One week from Monday the dreaded prelim is being taken. One week and a few days. Oh fuck.
I am applying for a job that looks really interesting. Actually, a few that look really cool. I will blog more about them later.
I am in love with the purple cat: http://www.deadjournal.com/users/shermanilla/
My friend Dom. and I had a long conversation about how cool Sherm was one day at lunch. We determined Eric was lucky (not in that smarmy "Oh my god, how did that person ever end up with THAT person), but just that he has a super cool sig other.
The boy is going to be a guest author next week, posting about his experiences attempting to buy a car and learning that you can get financing for like $30,000 but not for 6,000. The guest blogging will be also because as of Monday I am forbidden from really typing for a week. So, any friends of mine who would like to blog for me, let me know.
I have little of any interest, except to say I am feeling very appreciative of all of those around me and of Eric's offer to read my writing. Ironically, what has tormented me, whispering "you are horrible at this" all through grad school is precisely what I have applied for a job doing.
I am waiting for the good coop 1% Milk with the cream on top to get stirred up and then I will have a glass. It is exciting.
So, I am pretty much decided on the leaving grad school (at least for awhile) and taking my masters degree. This leads me with two almost contradictory choices. Take the one year, part-time-ish type job coaching debate, with hopes it will move into something full time (or might even be a full time one this year). I have done debate for ten years and I love it, but, I am tired of it in some ways. I get tired of the emotional work it involves, tired of going to tournaments and still feeling like an outsider, tired of bringing it home with me every night and never feeling like I have done enough, and occasionally tired of dealing with people who are not yet adults and behave as not yet adults do. I get annoyed at not having weekends, and this job would (if full time) mean work from 7:45-3 every day, with coaching until between 5-6 three more days a week and then every Friday and Saturday from late September to the middle of December being taken up, and traveling 4-7 times a year. I love debate a lot too – I love the excitement when kids really want to do it and are really engaged in class, and can have a lot of fun. However, I don't love debate like I used to. In college, I was obsessed with it (perhaps to an unhealthy degree but I loved it) until my senior year. From that point on, it is like I really like it and have some of those “I love this moment” feelings with it, but don't know if I can say I love debate. At this point it is like the 10 year long relationship where you have this deep affection for the person, you know (all too intimately) their flaws and have tried to change them and have done some good in the past and could probably do some good in the future. But, the passion seems to be gone and there are times when you role over in the middle of the night and think “how did I end up with THAT?!”
So, that is option one. The infinitely less complex option two is to get “a job” -- to take my master's degree and sell out completely to the highest bidder who can provide me something vaguely interesting to do. I applied for a technical writing position, just exploring and it was like this big relief – could put actual money in my IRA, save some, work 9-5 M-F, not have to take my work home with me, but work in a place reminiscent of (obvious cliches here) “Office Space” or “Dilbert.”
So, any feedback would be most appreciated and now, after having finished up my frosty milk, I am going to have a beer.
My iBook is dead(ish) -- it will often go dead, typically will not power on, and the fan is running all the time. The guy at the Mac "Genius Bar" was useless and just told me to send it off to Mac (a nice $300 expenditure). The boy has been able to get it to work some, but not really. In the middle of prelim studying where I am typing my book notes, this is disasterous. However, it is helping to alleviate those tendon problems.
I studied for 8 hours today, taking notes on Niettzsche and some more Foucault and some democratic theory. Right now my brain hates me.
So I have been studying for awhile and trying to lay off the computer use. For a full WEEK before my prelim I am not supposed to work at a computer or write. This will be horrifying.
I am currently eating the most little kid snack ever of animal crackers and fruit punch. It was awesome.
The best find of the day was in my reading of an essay about Nietzsche. The best sentence ever (not written by Zizek, for who this is proper text for a "Pat-the Bunny type book) I have read in a scholarly essay concerns the split between Nietzsche and Richard Wagner (who, interestingly, really liked peacocks and let them run around his estate). Anyway, in discussing the final rift, the authors attribute it to the following. "Thus, Nietzsche was annoyed by Wagner's rude denunciations; Wagner, in contrast, suggested to Nietzsche's physician that his headaches were the consequences of excessive masturbation.” Well, yes, this may cause some tension. It has also caused me to wonder if maybe I can tell professors that other students won’t do well on their work because of their excessive meth habits (though what really is a non-excessive meth habit?).
Isn’t that sort of like saying you are a “little bit pregnant.” It all reminds me of a Talk Sex with Sue where the caller asked if her masturbation was excessive. Sue’s response was “Do you still leave the house?”
Sadly, I don’t think I do, but for entirely different reasons.
My mind is currently working randomly, which might be what happens after you finish reading Freud, and move along to Nietzsche's Genealogy of Morals.
First, I have had one of those random moments of remembering and was thinking about one of my favorite shows when I was younger, Nickelodean's "The Adventures of Pete & Pete." If you have never seen this show, then I feel very sorry for you. It was the story of the two brothers Pete and their random life occurrences. One of the reasons the show was so incredibly awesome had to do with the guest stars. Steve Buscemi played a guidance counselor, Iggy Pop was in it a few times, Juliana Hatfield (I believe). All in all it was very cool. I found the original theme song ("Hey Sandy" by Polaris) and have been listening to it non-stop. In a pleasant surprise, the band's other songs are pretty good (in a pop-y, garageband type way) and I have been listening to them too.
Secondly, I have realized that there is an art to living as a Minnesotan in the winter (file this in the no duh category). I have finally learned how to dress for the cold, but I realized that I look like a little kid when I get ready to go outside (think Maggie Simpson in her starfish snowsuit). In part it is because all of my stuff is kinda bulky since I really hate being cold, so I have, for instance, huge mittens filled with down. I look fairly normal (if like a kid) walking down the street in this, the problem comes with more advanced movement.
When I attempt to run in my winter clothes I look like a second-grader on meth. My arms seem to go everywhere and nothing gets really co-ordinated. Now, for those of you who know me and are currently sarcastically thinking “This is different from the status quo, how?” I can say there is a quantifiable difference. What that is, I am not quite sure of.
ibook now hates me
tendonitis really hurt
no good drugs, either
Cosmic Gall By John Updike
Neutrinos, they are very small.
They have no charge and have no mass
And do not interact at all.
The earth is just a silly ball
To them, through which they simply pass,
Like dustmaids down a drafty hall
Or photons through a sheet of glass.
They snub the most exquisite gas,
Ignore the most substantial wall,
Cold-shoulder steel and sounding brass,
Insult the stallion in his stall,
And, scorning barriers of class,
Infiltrate you and me! Like tall
And painless guillotines, they fall
Down through our heads into the grass.
At night, they enter at Nepal
And pierce the lover and his lass
From underneath the bed - you call
It wonderful; I call it crass.
This is from Cary Tennis' column at Salon. "In your body suddenly you're human again, and only later do you reflect upon how difficult it has been to simply be a part of the human race, how above it you've held yourself, how numb you've been, and finally you can say screw it, screw the law, screw the demands of everybody that I be everything the test scores said I should be, screw my own Little Lord Fauntleroy specialness, screw my expectations, my vengeance, my dreams of power, I am what I am and that's going to have to be good enough."
It has been continuing to be a strange time. Due to some unpleasant nastiness from the past coming back in the form of my presence requested at a legal hearing concerning someone who brutalized?… Terrorized?… Was a really bad part of my life for four years, precisely ending 4 years ago. I am at this point almost glad for the constant refrain of “study, study, study” occurring in my head because it helps drone out the thought of having to fly somewhere and face this person and do what was my greatest fear at one time, put into public discourse that “this happened.”
So, consequently, any hope I previously had of sleeping is now over. No sleep. However, I have been finding mindless past-times for when I need a break from studying. I have never owned a video-game system, but used to play the Dreamcast fairly often, falling in love with the game Crazy Taxi, where you drive around, take short-cuts, try to perform stunts, etc. I am now the proud owner of such a system and my day has thus been spent driving a lot, heading to do debate work, driving the boy to and from work, and reading Freud’s Civilization and Its Discontents, Foucaults History of Sexuality, v3, and finishing up my typed notes on Machiavelli. I have a bit less then 3 weeks, so I can see the end in sight. And after that, more Crazy Taxi, bike riding, and being a bum.
Lately I have been having the really weird occurrence of experiencing these random, vivid memories. They aren’t bad, but will be of something like a gas station in Tennessee or a restaurant that I used to like eating at but hadn’t thought of in ages. Just all of these random memories that I guess are what my past is composed of. There isn’t a story of myself or of my past that I particularly want to hold onto, so perhaps, that is what I have. Instead of a linear series of events, I have the park I went to once to swing where a pack? Of skunks came rumbling in, a restaurant that made a great mozzarella sandwich, a back road winding between Tennessee and Georgia, and the train tracks a mile from the house I grew up in. When I was a little kid and I couldn’t sleep, I would listen to trains and think about becoming a bum and riding them to places I couldn’t even dream of imagining.
I just had a really good entry about my new fascination with Neutrinos but the computer ate it and I am very very grumpy about that. Key points of the post include
1. I am going prelim crazy and am in search of a Sega Dreamcast so I can play Crazy Taxi to take my mind off things.
2. Neutrinos are super cool. I will post about them more.
3. 89.3'splaylist is really upsetting now. From 8-11 they were playing great love songs and I wanted names and titles, but they are not appearing in the playlist for the last 6 hours. If anyone can find this list, I will make you a cd(s) of all the songs.
So the prelim frenzy seems to be getting worse and worse (or increasing and increasing). It has not been the best of a last few days, though the Valentine's day dinner at Solera's was amazing. I had quite a lot of sangria and we ate tons of delicious scallops and finished it all off with their churros and hot chocolate. yummm yummm yummm
So last night at the Mall of America, the boy and I noticed something (and apologies if you were at MOA last night), but it was ugly person night at MOA. We saw some of the most unattractive people imaginative. I don't mean that there was a lack of hot people or a lot of average looking folks. No, there was a morass of ugly people. There was one couple that the boy just looked at me and said "you know each of their first thoughts upon marrying the other was 'whew, I can let myself go now'." I realize this is a pretty shallow reflection, but my social scientist mind kicked in and I wondered why this was occuring.
It is really cold in here right now.
me: so...we are doing presents tonight? i really do want to see your response
boy: well, now I do want to do it tonight.
me:i really hope you like your present
boy: yup
me: i cant wait: i got you a certificate for nipple piercing
boy: you serious?
me: dont you want one??
boy: um.
me: you said you wanted man jewelry
boy: are you serious?
me: gotcha
boy: you little! grrr!!!!
A variety of things occur to me that I should now possibly do, being that it is 11 am.
1. Put clothes on
2. Get off sofa
3. Stop watching the rerun of SNL with John Travolta right after he did Pulp Fiction (granted it has the fairly humorous "Bathroom Monkey" commercial, but that just proves I have seen it before)
4. Heat up leftover curry (providing the boy didn't steal it. If so, DEATH!)
Wow, SNL is playing the "Quentin Tarantino's Welcome Back Kotter" with Lenny and Squiggy from Laverne and Shirley and the Steve Buscemi reprising his Resevoir Dogs role. That was rather awesome.
Perhaps I should also take a shower.
The boy insists that I need to learn how to be more lazy, I would contend that I am doing a fine job myself.
Tommorow we are celebrating Valentine's day since my Mondays are packed with work. I am excited -- heading to one of my favorite restaurants and getting dressed up and giving presents. I got the boy something I think he will really like, though apparently a popular gift this year.
Wow, it actually looks sunny outside (can see a window from the sofa).
So, it looks like I will be offered a full job teaching and coaching debate and speech next year. It would mean leaving grad school, which I have been pondering awhile. I have talked to a few people and a prof. The prof's advice was to stay in academia if you had a pressing desire to be in it; if even in the moments where you doubt yourself and think you are fooling the rest of the world and will be kicked out of the discipline at any time, you want to stay in for as long as they will have you. I don't really have that. I mean, I hate grad school but I don't necessarily see it getting much better as a prof. I still enjoy reading works in political theory but don't really think I have anything to contribute. People who I mention this switch to seem to think that I am seeling out to a life of anti-intellectual activity -- "how could you want to spend time teaching high schoolers?!" So, any thoughts? What to do?
I am officially brain dead. My mind has imploded into a mess of goo. Only two and a half hours of work left and I am glad. The kids in the class are currently supposed to be answering the questions: Federalists: Elitists or protectors of the public interest? and Anti-Federalists: Radical democrats or defenders of parochialism? I come down on the size of being a radical democratic elitist. I am so brain dead, I just wrote a haiku praising my iBook and posted it on Eric’s blog.
My iBook is light
It does everything I ask
And it is warm, too
So, we DVRed the Superbowl yesterday solely so we could fast forward through the game and watch the commercials. They were, in general, a big let down. The cat one was kinda funny, I guess, but nothing special. Certainly nothing like “Herding Cats.’ While not watching the commercials or “101 Most Starlicious Make-overs,” we watched Animal Planet’s Puppy Bowl. Imagine, if you can, a field of golf grass covered with video cameras, toys, and a water bowl. The puppies are released and for 3 hours you can just watch them playing with each other. There were instant replays of the cutest puppy moments and hidden cameras and the puppies kept coming up and sniffing and licking the cameras. I thought that I was the only one watching this spectacular television event, then was looking around online and saw that Baxter had already written about it. Curses, and there I thought I was creative. It was extraordinarily cute. It could only have been more entertaining if I was intoxicated, which I haven’t been in quite a very long time.
I really like the Harvest Bay Tender Fruit Orchard Fruit mix. I eat an entire bag every Monday. The boy is convinced this might make me explode. It has not happened yet.
I get a new office set-up at the boy’s house yesterday – I got a cute little desk at IKEA, a file system, paper holder, etc. and moved a lamp in there. The color the thingsme is red, white, and black. The desk (as the boy is gleeful about), matches my iBook in that it is whitish and shiny. I also replaced my lost Oakleys yesterday. Sadly, the entire office set-up cost less than the sunglasses. However, my desk doesn’t fit my head like a glove and protect my eyes from sticks and various sharp pointy objects that will come into contact with my head when I mountain bike this spring. Speaking of spring, WHAT HAPPENED??? It was so warm and nice last week, hitting 52 degrees, being sunny, perfect beautiful weather. What is it right now – its like nature remembered that it is February in MN and today it was a windy 20 degrees. I walked outside a few miles today and I was so cold, even with my little mittens and turtle fur baby blue hat. Brrrr Brrr Brrr.
I am looking forward to my tomato soup with cheese that I get at 9:30.
Mondays are the day where I have office hours, then a 3 hour class, a short break, meeting for an hour, and then TA for 3 hours, being done at 9:30. I hate Mondays and just keep reminding myself a) I don't have any more classes for the rest of the week and b) I can sleep in tomorrow (if I can sleep). 4 more hours to go.......
So I have 4 weeks until the prelims. Why am I worrying as much as I am? Today has been all around pretty good. I comtemplated killing the boy this morning as he opened the window to let light in at 8L45 and then proceeded to bounce throughout the apartment. I was in the middle of the "I have taken drugs to sleep and am slightly groggy and it takes me a bit to wake up and OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING." The boy has family in town and we spent today at the Ferench Meadow (whose food I love, but menu i wish would change slightly -- the stuff that I like that conforms with the veggie thing is a fairly small number, but what I like, I REALLY like). Then we went to uptown and then I made the most killer risotto ever -- steamedmussels atop a risotto of rice, artichoks, sauteed mushrooms, walnuts, zucchini, with rosemary and then a saffron creme fraiche. Did I feel like a badass for thinking all of this up. Yes, I did.
The apartment is completely clean. That is good. I get to use the boy's sunroom as a study (ie comandeer it) and I am excited. I am getting a little IKEA desk tomorrow. Tonight we re-watched "Shaun of the Dead" and it is stillpretty clever. I also like the L7 "Pretend You're Dead" song that they used in the ads. I did get some reading done today. Besides seeing folks and cooking the highlight of the day was that the boy's bro brought up bike socks and slicks for me, so I can reploace my knobby tired. I am currently under the illusion that this means I will be ableto pass those 40 year old guys on carbon frame road bikes who are in great shape and can just whiz past me. Sadly, I am afraid I will soon be proven incorrect.
Yesterday was quite nice -- I had a delicious lunch with Eric, who now has me reading dooce. I was supposed to meet a friend to study but that didn't happen. I studied for awhile, got panicky, studied some more, and then went off in further search of a replacement for my beloved Oakleys. REI is sold out of the model I want, Eric's bike shop stopped selling them, and Midwest Mountaineering is sold out. The frustration level is high -- doesn't someboy want my $65 for sunglasses?
The boy and I began to have the engagement talks last night. I am pretty appreciative that we always seem to be ableto beannoyed, disagree, and then talk it out and come toa conclusion. Item of last night: I want a ring if it happens and he wants to immediatly start saving for a house (noble goal I agree). Anyway, a suitable resolution has been made. Somethimes I am intenseley thankful that it seems like it is the small things that are problems. Love -- no problem, respect -- know, knowing that I want to be with him -- no problem, trusting him-- none at all, getting romantic gestures -- occasionally a big problem.
I am sure other's are saying "oh if only to have these problems" and I feel very lucky.
Finally, check of Hippo, the kittnen's blog. Hippo is the new kitten of my friends Katie and Baxter. For photos of her, look at the moblog.
As I would tell the boy, "the girl is sleepy." (Yes sadly we use this language between ourselves). Lately, from Invader Zim, we have been calling each other "lovepigs" and announcing "i eat food." Life can only be so exciting.
Finally, any link suggestions or blogs I should look at and link to.
Natalie
I lust have been listening to this REM song a lot lately. I love REM -- they are from the town in GA that my parents used to live in and where I was conceived. When I saw them in concert, Michael Stipe talked about how when he was ill, he laid on his Mom's couch and drank iced tea and all the Minnesotans were confused. I identified and thus began my dream of drinking iced tea with Micheal Stipe. The best part of the evening was when a fan yelled out "Michael, fuck me!" Michael Stipe, without slowing down at all, looked at him and said "Not now...I'm BUSY" in the best tone of voice. I heart him. Anyway, the song.
I sit at my table and wage war on myself
It seems like it's all, it's all for nothing
I know the barricades, and
I know the mortar in the wall breaks
I recognize the weapons, I used them well
This is my mistake. Let me make it good
I raised the wall and I will be the one to knock it down
I've a rich understanding of my finest defenses
I proclaim that claims are left unstated,
I demand a rematch
I decree a stalemate
I divine my deeper motives
I recognize the weapons
I've practiced them well. I fitted them myself
(chorus)
It's amazing what devices you can sympathize, empathize
This is my mistake. Let me make it good
I raised the wall and I will be the one to knock it down
Reach out for me and hold me tight. Hold that memory
Let my machine talk to me, let my machine talk to me
This is my world
And I am world leader pretend
This is my life
And this is my time
I have been given the freedom
To do as I see fit
It's high time I've razed the walls
That I've constructed
To Be Young (Is to Be Sad, Is to Be High) Ryan Adams
Laura Flogging Molly
Feeling Good (Live) Muse
these boots are made for walking Nancy Sinatra
Sorted for E's & Wizz Pulp
Road To Nowhere The Talking Heads
Talk show host Radiohead
Science Fiction+Double Feature Rocky Horror Picture Show
Southern Accent Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
Didn't Think It Would Turn Out Bad Jon Brion
Woo Hoo The 5 6 7 8s
If You Gotta Go, Go Now Cowboy Junkies
Red House Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison
Float On Modest Mouse
Hysteria Muse
Ooh La La The Faces
Lexington Jail Tim Easton
I'm On Fire Bruce Springsteen
"Oh one day when you're looking back
You were young and man you were sad
When you're young you get sad
When your young you get sad then you get high"
Reminds me of some debaters I know.
So the thoughts about leaving grad school seem to have increased, and as they have, the pull back in by others has been intense. I feel like others will perceive me as not being smart or of giving up or taking the easy route. I have a possible offer for next year that I am incredibly excited about but almost everyone I talk to thinks its a cop-out. It is frustrating.
I am watching "Talk Sex with Sue" and the boy is reading. I have realized that in some ways we are an exceptionally boring couple. Tonight, the highlight was using biore strips together. If you are lucky, maybe you too can someday acheive a life this exciting.
I am sleepy. Any links recommended?
So I finally decided, after quite a long time of not sleeping, that medication was in order. I had been down to 2-4 hours a night for more than a week and was in the "severely impaired" category, besides which I looked horrible -- dark circles, etc. I was afraid some kid was going to report to my department that "my TA looks like a heroin addict." I was vaguely worried that the folks at Boynton would refuse to give me any medication for this, reminding myself of that scene in Fight Club where the doctor tells Edward Norton to "chew valerian root." Valerian root is gross. The boy reminded me that BHS tends to give out drugs for any and everything (For further proof, see Eric's post on codeine dispersal (ironically that might also help me sleep). Indeed, the folks at BHS were happy to comply for my wish for pharmeceutical aid and I have a feeling that I will be sleeping tonight. If not, I am at the point where I amgoing to put an iron frying pan by the bed and if I can't sleep, just asking the boy to knock me out with it. I don't think he would comply. Hmm. I guess that is good.
MPR just started a music radio station 89.3 and it is very, very good. The MN Debate boards (and I guess elsewhere) have been having lots of arguments over whether or not it should be publically funded, etc. I don't completely see what the problem is -- federal money goes to fund arts programs, etc. State money goes towards similar projects. I don't understand why a station focused on American music throughout history (with granted almost all of its stuff is current) falls outside of this. Also, I don't believe the station is getting any public money. However, I would much prefer that my taxes went to schools, welfare, and arts, rather then corporate welfare, the military, and Halliburton.
89.3 has gotten me addicted to this song by the Arcade Fire. Its Neighborhood #3 (Power Out) and the lyrics are what I will end with
I went out into the night,
I went out to find some light.
Kids are dyin' out in the snow,
look at them go, look at them go!
And the power's out in the heart of man,
take it from your heart put in your hand.
What's the plan?
Is it a dream? Is it a lie?
I think I'll let you decide.
Just light a candle for the kids,
Jesus Christ don't keep it hid!
Cause nothin's hid, from us kids!
You ain't foolin' nobody with the lights out!
And the power's out in the heart of man,
take it from your heart put in your hand.
And there's something wrong in the heart of man,
you take it from your heart and put it in your hand!