Secondly, we thought that sentence length was too long. The first paragraph's last sentence is three-plus lines long. Keeping in mind our audience, we felt that they would have forgotten what they read at the beginning of the sentence when they reached the end. Instead of getting straight to the point, the author beats around the bush. The entire first paragraph and a good amount of the second paragraph is spent on why there's so much confusion, etc. People know why it's confusing. The point of the article to simply lay out what it is. The author fails at this.

We suggest the author work on his/her flow between paragraphs. The author lacks strong introductory topic sentences and smooth transitions. The organzation was very hard for the reader to follow. We felt the author strayed from his point because of this lack in organization. Overall, we thought this article was too long, which leads us to our next point.

Because the audience consists of patients and their family members, we felt that the academic format the article was written in needed to be eliminated. Instead, we propose that the format should be that of a brochure. Information should be sorted according to proper headings and subheadings. Pictures to illustrate the "heart-lung machine" would be beneficial to its readers. Overall, this kind of format is friendlier than an essay. It is also much easier to comprehend. Patients and their families would much rather appreciate receiving an easy to follow brochure than an academic driven explanation of open heart surgery.

-Nhia & Pang

One of the biggest problems with this document is the structure of its sentences. This document's intention is to clarify what open heart surgery is, and instead of getting to the point, it goes through longwinded sentences. This confuses the reader, making him or her read over the document again and again. The sentences need to be shortened to give readers a chance to breathe and take in the information.

Here is an example:
Original sentence: Perhaps the term was coined originally because the heart sugeon was concerned with methodology which would allow him to correct congenital heart defects which actually entailed opening the cardiac chambers for repair.

Edited sentence: Perhaps the term "Open Heart Surgery" originated because heart surgery was concerned with correcting heart defects which entailed opening the cardiac chambers for repair.

This document also used terms which might confuse or distract the reader from the main piont. Words like nosological or parlance are not common terms that readers know, and should be taken out if this is ment to be a generally used brochure for patients.

Also, this document needs to watch out for sexist terms.

Example: This area of common ground was simply the need to relieve the heart of his physiological burden while operating on it.

-His physiological burden should be changed to its physiological burden.

People often do not think about the exact meaning of the phrase “open heart surgery� until they are in a worrying situation. Though the term “open heart surgery� was coined over two decade ago, the question “what is open heart surgery?� is still asked today. The definition for “open heart surgery� can be very vague; as it is used to describe a broad area of cardiac surgery. Originally, the term was coined based on the methodology of the surgery which entails opening the cardiac chambers to correct congenial heart defects. Today the term has become more complex as we have gained equipment and experience to make the surgery safer.

To define the term of open heart surgery, we should describe a current device that is used and how it works. The cardiopulmonary bypass unit pump-oxygenator, known as a “heart-lung machine� allows surgeons to stop the heart when necessary. The use of this device lessens the amount of stress put on a patient by the surgery. During a cardiopulmonary bypass, the blood is diverted from the heart by connecting to the great veins delivering blood from the upper and lower extremities. This blood flows by gravity into the hear-lung machine which performs the lungs’ function of adding oxygen and dissipating carbon dioxide. This blood is then pumped back into the circulatory system through a convenient artery (usually the aorta) which comes immediately from the heart. This description of a technical procedure often brings up more questions.

How long can the heart-lung machine sustain a patient? The heart-lung machine will function as needed throughout the course of a normal surgery.
How does the blood flow through the rest of the body during the surgery? When the heart-lung machine is placed on the venous and arterial sides of the heart and lungs, the blood will temporarily bypass the circulatory system.
Another frequently asked question is about the blood supply to the heart and lungs themselves during this period of “bypass.� Their blood supply is markedly reduced since they are removed from the circulatory system, but since they are at rest, oxygen requirements are minimal, and for the duration of most procedures no problems are posed.

I hope that some of your questions have been answered through this short description. This is a very important surgery, however, and can not be dealt with in its entirety with a simple document. This said, I encourage you and your family to come and talk about this procedure. Please see my phone number and address on this page to schedule a consultation at your convenience.

-Rick
-Sayaka

For instance, in paragraph one, it should have gotten straight to the point instead of stressing the confusions surrounding the definition. There were many unnecessary words and points. It would have been more effective to give an actual definition of what open heart surgery is, and then explain what/how/where ect.

While explaining what it is and how it works, he should make this document into something that is easy for patients and their families to read. In paragraph two, there is some terminology that most people would not understand. He could use those words better if he put their meanings in the sentence or in parenthesis. In paragraph two he also switches between tenses and it is really confusing. He should stick to one tense to make the whole document easier to read.

This document should be easy and interesting for patients to read. If the writer switched to a friendlier tone, it would make the document more effective. The entire document is written informally and it seems like he isn't trying to reach out to the patient. In the last paragraph he says, "If your operative procedure was or is to be done under cardiopulmonary bypass, rest assured you have undergone or will undergo "open heart surgery"." This is not a good way to end the definition because it sounds like he is talking down to the patient, which is not a good way to leave them. This document won't make them feel "rest assured."

If the tone, wordieness and organization were altered, this could be a more meaningful definition and would serve its purpose for the patients and thier families.

-Megan
-Oriana
-Rachel

- Title change Understanding "Open Heart Surgery"
- Change the style of writing to a more assuring tone
ex. the last paragraph does nothing to assure the reader or give them a feeling of ease.
- Be sure to remove patronizing phrases from the document
ex. "The external mechanical support system referred to is, of course, the "heart-lung machine."
- Better explain technical terms or simplify them
ex. "cardiopulmonary bypass unit pump-oxygenator"
- Take out the history of the term "open heart surgery"
ex. The entire first paragraph
- Open with an explanation of heart surgery and about the medical improvements and success of the surgery.
- Do not ask rhetorical questions
ex. "What does a heart-lung machine do?"
- Include pictures of how heart-lung machines work, giving a more user friendly feel to the document
- Better define the different types of surgeries categorized as "open heart surgery"
- Close with assurance and recap of important points.

Sincerely,
Jim McGuire

To: DK Publishing, Video Game Division Supervisor

From: Joshua Hinchley

Subject: Advanced Coverage for Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games

After recently reviewing your guide for Final Fantasy XI I noticed an issue with the way the guide is handled. The guide would be more than acceptable if it were written for a normal game. However, Final Fantasy XI differentiates itself from a normal game because it is updated on a semi-regular basis. Because of this, many users instead use online forums to obtain the updated information. The problem with getting information from these forums is that they are predominantly user controlled and information can be buried beneath petty arguments and off topic discussions.

What I propose is a solution to these problems I face as a user. I feel that the guide you published was a good start which I found helpful when I began the game. I propose that you build of that guide by issuing updates that coincide with updates within the game. These updates could be published electronically through emails and paid for through a small subscription charge. I feel these changes could be implemented for any MMORPG or game utilizing micro transactions to add content.

Thank you for your time,
Josh Hinchley

1. A lab manual should be written in a simple, clear and accurate way; however, the current chemistry lab manual does not satisfy these criteria nor does it convey experimental concepts clearly.

2. Revising the lab manual will allow students adequate preparation for each experiment and allowing efficient experiments and reduce accidents/injuries during the lab sessions.

3. In addition to simplifying and clarifying the chemistry lab manual, additional tables, charts and graphs would help students better understand the concepts.

Topic : Roommate Agreement

Audience : My Roommates, Haley and Adriana

Rationale : As roommates, we need to hold a house meeting to discuss the following issues:

1. Rent
2. Cleaning Duties
3. House Rules
4. Storeage Space

Rent : A rent increase is to go in affect starting next month, and as roommates we need to re-calculate the rent, since the way that it is being split up now isn't equal.

Cleaning Duties: We need to discuss a new method for keeping the house clean, and we also need to discuss the issue of unwashed dishes and the trash that never gets taken out.

House Rules: After the incidents that occured this summer, we need to refresh our memories of the rules we originally agreed to live by.

Storeage Space: We need to assign each person a designated storeage space/area for her things, vs. letting each individual choose a spot, such as behind the couch.

Purpose : The reason that we need to discuss these issues is to help eliminate the current tensions in our apartment that have resulted from unspoken disagreements on the way things are being done in the household.

As a past 4-H member, when I took up a new project called rabbits there wasn't any manuals or book that told or showed you how to get your rabbit ready for a show. The only way that I learned how to get my rabbit ready the first year was to talk to people that have been in it for many years, but for a new person coming into the area that may be hard to them.
I'm going to right a booklet so that people starting out in this new project have something to help them. It will tell of what should be done way in advance before a show, this to watch out for when selecting a rabbit, and tip to help you look the best in the show arena.

As a mentor for the Mcquire Edge program , there seems to be lack of communication between the mentees and the mentors. There are no communication through emails or weekly meetings, and the mentors are not responding well enough to address the lack of communications between each of their mentees. The goal for the program is that all mentors must email their mentees once a week and have a face to face meeting once a month. The emails are to be forward to the advisors.

To address this communication problem between the mentors and the mentees, I feel that the program advisors and the mentors should have a weekly meeting. We must understand that we are working with college students and we are not trying to hold anyones hand, but it is important to follow through with the plans and the goals for the Edge program. The weekly meetings will allow the mentors and the advisors to address any problems or concerns regarding the communication problems. Advisors would also get a better feel of what is going on between the mentor and the mentee. I think having a weekly meeting between the advisor and the mentor would make communication more effective and give more guidance to the mentor to commnicate more effectively with their mentees.

Please look this over and let me know on your thoughts and consideration about the communication problem and the plan for the adivors and the mentors.

Thank You

Sincerely,

Pang Lee