June 2, 2005
'Till Divorce Do Us Part
Derek and I both come from families of divorce. Neither of my parents have remarried, but Derek's mom remarried several years ago.
The fact that we both know what divorce is like makes us very careful about marriage. We talk at great length about how we need to do everything we can to continue to communicate and work out any problems we encounter.
I actually dated someone who came from a family with happily married parents who said to me, "I don't usually date people whose parents are divorced. I think they tend to think of divorce as an easy way out".
Can you believe that?!
Easy way out? How easy is it when your dad moves out and lives across town in a yucky apartment while your parents try to work things out? How easy is it when you are responsible for carpooling your little sisters around because there is one less parent around to do it? How easy is it to have to decide whose side to take in an argument?
In many ways, I think the fact that we both have divorced parents makes us an even better match than a couple whose parents are still together. I have friends whose parents are still married, and they take for granted the fact that their parents are together under one roof. Now, whether or not their parents are happy is another story, but at least they know that when their parents go to sleep at night they are at least together and looking out for one another. I worry about my parents all the time.
I'm curious about what other people have to say about this...does your parents' marital status make you think about marriage differently?
Posted by tsch0020 at June 2, 2005 2:46 PM
I think that it would depend on the persons' particular situation. My parents are still together and my sister has already been married and divorced. I think that the people involved just need to stop and realize that the commitment they are about to make is lifelong. There are definitely some people out there who use divorce as an "easy-out" but it is not so easy when there are children involved. Those people are usually the ones who rush into marriage too. It is good that you both have talked about your feelings on it though!
My parents are divorced but it was never really an "easy-out" kind of thing. Maybe some people think of it as an easy-out, but I don't see why. All new living arrangements, finance things to deal with and things become much more complicated with children.
Thanks to my parents being divorced, I am going to be certain, absolutely certain that I want to get married. It has also given me respect for what being a family is and what needs to be done when.
Everybody's opinion and compatibility is so different, I don't particularly like that some people I know are so influenced by their parents' status or whatnot. For ex, many of them have parents were who high school sweethearts so for reason or another, they felt like they had to have a high school sweetheart and when they did, he/she had to be the one, because it would be just like her or his parents. when they broke up, dreams of being just like thier parents tore apart. And in my roomates' case, she will never part with this no-good guy because it seriously would be like breaking his AND her parents' dream! Just crazy stuff
It seems like people learn the most about marriage from the married people who are closest to them. In many cases these end up being our parents. I think that the fact that my parents divorced makes me think about marriage a lot differently. My mom talked to me about a lot of her problems while she was getting divorced. I learned a lot from her that I might not have had she stayed married. I think this would make me more cautious when thinking about marriage, but I'm not really sure because I've always had a hard time picturing myself getting married.
My third daughter is about to get matrried, how ever she is very mad at me. Her dad and I are divorce, hoever we are together. We were only divorce because a law suit. But my daughter willnot put me on the invition because she is mad at me. However she tells everyone the only reason she has not put my name on the invition is because I didn't gave her money for the wedding.
Please help me
Experts tell us that a physically abusive parent will often raise children who become abusers themselves. I suspect that any behaviour we see our parents model for us tends to stick. However, divorce is not a behaviour, it is a legal process. The question is whether we are likely to imitate the behaviours which caused our parent's divorce.
I believe that thoughtful individuals whose parents have been divorced can learn what not to do by carefully considering their experience but children of parents who have maintained a healthy relationship probably have it easier as they need only copy the positive behaviours they have witnessed working for their parents.
divorce is even more hard when there are kids involved. EZ fixes with a divorce lawyer end up taking a generation to really mend
I don't think my parents' marital status made me think about marriage differently... my husbands did. In fairness the first time was common-law marriage and we never actually walked down the aisle. I was lucky to be able to walk away from him. The second was technically the first "I Do" marriage but it was a mistake. We didn't marry for love and there was certainly none of that in our relatively short marriage. I was terribly young in both instances and believe the lack of guidance from my mother may have a factor. Though I have no intention of ever marrying again I'll not go so far as to say 'never'. Unfortunately I feel I've been tainted to the idea of marriage because so many people do 'take the easy way out.' I believe love is the first step and after that its about respect. Communication is what will allow those things to stay strong and alive... until death do you part.
I think that there is an increased chance of modelled parent behaviour being passed onto a child, however it really depends on the morals, environment and other life lessons an individual learns too.