Recently in Mari Morgan-Sawyer Category

We visited the temporary housing township today. 

This is disgusting. What are we doing here? I suppose it's one thing for us to go into a township like 

Listening to all of this american music while driving by this impoverished existence... this is what we care about. "I try to smile when I see other girls with you acting like everything is okay...." This is what's important to us. This is what I grew up believing was the problems of everyone and here I see, and somehow before I knew that there is so much more to life. So much more responsibility and pain, hardship, worries and issues... But there's so much more reward and joy that can be found in the midst of that destruction. There's so much more to be thankful for when it's overcome. There so much more to live for. Why don't we live like that I the states? Why don't we understand that? How do I carry this back with me throughout my everyday? How do I live this? I'm scared.

Filled with so many mixed emotions. Excited. Loved. Happy. Overwhelmed. Empowered. Responsible. Saddened. These kids... They run around with such a simplicity and joy for whatever reason. I can't help but believe its really not that simple, as much as we all want it or need it to be. But being swarmed by all of those kids during their snack time, I walked away broken hearted and in love.

Mizoli's... Wow! For someone who's not THAT into meat, I enjoyed myself a lot! Chicken and pork daddy, that's how I live my life. It's 1:30 here and I'm super satisfied with food for awhile... However I would like to go to Nando's one more time before I go back to the states. Gotta get some sauce!

I'm really glad I came on this trip. There were definitely several points of doubt for me along the way in terms of my not knowing if I was "being here right" or interacting the way I should have, etc. I've realized that I often want to live other people's experiences. Someone will tell me something fun they did and, especially if I had the opportunity to have been there, a jealousy comes over me that I can't help but hate but that is so familiar. I need to start having my own and stop comparing myself to everyone else. I need to be happy being me. Yes, I have known that for a long time but that lesson is something I really learned to my core on this journey in South Africa. I thank the country as well as the people I'm with here for that.

Yesterday during our evening reflection circle- a pretty mellow one- I found myself personally connecting with the group a lot more. Like, every time someone said something it came to my mind that I had thought either about whatever they were talking about or had had the same exact thoughts. I'm not quite sure what that means. Maybe I'm "getting it."

I've been so scared this whole trip about my not getting it, not absorbing what I'm supposed to absorb or feeling what I'm supposed to feel or maintaining what I'm "supposed" to maintain. I think that's partly the reason I haven't been writing much, which is truly unfortunately because I don't want to lose the thoughts and feelings I've had here. Though they were not as intense as I have experienced before now, especially considering the magnitude of this experience, they were still important; they still are important not matter how meaningless they feel now... no matter how much I feel like "I'll remember this. How could I forget that?" I know somewhere inside myself how easy it can be for all of the awe, excitement, and nostalgia to fade away.

There's some things I have been and plan on doing differently when I get back to the States. First and probably most importantly, I want to start looking at what I want to gain or what I do gain from the people around me. For instance, for the Educo Africa retreat staff Vipka, Mark, and Wendy (while probably having received something deeper from each of them individually) I gained a realer sense of the importance of nature and the serenity in being quiet with the sunrise and sunset, among other aspects of the natural world. However, I want to do this with everyone around me. Granted, I know this will be harder once I get back to the States, I still want to try. Because of this, I ask that my loved ones help keep me accountable for this want I have for myself. 

It's very hard for me to explain what I've gone through with these twenty-one other students, but feel free to ask me when I get back and I'll pull out my syllabus and do my best to fill you in up until this moment! 

More to come...

As I embark on this journey, I anticipate a deep change to take root in me. I don't really know what to expect, or that I should expect anything in particular. My heart tells me I'm doing the right thing... My mind tells me I'm ready... I just pray that I don't hold myself back. 

Forgive me, I'm just eager to turn the thoughts in my head into words on a screen. My name is Mariana Morgan-Sawyer. I am a freshman at the University of Minnesota TC. I'm majoring in Youth Studies with a focus on the juvenile justice system and I have an undeclared minor. I've been passionate about social justice for just about as long as I can remember. I've been consciously active with it for about 5 years now. As a performer, I've found a way to channel my creative energy into social justice art, or art with intent, through Saint Paul's Penumbra Theater Company. I use theater, among other forms of performing arts, as an expression of purpose for myself. But I digress. I'm really excited for this trip, though that excitement hasn't solidified into much more than occasional outbursts of meaningless noise over the past month or so, I don't believe it's registered with me the magnitude of this whole situation. That explains the refusal of my excitement to surface for more than a couple minutes. I've been saying "I just don't get it yet. I don't get that I'm going to South Africa." I don't really know what it means yet, but something's calling me to go, so my bags are packed, my ticket is paid for, and my ride is ready to bring me to the airport tomorrow morning. I will be open and willing. I will be thoughtful and reflective. I will come back a changed person.

Pre-Departure: Cape Town, South Africa

The continent of the birth of someone who gave birth to me. The continent of home. Make believe and I shall receive as if I belong there. As if the father who bore me came from somewhere seen as opposed to the unknown reality that precedes us. A resident of the Twin Cities, I know not where I come from or where I shall be, but where I'll be this New Years Eve. I pray change will be welcomed and regret scarce as I embark on a journey of new possibility.