Leaving (the 19th)

I don't know who the new person I am on the inside is or what that looks like yet, I feel like that will show more when I get back to the states. There are several physical changes I see myself making. Shit I should've been focused on anyway, but it makes more sense now: conservation of energy, recycling, mindfulness of water & Internet use, valuing relationships with other, deepening established relationships, etc.

I will be more Appreciative. I am. There's not much I can do about that if I try... Well, now.

But i am a little nervous about my interactions with people. What's expected from me, what I'll expect of others knowing what I now do, which really isn't fair of me. I just have to keep thinking of where I was at mentally and emotionally when my dad came back from his very same trip two years ago. God, this is going to be really tough.

And I have to remember the experienced I've had that have been like this. Namely black box stuff at Central and my work at Penumbra, and how much more all of that can mean to me and the people I share it with. I have to share right. And that word "right" it does kind of get me. It puts a pressure on things, but maybe that's ok. That's the work I'm into right? Ugh. I don't know about this y'all. I don't.

And this community. To maintain it we have to want it. Right now, we all really want it. But what about a month from now. I want to still want it then. I'm scared.

Regardless of what happens, we did this together. And me and myself and all the little men's inside my head and my body, we did this together. I am forever grateful for that. My heart is full and happy;heavy and worked; more honest and used; but grown, wiser, and ready for what's next.