For reasons I don't quite understand (and am a little frightened to probe), I have long been both fascinated and amused by etiquette, its practice -- and especially the lack thereof. I have passed many a happy hour browsing the stories of astonishingly bad behavior and taste over at Etiquette Hell. I also occasionally check out the etiquette column "Ask Elise" at Indiebride, a site I discovered shortly after my own wedding which offers a welcome departure from the elaborate sticky-sweet and slightly creepy advice on other wedding websites.
Dropped by "Ask Elise" today for the first time in a couple of months, and along with Indiebride's typical episodes of overeducated brides thinking much too hard about a minor point of etiquette was this letter, from a woman who obviously comes from a very different world than any I know well.
The woman's complaint (she signs herself "Money Trouble") begins with what appear to be standard-issue complaints about her future in-laws: they give chintzy gifts, they don't do things like her parents do, and so on. But the letter rapidly turns into something else, in which the writer castigates her in-laws-to-be for not giving presents in kind: a gift of tickets to Hawaii (from Money Trouble and her fiance) is met with a cheap and tacky mug. You get the idea. Things really get rolling in the third paragraph, where MT reveals that in return for paying for the wedding, her family expects to receive lavish gifts from the groom's parents -- as well as a significant chunk of change (MT estimates around $30K) so the newlyweds can buy a home. This despite the fact that MT's future in-laws are obviously unlikely to spend anywhere near that amount of money, even though MT believes they could afford it (MT's fiance, incidentally, thinks the most they could expect from his parents is about $5,000. Obviously, that will never do). MT doesn't quite ask the advice columnist outright how to convince her fiance's parents to cought up the big bucks, but she comes pretty close.
Elise's response is a model of thoughtfulness and tact. She charitably ascribes MT's (to me) extravagant expectations to cultural differences. Still, she can't help but lecture a little bit: "There is simply no way to politely tell your future in-laws that they must make a thirty thousand dollar investment in your home, or even a five thousand dollar one. At bottom, you would do well to relax your expectations."
I'll say. If anyone had given us a wedding gift worth more than a couple hundred bucks, we would have been flabbergasted by their generosity. Our families are not wealthy, but I just can't quite get my head around the expectation that you'll be receiving $30,000+ wedding gifts. I don't doubt that many wealthy people do give as much, particularly to their children. But to expect it! There's one headspace I've never visited.
Posted by Stacie at January 12, 2005 09:21 PM