I wish I could turn back time...
Dear Keith,
I am so sorry for what I have done. Every day, I am reminded of the things I have lost. I just read a quote the other day by Katherine Mansfield. She said, “Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back. Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can't build on it; it's only for wallowing in.” I don’t think this will ever be relevant for my situation. I suppose I am and always will be an “appalling waste of energy” because I can never forgive myself for what I have done, nor can I forget. I am struggling every day with the choices that I made. Some people say that you should never regret and that you should simply learn from your mistakes. Once one door shuts, another one opens. I don’t know if that next door will ever open. I feel like I am stuck between two closed doors, all alone with a pile of money and a heap of regret. How did I let things get so bad? What was I thinking? Why didn’t I stop Frankie and Cleo, especially after T.T. died? I should have done something! I wish I knew then, what I know now. Things would have eventually gotten better for me. I had you, three amazing friends, support, opportunities, freedom and a home. I should have realized that those things would get me through the rough times. There was another way out for me, (and things apparently could have been a lot worse…like they are now), I just could not see through the storm to a brighter day. I have lost everything, you, my wonderful friends and my family, all for something I thought was so important at the time. Somehow, doing what we did felt like the only option. Now I live every day not only with regret, but with pain and loneliness, all of which I completely deserve. I have lost you and I can never come back. I am so sorry for doing what I did, I never had dreamed it would have gone this far. I miss you.
Love Always, Stoney