May 24, 2006
I am not someone who is really keen on dating someone. Whenever I think about it, I admit, I do get lonely, but only for a short bit. I really get freaked out by just condoms in general--even if they are in the package. Yet, I do have feelings for someone. I smile every time I see this person. I do not know if I am liked in a smilar way. I never can pick-up on such "hints." I want to explain myself to this particular person, but I am afraid. I have already before been rejected, so I thought this time I could just have that illusion of being liked. However, this method is affecting me. It really sucks, naturally. I have been thinking about asking this person if we could go out on a date, but I have not gotten the nerve to ask (plus, the person is not always on AIM when I am ).
Eh, maybe I am not cut out to be in a reationship. That has crossed my mind many a time. I should just become a priest or monk.
May 7, 2006
Eve of Finals Week
I know I will get through this week, but I just feel pretty disgusted right now. I am afraid for my future at the U of M. It hurts to think about the possiblity of not getting into graduate school right of undergraduate, or even graduating on time, but that is for a discussion at a later date.
I have fond feelings towards a certain individual, a friend of mine. I met this person on a dating site, oddly enough. I really like this friend. I just am afraid to venture more into this relationship, because I have been rejected by others before. I don't want to feel like losing a friend, and then take some time to build the relationship up again.
Besides that, I am fat. And, honestly, no one likes fat people. I will probably die soon anyway. My mom worries about me getting a heartattack and dying. I do have high blood pressure. I cannot go and get an exam for that and get medication for this, because I really do not have lots of money. Sad, I know, but it is true.
I really wish I can ignore people. People suck. Most people should die. I hate being around people. If it is part of my job, that is okay, but otherwise no. Maybe it is a phobia...I do not know. I just do not like being criticized by others, hearing comments from them, or whatever else. At times I wish I could make people disappear. I am sure God really does not like this, but I cannot help it. I will probably burn in Hell for thinking such thoughts.
Tomorrow, I need to work on my papers and study for my final exams. I wish I could say I am getting all As and Bs, but of course my intelligence hates me. I hate not doing well in school. I was a straight A student in high school. I suck in life...I always knew this.
October 6, 2005
So, I'm always tired. It's a pain. I have no time to do anything else. I barely get my homework done. It hurts. I feel like I'm not accomplishing anything right. In addition, my neck and body ache. I always feel tense.
At times, I feel like I'm lonely. Again, the feeling of companionship looks nice. It's funny, really. I doubt I will every find someone to be in a relationship, and yet I still wish for that. I guess that void will be taken away once I am established with my career and adopt a child. I will be able to share my love with someone, then. Hmm...I wonder if I would make a good father?
I feel so tired...I feel like crying a lot. It's depressing...
September 27, 2005
The Rise of Thought
I have been thinking a lot lately as to what I want to major in. I know I'm not a junior yet, but I do want to be 100% sure what I am going to do in life. I do not want to change my major 5 times, be in school until I'm 32, and owe about $200,000+ in loans.
I will be making an appointment soon with my academic advisor, but it just baffles me. I mean, I want to be an educator. However, I still do not know what subject (I have two in mind) I want to teach, whether or not I must major in that field to teach, and I also have thought about double-majoring in Library Science, so will I have to triple-major? Will I graduate on time, Spring of 2008? It is perplexing... I wonder how I will do it. I am already stressed out with classes, work-study job, weekend job, and barely having enough time in the evening for homework/free time, as well as getting the classes I need for the core requirements. In addition, I am in activities and a fraternity.
Sometimes, I wish I could just pause my life and get things done, or have time to relax. Even this Friday, when I do not have work at Panera Bread, I thought about going to Andersen Library to work. I am thinking about not doing that, but that day is when I plan on scheduling my appointment with my academic advisor, probably need to refill on all of my prescriptions, and probably will be leaving for my cousin's wedding that night. I cannot just be relaxed. Yes, I know I put this all on myself, but it sometimes can get frustrated.
I do not know...if I just did not have to worry about paying for my schooling...but, is that not everyone's wish...?
September 1, 2005
I can be one depressing guy at times...
I just realized how lonely I am tonight. I don't know why. I always wondered what it would be like being in a relationship with someone, but after being rejected by crushes before, I don't dare take the risk of sharing feeling. I guess I give hints easily enough... It's kind of sad, really.
I mean, I know I would like to date, but I want to be in a serious relationship. Seeing my parents and grandparents and other relatives, if I wasn't in a serious relationship or there was a break-up, I would be depressed heavily. As much as I don't want to admit that, it's true.
I also know deep down I will always remain single. I mean, I don't know who I am. Society says one thing, I decided to believe it, yet I don't know. If I don't know what I am, then what chances are there that someone would want to date me? Plus, I have extremely low self-esteem, so I am not very good dating-material.
I am one abnormal and freakish person. Who would date me?
Wow...it always amazes me how I can depress myself easily...
August 2, 2005
A journey through the mind
An adventure through the recesses
Nothing is apparent, everything's clear
The guidance is murky today
Whispers from the Past's voices
I hear the call, yet am confused
I want to understand, but it is not meant to be
The emptiness consumes my soul
My soul...which was pure
I see the Light that controls all
Why I am here, I could not say
The signs all say something
Although my thoughts conclude otherwise
April 14, 2005
Thoughts from a Freshman
We have a month left of school: 3 weeks for classes, 1 week for finals. I've been informed that my student account should be solved soon. So, I am on my way to becoming a Sophomore.
Yet...will everything work out all right? This summer, I will be staying with fraternity brothers. This will be my first summer away from home. I originally thought I would go back home. I could see my friends, see my family, be around surroundings that are familar to me, fight with my sister over who will drive the car. Well, none of that will happen. I will be up here. I have a better chance of securing a job up here than down there in Omaha.
I wonder what others think about this. What my friends, both here in the Twin Cities and Omaha, think about me staying up here. What I think about more is my family, particularly what my parents think. I'm sure my dad doesn't mind, although he would like it for me to be there. My mom on the other hand... I know she misses me, deeply. I know she wants her first babe back with her. She did mention that they may come up here to visit me. I could visit them, as well. That would be nice. I'd like it if they would come up here. I don't know where they would stay. Probably with Aunt Nancy and Uncle Stephen or a hotel/motel.
I really wanted my mom to see my room up here on campus. I guess that will not happen. Maybe another year.
I just don't want my mom to worry about me. I know she does. I don't want to be a burden on her, or anyone else for that matter...
March 21, 2005
I cannot express my thoughts
I cannot say what I want
My mind is sound, know what wants to be heard
But, my voice...my voice is gone
I do not know what to do
I try the best remedies and solutions known
Yet, I am still stuck
Nothing I do can get this past this hurdle
A hurdle which is a horrific problem
No voice is always lamented...
No voice is always worried...
No voice is hurting me...