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Today is the day we leave. People are scurrying around cleaning up 14 Osbourne and trying to fit the last souvenir in their checked bags. I know this quote has been floating around a lot, but I'm saying it one more time.

"There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered."

-Nelson Mandela

I'm really excited to go home and tell people about my exciting journey to South Africa but at the same time I'm really nervous. Yesterday at Mug and Bean I asked Brittany, "What if people don't even care that I've been to South Africa?" My being here has been just a small blip, three weeks of my life. In these past three weeks I have thought a lot about my relationship with my sister and how happy I am that she pressured me to apply to this program. But her already having been here and leaving again makes me wonder what my reaction was when she tried to tell me all of her stories from the last trip. I know I was probably ending my junior year in high school so I had other things on my mind, like applying to colleges and what I was going to wear on Friday - you know, important things. I know I mostly signed up for this trip because Brittany wanted me too, but I decided before I left that what I wanted the most from South Africa was to help me figure out my own life, who I am and even what I want to do. So in the sunset journal I wrote my purpose. After waking up to see the sunset, something I typically don't do, I was trying to figure out what I was going to write about on the walk out to the mountain. The walk out I was constantly tripping over my sisters pants, as I forgot to bring sleeping clothes. Trying not to trip over her pants and step directly into her path I instantly knew what I was going to write about. Most of my journal said it all and in a more descriptive manner, but my whole life I have been walking in Brittany's footsteps, careful not to stray to far from her path. Brittany and I went to the same high school, same college, we are in the same clubs, on the same executive boards, and have the same job. It's really hard to have an older sister, but it truly is a blessing. Being in the mountains made me realize that yes, having a sister is great, but we don't have to be the same person. I need to acknowledge that Brittany has made great choices, but the choices that are best for Brittany are not always the best for me. I'm not saying South Africa isn't where I want to be, but I'm saying I am starting to realize that Brittany is a great sister, mentor and friend, but I need to stop following in her footsteps. I love yah B.

I just realized I'm most nervous to show people pictures. Pictures can tell a thousand words, but still can't to justice to the beauty of this country. I love taking pictures. I've taken four years of photography classes and I know with a really good picture you can evoke emotion, but I know that whoever I show my pictures to will only get that one frame of a landscape that expanded for miles, or only three of the kids in the house that I volunteered with. Which really makes me understand what Nate's been saying about staying in touch because we are really the only people that will understand when we talk about Africa.

It's not goodbye, it's see you later.

I've been thinking about a few things. Forgiveness, my sense of time, and confronting issues.

On forgiveness, I'm struggling like crazy thinking about forgiveness. Nate, our instructor asked us to think about who we have to forgive at home, what you would say, why we want to forgive them, what we risk losing, if it will be hard. I have two people to forgive and one of them is myself. I've been beating myself up for a mistake made a year ago and I need to just let it go. I think South Africa has been helping me realize that mistakes happen and I need to forgive and move on with the rest of my life. One reason I struggle with forgiveness is because I've never really had to forgive anyone for anything big. Sure there are small things I have forgiven people for, but no big issues have crossed my path thus far in my twenty years. 

My sense of time is gone since being in South Africa, which makes me scared to go home to commitments and meetings and classes where being on time is the key to success. Brittany said it really well a few weeks ago, " I'm gonna do what I want to do, when I want to do." That is exactly how I feel South Africa has been, to an extent. I mean I still go to class on time and stuff, but when it comes to free time, I've spent in exploring the V&A Waterfront, Observatory, the Green Market Square and even our neighborhood, Mowbray. I love that people here pronounce Mowbray as Mowberry. hahahahhahahaha. I love having all this time  to myself to explore and just get lost in the vast city of Cape Town. Everything revolves around time and when you're watching a clock waiting for the next thing to do, you tend to get stressed out. I'm really scared to go home and be connected to technology and time.

I've thought a lot about how I had to come all the way to South Africa just to confront an issue at home. It's almost as if I needed to escape the monotonous everyday routine to see the problems facing me. I've said it a few times but I've got two people to forgive back home and one of them is me. The mistakes I've made have haunted me for a year now and I kept telling myself that I was a terrible person and I'll never be okay with myself. But I've been working toward forgiving myself and I think being in South Africa has really helped me by having such a great example of forgiveness.

That's all folks.

I got my debit card stolen. Long story short, I let my guard down and thought the guy was showing me how to work the ATM. As I waited for my card to come out, I relized I had been played.  I'm glad that only my debit card was stolen ( and so far $185) because it could have been so much more could have been stolen. I'll probably get a refund for the stolen money and a replacement card for free. So for taking advantage of three unsuspecting American girls, three men got away with roughly R2800 or $400. All I can hope is that they needed the money. I lost a hundred dollars at Morris this past month. I feel more stupid about that one as it was completely in the open for anyone to go into my purse and take but it's making me question why I am so trusting of people I don't know. I guess it's just my need to want to please or help people. But really, I want to talk about forgiveness. The Truth and Reconcilliation Commission (TRC) was created to help heal the atrocities which the country faced during Apartheid using a process by applying for amnesty. I mean, in the long run, I think that the TRC will help bring South Africa into a more community-like state. I really believed that the TRC was the best thing that could happen to South Africa after Apartheid ( aside from the world cup being here last year), until we watched Bill Moyer's Facing the Truth: Part 1 in class. When I was able to see the families and friends of people who's lives had been taken during Apartheid their pain became more real. I think it would be extremely hard to forgive someone for not only killing your loved one, but for applying for amnesty just because they believe they won't have to go to jail. None of the families in the video had been apologized to by those applying for amnesty. 

Forgiveness is hard. A country can work toward a better future by accepting the problems of the past as the guilt can be spread across plenty of people. I find it hard to believe that individuals find it so easy to forgive the wrong-doers. I believe that with the support of a community, one can find it easier to forgive as they will have someone to fall back on through the difficult times that may lie ahead. I'm not really sure I have ever forgiven someone for a large issue. 

Fun things!

Yesterday we went on a safari!!! The second I saw that big ole elephant walk right past our 4x4 I was so excited that I literally didn't stop smiling until I realized how much my face hurt. We then went out for Courtney's birthday which was super fun. Today we went to the Waterfront, where we spend  a LOT of time, and had breakfast with Nj. Afterwards we went to Robben Island. It was really eerie. I could tell that there was such rich history surrounding the island and I was really just a great experience overall. After almost getting sick on the ride back to the mainland, a few of us went out for dinner and shopped around ( I got a swimsuit top!). 

I also decided that I'm not leaving South Africa.   :)

I haven't blogged much yet because I keep forgetting that this trip is educational, not just a vacation abroad. I knew that I would end up blogging today - in fact, I tried to blog before we went out to Africa Tikkun about how I was ready to come in right with an open heart and an open mind. 

Today we went and visited the Delft Community Health Center. We saw hundreds of people waiting for treatment. A sister who ran the whole center, who's name I forgot already sadly, talked to us before we got a tour. She said that they serve roughly two thousand people per day with roughly a hundred workers for the whole clinic. That was when I got emotional. I have been talking about going to medical school for almost five years. The past two months have been rough for me in my decision to go to medical school. This whole trip for me was about figuring out about who I am and what I want to do with my life. With every step I take in Africa, I feel myself coming together. From feeling powerful climbing a mountain with EducoAfrica, to visiting the Delft Community Health Center, to even just the simple fact that our classroom in South Africa is in the fucking medical school. I don't believe in God, but man is that a sign from above or what?

People travel for miles to get to the Delft Community Health Center just to get considered to been seen. That doesn't happen in the United States. Health care is so immediate that the idea of waiting is bothersome. The sister let us know that they just got a respirator for their "resuscitation room" or emergency room. Think about your breathing. Your lungs. We just learned about lived experience and taking mundane every day things for granted. Now that I've said something you're probably thinking about your breathing pattern. 

As I was leaving I thought about how much I wanted to remember the Delft Community Health Center and the sister who lead us around. She was such a strong woman in the community in a role that almost demanded respect that I just couldn't help but want to be her. We were all hugging goodbye and as the sister and I hugged I was just so overcome with emotion I started crying. I let her know that I was going to medical school and that I would be thinking of her the whole way through. She and I hugged for a good minute crying to ourselves. When we said goodbye I said I would try to keep in touch via email and she kissed me on the cheek and said she was praying for me. We left the Delft Community Health Center and I couldn't help but think, wow, this woman has never talked to me, I've literally been in her presence for roughly fifteen minutes and who the hell am I to deserve her prayers? 

I cannot believe that this trip has already given me what I need. Africa has given me hope for myself and my future.