Editing in-class assignment
The extended definition of "open heart surgery" was not very well organized and did not serve its purpose of communicating to patients and thier families. This definition was too wordy, and its tone should have been more personable, with less terminology. There could have been many changes to this document to make it more effective.
For instance, in paragraph one, it should have gotten straight to the point instead of stressing the confusions surrounding the definition. There were many unnecessary words and points. It would have been more effective to give an actual definition of what open heart surgery is, and then explain what/how/where ect.
While explaining what it is and how it works, he should make this document into something that is easy for patients and their families to read. In paragraph two, there is some terminology that most people would not understand. He could use those words better if he put their meanings in the sentence or in parenthesis. In paragraph two he also switches between tenses and it is really confusing. He should stick to one tense to make the whole document easier to read.
This document should be easy and interesting for patients to read. If the writer switched to a friendlier tone, it would make the document more effective. The entire document is written informally and it seems like he isn't trying to reach out to the patient. In the last paragraph he says, "If your operative procedure was or is to be done under cardiopulmonary bypass, rest assured you have undergone or will undergo "open heart surgery"." This is not a good way to end the definition because it sounds like he is talking down to the patient, which is not a good way to leave them. This document won't make them feel "rest assured."
If the tone, wordieness and organization were altered, this could be a more meaningful definition and would serve its purpose for the patients and thier families.