“We are proud to be here to implement the peace,� read a translated statement prepared by CPT Frostbite, the company commander, “This war has resulted in countless and needless deaths, and we hope that the implementation of this peace will result in a new midnight dawn of freedom and prosperity for Antarctica, and provide hope to all animalkind.�

CPT Frostbite held a news conference in which he answered reporters’ questions about the mission. In response to a question about whether he was concerned that his unit could handle the task of separating the warring parties, he said, “both leopard seals and penguins must clearly understand that polar bears will be more than happy to eat anyone from either side who attempts to breach the tenets of the Tierra Del Fuego accords.�

Earlier today, a radical group known as the PFLP (Popular Front for the Liberation of Penguins) released a statement directly threatening the polar bears, stating that “any bear who attempts to thwart the just revenge of penguinkind for centuries of leopard seal oppression will meet the full force of our wrath.� CPT Frostbite seemed unfazed, responding directly to that threat by saying, “what are they going to do, peck at our paws? We brought plenty of band-aids.�

In response to a CNN reporter’s question about whether the climate and the environment was right for polar bears, CPT Frostbite explained that, while Antarctica is not part of polar bears’ natural rangge, the climate along the coastal regions was similar enough to their homeland that it would not require acclimatizing. He then reassured the Antarctic public that the bears would be well-supplied with food from home and would not need to forage locally.

The news conference was interrupted briefly when a CBS reporter attempted to ask a question and was promptly mauled to death and eaten.

Local reaction

Reaction to the polar bear deployment, and to the peace accords themselves, was mixed.

“I’m all for it,� stated one penguin, “thank goodness I can go fishing for anchovies now without having to worry about getting eaten myself.�

“Peace is a good thing,� stated another penguin, “but no matter what happens, we must never forget the Martyrs of the Rock,� referring to the 30,000 penguins who were killed in the now-legendary battle of Deception Island, which took place in 234 BC.

A seal who identified herself only as “ARK!� wished the polar bears luck and went on to say, “I will admit to having eaten a few penguins in my day, but their revenge attacks were getting increasingly vicious. I am perfectly willing to eat only fish if it means a safer world for my pups.�

Other seals, however, were more intransigent. “Leopard seals have evolved to eat penguins since time immemorial. If anyone expects me to stop just because of some flipper mark on a piece of paper, they’re sadly mistaken,� said one seal, who then promptly slid into the water and swam off before he could be identified.

3rd Deployment in 7 Years

This deployment represents the third in the last seven years for soldiers of the Knud Rasmussen company.

When asked about their thoughts on conducting a third deployment, the polar bear soldiers exhibited a range of emotions. One bear soldier merely shrugged. “Grrr,� he said, and then boarded a CH-47 helicopter with the rest of his squad for movement to a remote patrol base. Another bear soldier seemed less enthusiastic, growling at the reporter and then smashing the camera (and the cameraman’s right arm) with a swipe of his paw.

The Knud Rasmussen company is scheduled to remain in Antarctica until February of 2008. Currently they are scheduled to be replaced by a company of moose from northern Minnesota and southern Canada. However, POLARCOM officials have already conceded that technical, logistical, and climatological challenges may result in a delay to that timeline and an extension of the Knud Rasmussen Company’s deployment.

* PP = Polar Press