that the implementation of this peace will result in a new midnight dawn of freedom and prosperity for Antarctica, and provide hope to all animalkind.”

CPT Frostbite held a news conference in which he answered reporters’ questions about the mission. In response to a question about whether he was concerned that his unit could handle the task of separating the warring parties, he said, “both leopard seals and penguins must clearly understand that polar bears will be more than happy to eat anyone from either side who attempts to breach the tenets of the Tierra Del Fuego accords.”

Earlier today, a radical group known as the PFLP (Popular Front for the Liberation of Penguins) released a statement directly threatening the polar bears, stating that “any bear who attempts to thwart the just revenge of penguinkind for centuries of leopard seal oppression will meet the full force of our wrath.” CPT Frostbite seemed unfazed, responding directly to that threat by saying, “what are they going to do, peck at our paws? We brought plenty of band-aids.”

In response to a CNN reporter’s question about whether the climate and the environment was right for polar bears, CPT Frostbite explained that, while Antarctica is not part of polar bears’ natural rangge, the climate along the coastal regions was similar enough to their homeland that it would not require acclimatizing. He then reassured the Antarctic public that the bears would be well-supplied with food from home and would not need to forage locally.

The news conference was interrupted briefly when a CBS reporter attempted to ask a question and was promptly mauled to death and eaten.

Local reaction

Reaction to the polar bear deployment, and to the peace accords themselves, was mixed.

“I’m all for it,” stated one penguin, “thank goodness I can go fishing for anchovies now without having to worry about getting eaten myself.”

“Peace is a good thing,” stated another penguin, “but no matter what happens, we must never forget the Martyrs of the Rock,” referring to the 30,000 penguins who were killed in the now-legendary battle of Deception Island, which took place in 234 BC.

A seal who identified herself only as “ARK!” wished the polar bears luck and went on to say, “I will admit to having eaten a few penguins in my day, but their revenge attacks were getting increasingly vicious. I am perfectly willing to eat only fish if it means a safer world for my pups.”

Other seals, however, were more intransigent. “Leopard seals have evolved to eat penguins since time immemorial. If anyone expects me to stop just because of some flipper mark on a piece of paper, they’re sadly mistaken,” said one seal, who then promptly slid into the water and swam off before he could be identified.

3rd Deployment in 7 Years

This deployment represents the third in the last seven years for soldiers of the Knud Rasmussen company.

When asked about their thoughts on conducting a third deployment, the polar bear soldiers exhibited a range of emotions. One bear soldier merely shrugged. “Grrr,” he said, and then boarded a CH-47 helicopter with the rest of his squad for movement to a remote patrol base. Another bear soldier seemed less enthusiastic, growling at the reporter and then smashing the camera (and the cameraman’s right arm) with a swipe of his paw.

The Knud Rasmussen company is scheduled to remain in Antarctica until February of 2008. Currently they are scheduled to be replaced by a company of moose from northern Minnesota and southern Canada. However, POLARCOM officials have already conceded that technical, logistical, and climatological challenges may result in a delay to that timeline and an extension of the Knud Rasmussen Company’s deployment.

* PP = Polar Press

Posted by Stone Cold at 08:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

There was a rocket attack on our base today! We had to take cover in a bunker.

Nicole was too far away to reach the bunker, so she found the nearest available cover.

Apparently CPT Simer was actually expecting to wear his helmet...

He quickly realized it was being used.

Nicole politely suggested that he pull his head inside of his body armor to protect it - like a turtle does - but CPT Simer declined.

We call rockets and mortars "indirect fire." This is because usually when someone fires a rocket or a mortar, they can't see what they’re shooting at. A rifle or an RPG are "direct fire," because with those you see what you're shooting at and aim right at it.

I can't tell you what kind of damage the rockets did, of course. Most of the time they're just an annoyance. Still, there has been talk of my squad getting assigned to a new patrol zone with the task of stopping indirect fire attacks, so stay tuned...

Posted by Stone Cold at 09:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Yesterday we had some excitement out on a patrol – we got into a battle with some insurgents! Fortunately this time someone had a camera, so I have pictures that I can share with you. Here’s what happened:

We were just on a routine patrol and were passing through a local village when some people stopped us. The villagers told us that there was some suspicious activity around one of the buildings in their village. One of the villagers said he got a phone call saying that if he talked to the Americans about that suspicious activity, the village’s new school would get blown up! Another villager said a teenage girl had been badly beaten because someone in that building didn’t like the way she was dressed! That didn’t seem very nice. We decided to check out the building. We approached it very carefully.

Suddenly an RPG (rocket propelled grenade) flew over our heads, and we started taking small arms fire! We immediately took cover.

Snort began to return fire with his SAW (Squad Automatic Weapon) and I started firing my 40mm grenade launcher.

Meanwhile, the porpoise (who was farther back, behind cover) got in touch with Brigade and requested air support.

Within a few minutes, air support was on station.

Unfortunately, the air support couldn’t figure out what was going on. They perched for a while and evaluated the situation.

They took off and circled a few times. Then they apparently saw some pigeons in the distance, and that was the last we saw of them…

Fortunately, at that point Winston and Ian showed up in a British Warrior Fighting Vehicle and began to give us covering fire:

With that additional support, we were able to advance on the building. Snort stayed back to cover us with the SAW, and Steve and I took turns covering each other as we ran up to the building. Since I’m squad leader, I went up front:

Snort had an idea. He stopped firing his SAW, charged the building, and made a new opening for us to go in. Unfortunately, that kind of took him out of the fight:

Steve and I went in the breach he made in the wall, and immediately came face to face with an insurgent!

True to his namesake, Steve tackled the insurgent and quickly subdued him.

I then had a bit of a dilemma as I tried to figure out how I was supposed to put the cuffs on this particular insurgent:

Eventually I figured out a solution:

While Steve took the insurgent to a vehicle so he could be transported back to base, I went to help out Snort. I had to dig him out of the rubble.

He wasn’t badly injured, but he did need help getting back to the vehicle:

Once Snort was on his way to the aid station, and the insurgent was on his way to the detention facility, the rest of us searched the area. We found that several insurgents had been killed in the battle – here’s us finding one of the bodies.

Fortunately, none of my squad was seriously injured. The medics gave Snort some Motrin and told him to take it easy for a couple of days.

As we continued to search the area, we found a weapons cache. We picked up everything we found and brought it back to base. The next day, we catalogued it all before turning it over to the intelligence analysts. Hopefully some of our smart intel people can figure out where these insurgents are getting their weapons and training!

After cataloguing everything we had found, we turned the weapons, ammunition, and manual over to Nicole. Nicole is one of the analysts in our Brigade S2 (Intelligence) section. She is from the Florida National Guard.

Nicole said that we had really found a lot of useful information. She said that it would take her a couple of days to digest it all, but she started immediately:

I’m glad that nobody in my squad was injured, and it looks like we stopped some very dangerous insurgents! I’m glad they won’t be able to terrorize the people in that village any more. I hope Nicole can figure out where they got their weapons and training!

Posted by Stone Cold at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)