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May 24, 2006

Rain on the plain

This is the 2nd full day of Philosophy Camp. We've been asked to write about how we plan to grow in the course. At this slow pace it seems as if I'll never bloom . There is a problem for me with this question. It gives me anxiety. I makes me think I need to arrive at something. When the fact is that if I were a vegetable or flower an observer may not notice that anything has happened with my growth. I remember one summer, my first after my freshmen year, when I lived at home at tried growing cilantro and basil and things in some small planters on the back porch. It was one of the only things I was proud of doing that summer. And because there wasn't much also going on in my life I checked it fastidiously. It took alot longer to ever produce anything than I thought it would and finally when I did see sprouts one day I came home and found that someone had "weeded my plants". There was no hard work lost, but I had no more seed to replant and all the time I had spent checking on the plants and tending to them was lost. I have this expectation that I should grow quickly and something big should happen and my fear is that neither of those things will happen.
I've been thinking about the question of what is a life worth living. This morning I thought it would be a life where I didn't feel that I "should" be doing anything. I feel like I'm constantly thinking about what "should" I be doing to make life worth living, when maybe a life worth living is one where I am simply being who I am. I guess I'm not doing a very good job of explaining how I hope to grow. I travel on tangents alot. And there is really not alot I understand write now about how I hope to grow. Perhaps I can keep that at the foreground of my thoughts for the next couple of days and write more as it comes to me. What I do know is that I would like to be more intentional about how I sustain relationships and to create meaningful friendships.
Shalom, sarah - thanks for taking the time to read this