Underblog Rides Again: The Counsel of Good Intentions

January 2, 2005

The Counsel of Good Intentions

I have been receiving a lot of counsel this past semester. Some of it has come unsolicited, notably from people who are not academics. One well-meaning person, who has exactly one year of graduate school under her belt (albeit from Harvard) gave me the following "pep talk."

I remember when I graduated the last thing I wanted to do was study any more. I wanted to be out in the world, doing things. I had been working hard for four years and I was tired. But finishing my degree was the smartest move I could have made: Every door that opened for me in my career is due to having that degree.

Although her degree opened a lot of doors for her, it took 20 years or so for it to do so. Following that patterm, I should start making use of mine by the time I pick up my first Social Security check or mandatory IRA distribution.

Another well-meaning fellow made the following tautological argument: "If you finish the degree, then you will have something that you didn't have before."

Both comments share the following premise: All things being equal, it is better to finish up than to bail. And I agree with that, so long as all things are indeed equal. But they are not. It is not equally easy, fun, or productive to engage in something that makes you so miserable that you contemplate suicide or become unable to do the remaining things that bring you joy. As I had to point out to the latter interlocutor I have little sympathy for those people that stick with things merely because they have started them, willfully or ignorantly disregarding their own happiness.

I have no doubt that these two have my interests at heart, as do my friends who consider me generally competent to teach—on questionable bases, however. The problem for me is that I am not so sure of what I really want. One friend thinks that I have already made my decision, that I am a goner.

I give more credence to people who have been through the academic wringer. (And I don't mean people with a one year's Master's—sorry.) Here, the experts are split: One Ph.D. tells me that I should stick with it: she gives the same advice to her own daughter, an ABD who is struggling with two small children, a looming dissertation, and a job that cuts deeply into the time she would like to spend on the other two missions. Her advice resonates with my non-patented "regret prevention" approach. Having made some horrendous personal decisions in the past I fear most of all arming myself with the "If only I had stuck it out for another couple of years; I had funding, I was almost done" bludgeon.

A second Ph.D. specifically rejects the blanket "stick with it" advice. He tells me that he has seen more than a few academics sacrifice non-academic aspects of their lives—family, friends, relationships—upon the altar of pursuing a career in the ivory tower. He himself regrets similar decisions that he has made. Since making those decisions, he has committed himself first and foremost to his family. In a sense, he has committed a quiet professional suicide. Which is what I am contemplating, really, though much sooner in the process.

The third Ph.D., whom I pay for his counsel, appears to think that pursuing a Ph.D. may not be the right thing for me. The hours are long, the work inherently isolating, the benefits—in terms of things which I value, like friendship and service—fleeting and abstract. In response to my regret prevention argument, he tries to show me that some of the decisions I made were not really blunders: I managed to live a good life because of not in spite of, the decision to abandon or delay an undergraduate degree. Still I lived under that particular cloud for a long time, and I fear that not finishing this degree will put me a under a similar one.

A young woman grinding through her first year of law school told Roomie her father's tale: He was in an Ivy League history Ph.D. program back in the 60's. He did so poorly there for a while that he was placed on academic probation by the graduate school. He did, eventually, graduate, go on the market, get a job, and obtain tenure. My wise young friend put it succinctly: graduate school makes you face your demons.

And this may be where I am now: continue to do poorly until they force me out. This can take a long time, as in the case of the grad student who basically made the department go through every conceivable hoop to get her out of the program (blogged about here). She eventually matriculated.

It may be that the particular work I am doing this semester is about as far away from my research interest as I am likely to get. Perhaps once I start the Big D., things will improve. The only possible way to test the hypothesis that researching a dissertation will improve my mental state is to complete my incompletes, get through the theory prelim, and get that Master's en passant. And from where I am standing, it is a steep hill indeed.

Posted by webs0080 at January 2, 2005 9:35 AM

Comments

I spent two years for my master's and am now in the 4th year of my PhD (so six total). I have no idea how some of my fellow students motivate themselves to work so hard on a daily basis. I've been sliding by for awhile doing the bare minimum interspersed with infrequent and short periods when I'm extremely productive. I feel I'm now at the point where I've done too much not to see it through. I'd feel like a complete loser if I didn't. On the other hand, I also feel like when I finally do finish, I won't put my degree to much use anyway - maybe get a low stress teaching gig or start an unrelated business.

I hate to dispense advice because my opinions are likely to be worthless to you. That said, I agree with the third PhD. It might be helpful to get out, at least for awhile. I did that myself, 3 years ago, and it served to clarify my own goals to an extent. At least it forced me to quit romanticizing the professional world, which I found to be dull and overly political (workplace relationships, etc). Something about the grass is always greener... I was able to get back into my PhD program and I've been there ever since. That's the other thing: there's no reason why you have to live with the consequences of today's decision for the rest of your life. There are countless ways to get yourself back into academia if you decide the "real world" isn't to your liking.

Posted by: Jim at January 2, 2005 11:33 AM

Thanks for the comment Jim. Your advice is welcome, especially since it comes from a peer. My problems are with those people that *think* they understand but have little sense of what an academics life is like. One of the people I spoke with said "I know what an academic's life is like: I worked with them for years." He failed to realize that Ph.D.'s on the outside are comparatively rare and are conciously retreating from academe. If they think academic life is so hot, why are they under contract to the government instead of publishing?

I may have been too much under the influence of "How to Complete and Survive a Doctoral Dissertation" Sternberg, who says that taking a break when ABD is often a career ender. It may also be that I am looking for a career ender.

I too marvel at the productivity of some of my peers. I sure hope they are getting some real satisfaction out of their efforts.

Part of my problem is that I have spent a lot of time, at least a dozen years or so, on the outside, "doing stuff." I am already looking at a foreshortened career.

Posted by: Eric at January 2, 2005 2:26 PM

I have no advice on the "should I stay or should I go" question since I am going through it myself. However, in the interest of making the short term staying a bit better, want to meet sometime soon for either lunch or drinks and strategize for the theory prelim?

Oh an I agree about people who think they know academia and have never been in it.

Posted by: Natalie at January 2, 2005 9:22 PM

I went into my Ph.D. program (after a 2-year MA program) because I wanted to teach, but then realized halfway through that I only wanted to teach 1 class a semester. The thought of going on the job market and [maybe] finding a job wherein I teach 3-5 classes per semester (with maybe 3-5 preps), and all the papers I'd have to grade as an English professor drove me to the edge. I think I probably finished because of the logic employed by Ph.D the first: I started the dang thing, so I might as well finish. I was lucky enough to have a supportive spouse/family/committee, which eventually enabled me to finish.

I very nearly did follow Ph.D. the second's path. Once I decided that the reasons for starting the degree in the first place no longer existed, I had a very difficult time continuing. I was fortunately far enough in the diss that finishing wasn't as much of a struggle as it might have been, but I really don't feel like it's worth anything. Particularly the drivel that is now in the library with my name on it. I must admit, though, that attending the graduation ceremony was enjoyable. One of my committee members was there on the other side, and it was a very exciting moment for me, even though those three letters mean next to nothing for my professional career.

I will confess, though, that getting the master's degree before entering the ph.d. program was a very wise move on my part. I spent the last two years of my degree in a full-time position that requires a master's but is much more relaxed than teaching. I wouldn't have had that opportunity with the MA.

So I guess that's my advice, for what it's worth (I spent 13 years in college/grad school, the last 7 of which were completing this danged, useless degree): finish the Master's, then re-evaluate depending upon your interest level. If you are not fully committed to your research and area of supposed interest, don't continue. I don't think I'd do it again--no one told me that you really really really really have to like research and writing to survive doctoral grad school.

Too long for a comment, I know, but I've been there. Let me know if you want to commiserate.

Posted by: Danielle at January 3, 2005 1:23 PM

as roommate, wife, and friend with priviledges of blogger, ub, i'm SO PLEASED that you, jim, natalie, and danielle, are dropping your two-centses in the bucket. ain't the internet grand?!?

Posted by: Sherman at January 3, 2005 2:28 PM

CORRECTION: "privileges". sorry all you smarties.

Posted by: Sherman at January 3, 2005 2:30 PM

I love you and am proud of you for who you have become as a person..I recall the first sentence Gilli ever wrote in English," Life is like a city, there are many streets, but watch out for the traffic." I wish I had a magic compass that could relieve your suffering. I agree with you fully that happiness is important and deserves attention. sis

Posted by: heather at January 3, 2005 6:39 PM

I forgot to comment (or my previous comment got too long) about the importance of enjoying your life while in grad school. I took longer than others to finish because I didn't devote myself exclusively to school. I took up crafts that looked interesting, watched movies I wanted to see, read books I found alluring, concentrated on my husband and my dogs.

While you have to be really really really into research to do well in grad school (as opposed to simply surviving grad school), DO NOT forget yourself.

Posted by: Danielle at January 4, 2005 8:11 AM

HEAR, HEAR! Heather and Danielle.

Posted by: Sherman at January 4, 2005 8:26 AM

Thanks for the comments Danielle. Schoolwork has been keeping me from enjoying life, something that I thought I had been pretty good at doing in the past. I know my relationships have suffered.

My program has views lengthy terms to completion as inherently bad, and so there is a strong push to get prelims done in three years, out the door in six, and so forth. We do have an extremely sympathetic DGS, however.

Of course, the scariest thing is bailing out without a plan for the future. I dread the prospect of retreating from grad school without advancing toward something else, but grad school itself blinders me to many alternatives.

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